How to Recognize Financial Infidelity (and What to Do About It)
I confess: I checked my partner’s phone to catch him being unfaithful. But while I was combing through their messages looking for evidence of infidelity, it didn’t occur to me to go into their banking apps looking for another type of scam: financial infidelity. I cannot condone privacy violations of which I am personally guilty. At the same time, there are warning signs of financial infidelity that should not be ignored.
“Financial infidelity” is when your partner secretly spends money, hides bills, racks up debt, or makes financial decisions that affect you without your knowledge. This undermines trust and can destroy relationships. You may consider splitting your finances to save your relationship , but if you’re married, your finances are already legally combined. Here’s how to spot potential problems and eliminate financial infidelity if it arises.
Watch out for red flags
Some warning signs that your partner may be financially unfaithful include:
- Secretive behavior regarding money and finances
- Protect your wallet, financial statements and accounts
- Unexplained charges or withdrawals
- Sudden desire to have separate bank accounts
- Uncertainty or evasiveness when discussing finances, work and/or income.
- A lifestyle that exceeds their income
If you notice any uneven behavior around money, it could indicate financial infidelity. Don’t ignore warning signs or write them off as personal. After all, we are talking about money. You can recover from a broken heart; bankruptcy is a different story.
View bills and statements
Take an active role in your joint finances. Review credit card accounts, bank statements, and investment accounts regularly. Look for any suspicious activity. Are you seeing cash withdrawals you can’t explain? Unfamiliar sellers? Have you ever withdrawn funds from your account? This may signal secret spending or hiding money.
Run a credit check
Request a copy of your credit report and check for accounts or loans you don’t recognize. And also check your partner’s credit (ask them to get the report and let them know in advance that you need to review it). Debts and requests that you are unaware of could mean financial infidelity. Even if there is no infidelity, it’s important to have a complete picture of your finances, so a credit check is never a bad idea.
Watch out for discrepancies
If you notice red flags, unusual activity, or things that don’t add up, don’t hesitate to talk to your partner. You should ask your partner to explain mysterious payments, debts or investments. Tell them you’re concerned and ask for complete transparency moving forward.
Establish basic financial rules
If your partner admits to financial dishonesty or you two have problems with money secrets, set clear ground rules to rebuild trust. Insist on 100% transparency of financial accounts and that all spending decisions be made collaboratively. Consider counseling to get to the root of the problems and dishonesty. More specifically, we cover here how to find a financial therapist. Financial therapy combines financial counseling with psychoanalysis, giving you the opportunity to remove emotional or behavioral barriers to your financial well-being.
Financial infidelity ruins relationships. But if you catch it early and confront it head-on, you can potentially stop it and get your finances back on track. Setting any boundaries is difficult, but you can’t afford to stay quiet about your money . If you need help starting a conversation about money with your partner, here are some questions to see if you’re financially compatible . Don’t ignore the warning signs—be proactive to identify and address financial infidelity.