How to Overcome Religious Shame in Your Sex Life

If you were raised to view sex and sexuality as a source of shame and embarrassment, you might find that these feelings tend to persist, no matter how educated, open-minded, and open-minded you think you are today. If you are from a religious background, then it is probably even worse.

Fortunately, many religious leaders and secular counselors in the year A.D. 2021 know that harsh teachings about sexual expression and orientation do not appeal to spiritually wayward people and can even drive out believers. So, whether you are trying to balance your religious inclinations with your carnal desires, or overcome the shame that you internalized as a child and dragged into bed in your agnostic adulthood, we’ve reached out to experts who can help.

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex

In many religious families and communities, it is forbidden to talk about sexuality, but refusing to talk about anything does not eliminate them. Claire Voyant, a 28-year-old erotic artist from Philadelphia, tells Lifehacker that her religious upbringing still causes problems in her sex life, but she slowly overcomes them by talking to friends and counselors.

Leo Morton, an assistant pastor and transvestite from North Carolina, suggests the same, adding, “In this world, everyone needs two really good things: one is a good hairdresser and the other is a good consultant.” Morton is openly gay, but found that when he first spoke to a clergyman about his sexual attraction in his youth, he was turned off and told not to bring the issue up. Obviously, this approach hasn’t made him any less gay – and not talking about sexuality doesn’t make you less aroused either, just more unnecessary shame for feeling this way. Failure to acknowledge one’s sexuality only leads to suppression, which is why archaic beliefs about sex lead to such pervasive shame. Talking about sex will help you break the cycle before it breaks you.

Fortunately, there are specialized counselors who can help – people like Kevin Salazar, a psychotherapist at the New York City Center for Gender and Sexual Therapy, who tells Lifehacker that they often see long-standing shame in their work.

“I find that clients who grew up in a conservative religious environment often feel ashamed because they have (or not) are sexually and romantically attracted. People can be ashamed of acting according to their attraction, even in a supportive and consistent environment, ”they say.

Sex-positive friends can help too.

Counseling is not the only option because friends make great listeners too. Claire, who is also a retired sex worker, explains that because her Catholic education taught her that sexual pleasure was a woman’s responsibility to provide for a man, she struggled to masturbate or focus on her own pleasure during partnerships. that one day she decided not to wait for marriage – in itself this is a big step for people with a similar upbringing. She says hanging out with friends helps, although she admits she is “jealous” of those who grew up in a more liberal family and doesn’t understand where she comes from.

“Sometimes I totally feel like a strange person, like I’m hiding in plain sight,” she says.

Salazar explains: “People who grew up in a conservative religious environment and now have a liberal, sexually positive community also expressed feelings of isolation and misunderstanding from their peers, who did not experience the same shame and stigma.”

In some cases, the dog-hair approach can work, especially if you are still spiritual. Consider talking to insiders who can understand. Not all religious leaders are like the one Morton faced when he first asked about his sexuality, especially these days. If you are trying to reconcile the sexual part of yourself with the religious or spiritual part, you do not need to choose one thing.

“The shame and stigma that the church has been spreading around sexuality — regardless of orientation or gender — has been around for a long time,” says the Reverend Mandy McDow, senior minister of the First United Methodist Church in Los Angeles, which seeks to get its parishioners to welcome church members. LGBTQ + community and sex workers. “This was the way the church exercised authority and dominion over the vulnerable, which is a real sin.”

Find a community online

Welcoming rooms also exist outside of traditional churches, with the most obvious and extensive option right here on the Internet.

“There are various religious and spiritual communities that will welcome and expand their understanding of gender, sex and sexuality,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Center for Gender and Sexual Therapy. “And if it is important for you to be part of a particular church that tends towards more oppressive teachings, there are often differences in how teachings are discussed, depending on geography and in progressive online spaces.”

Kahn also recommends Erica Smith’s ” Cleanliness Culture Exclusion Program .” Hell, there’s even Reddit .

Learn to talk to yourself about sex

Do not be afraid to work on yourself, on yourself and on yourself. As Claire can attest, sex isn’t just about your relationship with someone else; it’s as much about you. Salazar recommends keeping a journal and listening to relevant podcasts or reading books; Claire suggests that you read these columns and then take the time to explore your own beliefs and desires in a convenient place. “Go at your own pace,” she says, “and practice gentle self-talk:“ The more positive messages about sex you can incorporate into your life, the better. Like, if you can, just do your best until you get tired of hearing people speak positively about sex, because you really need to completely rewire your brain. ” Echoing the advice of Salazar, who mentioned replacing stigmatizing language with affirmations in his practice with clients, Claire advises: “Think about all the time that has been planned in your life for people to talk negatively about sex, and now you have to do it, like, twice as positive. “

If you can believe that an omniscient god is angry with you for having sex, why not believe that that same god will be proud of you for it? Morton summarizes his thoughts: “God created us, and we are beautiful, and our bodies are part of the continuation of God Himself.” Praise will be.