How to Stop Spanking a Child
I remember only one spanking from my childhood. There was a rule in our house: my nanny Gloria was the boss when my parents were at work. Well, in this case, I disobeyed and showed disrespect to her (of course, I remember the spanking, not the insult itself). When my father got home, he decided that I needed a spanking. They took me to a spare bedroom and kicked my ass. Dad asked if it hurt.
“Not!” I answered.
He hit me again and then repeated the question. I was a stubborn child. Under no circumstances was I going to let my father get the best out of me, even if I was wrong.
The spanking went on and on.
Hit!
“It was painful?”
“Not!”
In the end, Dad decided that enough was enough for both of us, and the incident ended. I walked away proud of my ability to endure pain in support of my pride. My father left devastated.
Flip flops have been a hotly debated topic since the invention of children. The Bible is regularly (and wrongly) quoted as a stern warning: “Spare the rod and pamper the child.” And while this statement actually appeared in the Book of Proverbs, the view is clear: if you don’t use corporal punishment, your kids won’t have enough discipline and they’ll end up being spoiled useless kids. In some cultures – and especially in the south – whipping is as common as sweet tea and biscuits.
When children misbehave, some parents turn to whipping as a viable discipline strategy. Kelly Clarkson was recently ridiculed after she publicly spoke about her willingness to hit her 1-3 year old children . However, 70% of Americans privately admit that periodic flogging is necessary for raising a child.
While it may appear that behavior temporarily improves after flogging in the short term, research suggests that the effects are more detrimental in the long term. The mental health and behavioral consequences of flogging include depression, anxiety, aggression, violence, and drug and alcohol abuse. How can we teach children to hit wrong and hit them at the same time? Ultimately we won’t be able to.
Most parents would rather not beat their children. As with my dad, it can be just as painful for parents to use force as disciplinary action. Unfortunately, parents who whip tend to do so because they are angry, frustrated and lack other ways to discipline. The line between providing painful deterrent to improve behavior and causing injury (physical or emotional) is rather blurry. Parents who resort to spanking are not necessarily abusive parents or the horrible monsters they look like on social media. However, this means that they are working with an empty toolbox.
To help parents avoid permanently injuring their children, here are five disciplinary measures including not hitting a child.
Know your triggers
Children can be annoying, tiring and relentlessly pushing our buttons. Their bad behavior can make even the kindest parent scream and hit something. Find out when you are losing your cool to avoid an angry reaction. This is when most of the whipping happens.
Have age-appropriate expectations
Parents often expect unreasonable behavior from their children. I see this over and over again in restaurants. Children who are too young to remain calm and quiet during a long sitting dinner are scolded and beaten for acting out. I saw the same thing at church and at the older child’s winter concert. It can be helpful to test what children are capable of at what age. Then plan accordingly. Better to aim low and be pleasantly surprised than stretch out and deal with a catastrophic collapse.
Apply logical consequences for misconduct
Children learn what to do (and what not to do) by the consequences that immediately follow the behavior. The effects are so powerful that even mice, dogs, and pigeons can learn to behave as desired. Make sure your children know in advance what will happen if they do not comply or misbehave in certain circumstances. Here are some examples of explicitly specifying consequences before behavior.
- Put on your shoes and pack your school bag by 7:15 am to catch the bus. If you miss the bus, I won’t take you. You will have to spend your allowance on a taxi or a walk to school.
- Be in your pajamas by 20:00, otherwise you will have to go to bed without stories.
- If you don’t put your clothes in the basket, you will have to wash them yourself.
Ignore nagging, complaints, negotiation, tantrums, and anything else that annoys you.
Irritating behaviors such as constant tantrums, belching, farting, pencil tapping, loud noises, and baby talk evoke the worst in parents. When parents react at all, even negatively, it can serve as an incentive for the children to take action further. A negative reaction can be just as beneficial as a positive one. So instead of losing him and resorting to physical punishment, look the other way long enough for the child to realize that his behavior is unacceptable. When parents briefly ignore their naughty children, children learn that more desirable behaviors are required to receive reward and attention.
Reward Good Behavior
Parents often spend so much time parenting that they forget to pay attention to their children when they are behaving well. Unfortunately, if kids don’t get the attention and praise for meeting their expectations, they may resort to playfulness. Any attention, even unpleasant, is often better for children than no attention. So don’t miss the opportunity to notice that your kids are cleaning their rooms or treating siblings well. Praise them for cleaning up their plates or for doing their homework without complaining. If you focus on the positive behavior of your children, their mischief is less likely to lead you to any kind of corporal punishment.