I’m the Author of “Listen As If You Mean It” by Ximena Vengoechea, and This Is How I Work
Ksimena Vengoich listened a lot. Tuning her ears and mind to the needs of others is kind of a calling for her, not only in her work as a user researcher for some of the biggest names in the tech industry, but also as someone focused on the constant stimuli of modern life. Her book Hear How You Mean is a user’s guide to connecting to the world around you through the omnipotent power of listening, which involves much more than just maintaining eye contact and inserting weird affirmative nods. It happens that listening involves decoding and interpreting what is not said in addition to what is actually there.
I recently spoke with Vengoechea about the concept of listening and how improving listening skills can affect many aspects of our lives, including the way we work.
How can you improve the art of listening, and how does your research in this area affect your approach to work?
Most of us listen “well enough.” We grasp the superficial, literal meaning of what is said – enough to stay polite to our neighbors and colleagues, nod and smile at our partners – but we miss out on hidden implications and emotions.
Effective listening is about creating space for others to express themselves so that they can better understand them. Putting this into practice requires a strong awareness and understanding of ourselves (and what biases, assumptions, emotions, and experiences we bring into a particular conversation), as well as a strong understanding of others – and especially the needs of others in a conversation.
Understanding the needs of others has proven to be very effective in my work. In any conversation, it is very important to understand what needs your interlocutor brings, be it the need for support, advice, confirmation, or just a sensitive ear. This is a kind of detective work that greatly simplifies cooperation and coordination with other people, and also makes meetings (and life!) Much more interesting. I use this technique a lot in my approach to work. In the office, if I am called to a meeting, I want to reveal: what is the need here? What is this person trying to achieve? What role do they hope to play in meeting this need? There is always a latent need to open up, and by giving others the opportunity to express themselves by showing curiosity and asking questions along the way, I can come closer to understanding those needs and that person.
You finished your book raising a newborn during a pandemic and working full time in addition to freelance work – sounds like a monstrous effort. How did you manage your time during this process?
Monstrous is the right word! In general, I would not recommend trying to do everything at once, but it happens. Since I had so little time, I had to control it. I kept a huge spreadsheet to track my progress on the book over the course of two years. It helped me stay organized and motivated. It was a helpful reminder that I actually did what I set out to do, especially on the days when I was reworking a chapter and felt like I was making little progress.
Another thing I did was respect my natural productivity cycle as much as possible. Over the years, through observation and self-control, I have learned that the best thing to do is think strategically before dinner. Therefore, the morning for me is a great time to do my writing. As the day goes on, my energy diminishes, so I turn to less onerous efforts like administrative tasks and email. Evenings are best for “relaxed” activities like reading related books and expert research or drawing – my book only includes about 100 illustrations and drawing is pretty meditative for me and helps me to relax.
Knowing all this, it was much easier for me to find the right activity for a given period of time, which helps when you have little time to start. Another thing that helped was the creative use of available time pockets (such as commuting to work when we had them and my toddler’s nap time) and having a very supportive spouse – my husband definitely made up for the weakness at home and kept mine. we fed the baby.
In what ways can the average person dig deeper and use listening skills to build stronger relationships in everyday conversations?
We usually get so caught up in our own stories – focusing on reacting to what was said, mentally disconnecting because we find the topic boring, running ahead, trying to convince or correct someone – that we don’t actually hear what the other person is saying. … To truly listen to someone, we need to let go of our own assumptions, opinions, and preconceptions (and sometimes our emotions as well). In other words, we need to bring humility into the conversation – to change our mindset from being an expert with all the answers to being a student open to hearing more.
From there, show curiosity towards your interlocutor. What can you find out about them now? What can they teach you about a given topic, experience, or themselves? Asking others about their experiences is one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship because it demonstrates your interest in the other person. Research shows that instead of focusing our efforts on being interesting to others (by telling stories, jokes, or “speaking” for them), we should focus on being interested in others — that’s what attracts people. You can do this by asking open-ended questions. Questions with answers that start with “how” and “what” are more constructive questions than those that start with “do,” “is,” and “is,” which are more likely to influence others and lead to one thing. word, the answers are “yes” or “no”. Also ask clarifying questions to deepen the conversation. For example, encourage conversation by asking, “What else?” or “tell me more about this” or “tell me more.”
Of course, remember that your goal is to talk, not to interrogate, so make sure you pay attention to body language and tone of voice to see if your question is working or uncomfortable. This is where the “artistic” side of listening comes in – scripting is a great place to start, but you must continually test using your own eyes, ears, and intuition to make the conversation sing.
How can someone use listening skills to better communicate their approach to work?
One of the interesting things about improving your listening skills is that you begin to understand how much your ability to be an effective listener actually relates to you and not to the other person [and] how fun or boring they are (in fact, if they are boring, in a sense it’s on you). We tend to think that listening is nothing more than paying attention to and paying attention to another person, but it is also deeply related to paying attention to oneself. This is the observation of how we instinctively listen in conversation – what I call our “default listening modes”, a kind of filter through which we hear the world, for example, problem solving, mediation or confirmation, and whether a given listening mode is actually what is needed. It is identifying your personal hotspots, the ones that turn you off in a unique way and emotionally activate you in some way, whether it is talking about climate change, Father’s Day or feminism, and knowing when you are experiencing a strong reaction in the conversation from for this it is difficult to listen with sympathy. And it’s knowing what’s stopping you from being present, whether it’s a lack of food or sleep, that you’re a morning person or an owl, distracted by gadgets, and more. This kind of self-knowledge comes from taking a scientific approach and observing yourself in action: tracking your thoughts, instincts and emotions during a conversation, as well as reflecting on them afterwards. [Be aware of] external factors such as how your environment, the topic being discussed, or even a particular company affect your listening ability.
When you do this, it will be easier for you to see what is interfering with your ability to listen with empathy and even catch yourself in real time. I think this greatly simplifies a lot of our work-related conversations. During a performance test or heated debate, you may find yourself reacting emotionally to feedback and having a hard time listening to the other person. When meeting over coffee with a colleague, you may notice that you are losing a zone due to the fact that you are hungry, tired, or distracted by a previous conversation. Observing and learning from your behavior, as well as observing how your environment affects you, can help you discover your unique needs for the best listening experience. It will help make everything from meetings to brainstorming sessions, interviews, and client presentations smoother.
What lessons have you learned from your work as you write this book, and how do you hope to implement them in the future?
In my day-to-day work, I do not consider myself a perfectionist – my motto when working in startups has always been: “Made better than perfect”, and if a project took two months to complete, it was considered a long time. … But writing a book is another matter entirely. I have been working on the book for two years and it turns out that I do have some perfectionist tendencies for the right project. While I loved the blank page while writing (going from 0 to 80% was always my sweet spot), when it came time to edit, I found myself tending to overdo it.
The editing process taught me the importance of stepping back when you hit your limit, rather than trying to improve. I can’t tell you how many times in the last stretch of my job I tried so hard to “crack” a chapter that I ended up smashing it and making it even more messy, all because I was too close to and couldn’t figure out that thing. which needed to be fixed is actually much easier than I imagined. Kudos to my husband for forcing me to close my laptop and walk more than once! My editor also helped point out when something was good enough. The takeaway for me is that it’s important to be able to step back and recognize when you’ve reached the limit in improving anything, and it’s just as important to have people in your life and to support your work that you can turn to for help. things that you know you are not very good at and for which you do not have the energy or skills.