How to Help Your Child Cope With Social Rejection
Watching our children get rejected, especially by their peers, is one of the most painful parts of parenting. Obviously, we cannot protect them from rejection: not only will this happen, but they will experience it to some extent throughout their lives. But we can still support them in ways that help them cope with the trauma in the moment and teach them how to increase their resilience.
Confirm your feelings
Think about the people in your life you reach out to when you need support. Do they end up in the ” ugh, sorry, that really sucks ” camp or the ” well, at least XYZ wasn’t there ” camp? Trying to get us to see the bright side of something that seems decidedly dark only makes us feel worse, doesn’t it?
It hurts to be rejected, and it makes it even more painful for someone you love to minimize that pain. Instead, consultant Catherine Prudente writes for The Child Mind Institute that we should strive to help our children feel recognized and understood.
It also normalizes their senses and strengthens what I call “mental muscles.” As with training, when we can lift heavier weights, we become stronger and lighter. The better we are able to feel and tolerate unpleasant feelings, the stronger and easier it is to deal with them the next time.
I want to raise a stubborn child. I want my son to be a person who can recover from adversity. But resilience is not about avoiding resentment or letting things roll off your back. It is built on learning to overcome these feelings and overcome them. Certified Parenting Trainer Megan Leahy offers this advice in The Washington Post :
Most of all, people want to feel belonging to each other, unconditionally loved. Listening is the easiest and most effective way to show this unconditional love to our children. When we are not judging, correcting, criticizing, anxious, or interrupting, we allow our children to simply express how they are feeling.
Surround them with caring people
We all face personal conflicts from time to time. (As one older assertive relative once told me about an acquaintance with whom she had a falling out: “Eh, I’m just not for her.”) As good as that may be, the fact is that not everyone will like us. This is not an exciting lesson for a child, but he will learn it well in adulthood. However, for every person they come across, there is likely to be a whole group of people who truly care about them.
Help them find their tribe, whether it’s a sports team, an after-school club, or a group of neighborhood kids. Encourage positive and meaningful relationships with large family and friends, which will help build their self-esteem over time.
Don’t try to fix it
Maybe a friend’s rejection at school is a direct result of what your child did or said to that friend. Or maybe it came out of nowhere from a child they barely know. You can offer some point of view, for example, tell about another time when he argued with a friend and he resolved, or sympathize by talking about how you experienced something similar as a child. But if the rejection doesn’t get into actual bullying, your child probably won’t want you to intervene. And in any case, this will be a signal to your child that you do not think that he is able to cope with it on his own.
One thing you can do if your child is open to it (and after you have listened to and confirmed their feelings): work together on several possible solutions. Sometimes, if your child is having an argument with a friend, the solution can be as simple as a sincere apology. Or if they are avoided playing kickball during recess, maybe there is another game they can organize with friends on the other side of the playground. The key is not to dump all their ideas on them, but to ask if they would like to brainstorm a few solutions and let them take the lead.
Ultimately, however, remember that you are here to support them in difficult matters, not resolve all conflicts for them.