How to Date Someone Who Is Worried
Everyone gets a little nervous when it comes to dating. It’s completely normal to experience butterflies in your stomach when you’re expecting a text message from your partner or wondering if they feel the same way about you. But for those who experience anxiety, these feelings are much more intense and occur more often.
If you’re dating someone who is anxious, it can be frustrating or confusing as to why your partner feels this way and why it’s hard for you to help them. First, it is helpful to understand what anxiety is.
How to Understand Your Partner’s Anxiety
While anxiety is a general term that can take many forms for people, when it comes to relationship anxiety, Dr. Joanne Frederick , licensed mental health consultant and author of Copeology , says the reasons why someone has Anxious attachments may develop, “may stem from their childhood and are most commonly seen in people with low self-esteem who have more favorable opinions of others than of themselves. They seek security and closeness from others. This becomes problematic when they become too dependent on this relationship. This can lead to anxiety and a suffocating panic about the actions, attention, loyalty and devotion of their partners.”
It can be hard to deal with your partner’s anxiety at times, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on the relationship, especially if you feel the connection is worth it. Frederick says that as long as your partner is looking for professional support for his anxiety, you can have a great relationship with him.
“Anxious people are not ‘crazy’ at all,” says Frederic. “They can be extremely intelligent, highly functional, loving, loyal, empathetic, successful and fun. The more secure and “safe” they feel with their partner, the less severe their anxiety may be. An anxious person’s partner should be patient, kind, open, and sympathetic.”
If you’re not sure what this entails or looks like an effective form, Frederic offers several strategies to help you get closer to your loved one.
Learn Your Partner’s Anxiety Triggers
According to Frederic, understanding your partner’s triggers is the first step to improving your relationship so that you know what causes their anxiety.
“Learning about their childhood is also helpful, as it will provide many clues as to what caused the anxiety they are experiencing,” she says. “If their childhood wasn’t the cause, ask them about any trauma they may have gone through if it’s comfortable to share.”
It is also helpful to find out if they are working with a therapist to overcome these issues, as this will help both of you form a more holistic connection.
Help your partner seek treatment and get involved when you can
If your partner isn’t seeking treatment, it’s a good idea to gently invite them to do so. It is important that you support him, but it is equally important that you do not act as his guardian or therapist.
The reason it’s good for you to participate, according to Frederick, is to “gain knowledge from a professional who has seen this type of anxiety behavior before and can help you deal with it and teach you the best ways to deal constructively.” your partner and manage your emotions. The more you understand about anxiety, the more it will “mean” to you, even if you don’t suffer from it.”
Don’t downplay or deny their feelings
Even if your partner’s anxiety doesn’t make sense to you, that doesn’t mean it isn’t real to your partner.
“Anxiety doesn’t always make sense or come out in a logical fashion, but it is nonetheless very real to the person experiencing it,” says Frederick. “Using phrases like ‘talk yourself out of it’, ‘shake it off’ or ‘it’s all in your head’ will be counterproductive.”
Instead, Frederick suggests the following scenarios to calm your partner down:
What can I do right now to help you?
Is there anything that upset you this morning or that you worry about later today or in the future?
Is there a place we can go or do something together that will take your mind off your worries?
You are safe; nothing will happen to you; I’m here.
Be specific in your words and watch your actions
Anxious people are often triggered by inconsistency and lack of information. This can be easily remedied if you understand that being specific in your communication and following through on your actions can help calm your partner down.
“A non-anxious person doesn’t have to be ‘mysterious’,” says Frederick. “For example, don’t say, ‘I’m leaving for a few hours, see you later.’ This leads the anxious person to believe that there is an element of mystery and deception involved. Be specific, for example: “I’m going to the mall and then I’ll have a bite to eat with a friend, call me on my mobile if you need me.” It makes the anxious partner feel like you’re being open and reachable.”
Another example, according to Frederick, is if your partner says, “I get very nervous when you’re late but don’t call, I feel insecure and anxious.” You can then easily fix it by calling or texting your partner when you’re running late.
Of course, you are entitled to your own boundaries, so you will need to discuss this with your partner in terms of how and when you are available to him. When what you say and do is consistently aligned, it will help your anxious partner trust your connection more and will inevitably help you understand each other better.
“The more open you are, the more secure your partner will feel,” says Frederick. “Share what suits your point of view in the relationship, but don’t act like you’re a CIA agent.”
Signs that this relationship is not for you despite your best efforts
At some point, if you have tried to intelligently change your behavior to avoid known triggers for your partner, but jealousy, distrust, and conflict still prevail in your relationship, this will only make for a difficult life that will escalate anxiety for both parties. says Frederic.
“Maybe you’ve even tried going to couples counseling together,” she says. “It’s unreasonable for one partner to expect they can get 100% of the ‘oxygen’ they need to survive from the other person. If attachment anxiety is so severe that no amount of appeasement, cheating behavior, support, or “coddling” improves the situation, then it’s highly likely the preoccupied partner needs more intensive treatment on him/her before they can have a healthy romantic partnership.”
And you have every right to leave.