How to Stay Calm During Your Toddler’s Tantrum, According to a Neuroscientist
Many tips on how to deal with tantrums say that the first step is to stay calm, because losing your cool when dealing with a child will not get rid of the tantrum, but will only make the situation worse. However, the little problem is that sometimes it seems impossible to remain calm when the person in front of you spews all those raw emotions right at you. How do you stay calm when your child is not like that at all? I decided to seek help from a neurologist.
What is “emotional flooding”?
To start with, Dr. Cindy Hovington, a neuroscientist and co-founder of Wondergrade (a company with an app that teaches parents how to help their children calm down and deal with strong emotions), says that feeling overwhelmed by a child or adult is too stressful to handle. , is called emotionally “flooded “.
“Emotional flooding can feel like the momentary rage we feel, which leads to yelling or acting out when you feel like you have no control,” she says. She described how she felt after having her third child with two young children at home – she felt “more anger than sympathy” for her children.
For me, the emotional rush often manifests itself as anxiety, usually accompanied by tears, tremors, and an inability to decide what to do to defuse the situation. Flooding is your fight, flight or freeze response, and when you’re in it, “telling yourself to stay calm doesn’t work,” Hovington says. “It’s like your brain isn’t listening to you.” It’s a concept I learned while studying The Whole Brain Kid : when a child has a temper tantrum, it’s almost as if they’re not “out there”. Similarly, when a parent is flooded, they cannot think rationally.
How to ease emotional flow
It’s scary to think of yourself as too depressed to think about when you should be a parent, but Hovington has a few solutions for parents who are overwhelmed by their child’s tantrums. She calls it a “reboot” and told me that the Wondergrade app even added an update with a two-minute “parental reset” sound that allows parents to press a button and listen to verbal cues to help them calm down during the emotional overwhelm of parenting.
To reboot during a tantrum, Hovington says, “If possible, you can step back to reboot. It could be another room or just be away from your child.” If this is not possible due to your location or your child’s safety, you can reset the settings with your child, which can be a learning experience. “It’s good for your child to see that you need a moment to reset in tense emotional moments,” Hovington says.
Hovington says close your eyes. “Slow, deep breaths help regulate the nervous system in moments of stress,” she says. Learn “belly breathing” or “diaphragmatic breathing” techniques if you often flood. You can also try other nervous system hacks to see which ones work for you.
Set a good example when we get it right (and when we don’t)
Especially if it’s a public tantrum , you may feel frustrated, embarrassed, or angry about their behavior. “We need to remind ourselves that the emotions our child is experiencing are normal, even if they are uncomfortable for him and for us,” says Hovington. “They are not a reflection of us, and if we can find a way to remain calm despite our child’s negative emotions, we will model emotion regulation skills for them.”
Children first learn by watching us, so if they see us learning how to calm down, it will help them learn these skills themselves. If we flooded and behaved in ways we’re not proud of, like yelling at them before we had a chance to reset, we’ll need to fix it.
“Losing control of your own emotions is normal and happens,” says Hovington. “Apologizing is not a sign of weakness – it is a moment of connection with our child.” It also models an apology – seeing you apologizing sets another good example.