Learn Phrases That Sound Like Gaslighting, but in Reality They Are Not
Perhaps no other form of psychological anguish is better known or featured in today’s media more than gaslighting. To experience this is to lose a sense of reality, but it is important to understand whether the person in front of you is deliberately using a manipulation tool or whether he simply does not agree. Before making an accusation, it’s important to know what actually counts as gaslighting – and what might seem like gaslighting in the heat of a stall, but it really isn’t.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that denies a sense of reality, especially when one person acts on purpose. This behavior can manifest itself in many ways, but ultimately it has to do with what obscures reality. As psychologist Ahon Guh wrote for Psychology Today in 2018, this is usually “a behavior pattern, usually deliberate, designed to cause someone to question their own reality, memories or experiences.”
The term owes its origin to the 1944 film Gaslight , which described the relationship between a man and his wife, who, he gradually convinced, was losing her mind, encapsulating gaslighting in its purest form. It is a particularly manipulative form of communication in which one person constantly tries to convince the other side that their interpretation of reality is false.
What phrases indicate gas lighting?
Anything that tends to undermine, without exploring a deeper understanding, can fall into the camp of the treacherous. The gaslighter has a variety of rhetorical tools, not limited to:
- “You are too sensitive.”
- “I never said that.”
- “You have such a bad memory.”
- “You are crazy.”
- “You are taking everything too personally.”
- “Calm down.”
- “I’m sorry that you feel like I hurt you.”
Of course, this is just a taste of what a gaslighter can handle. As psychologist Stephanie A. Sarkis explained in a 2017 Psychology Today article, the gaslighter can use other behaviors as well . First, people prone to this type of abuse may deny their actions, even though there is evidence to the contrary. Or they may project their negative behavior onto you. The list is long, and not everyone who comes across a gaslight partner will use the same tactics.
How to know if this is not gaslighting
There must be a certain level of intent, or at least a stubborn reluctance to hear the other side of the conversation, to meet gaslighting standards. As Guha wrote, there is a necessary level of anger combined with intent in a convincing example of gaslighting, although it is often done unintentionally. She wrote: “Gazlater does not necessarily understand or notice these motives, and sometimes they can genuinely believe what they say.”
However, it’s easy to find a balance between gaslighting and simple disagreement. If there is a slight change in the wording of certain statements, they no longer comply with the gaslighting standard. Guhu listed statements that are assertive and contradictory, but not necessarily gaslighting.
- “You didn’t understand me; that’s not what I mean.”
- “This is not what I remember.”
- “I did not want”.
- “What I said was not so bad.”
If the fight is just a short-term dead end – and every couple is fighting – and not a constant level of manipulation or emotional nudging, then it’s probably best not to refute the gaslighting accusation. If it is clear that your partner at least wants to hear your point of view – he may disagree, but he should strive to understand your side, regardless – then he probably isn’t bullying you, and you are probably will be able to continue the conversation in search of a common ground.