Is Your “attachment Style” Causing Relationship Problems?
How we have grown affects our ability to maintain healthy relationships. This particular can of worms is approached by all sorts of self-help and mental health methods, but lately you’ve probably heard the most about what’s called “attachment theory.”
Attachment theory is not new, but it has gained attention over the past few years as a way to analyze and define relationships. In the Washington Post ‘s Solo column , writer Jenna Burch says she recently delved deeper into Attached Letter: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Maintain Love After Failed Relationships. and it works wonders for the way she thinks about dating.
Authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller based their book on the idea that all babies are born with an innate desire to bond with someone, and how that desire is maintained or hindered by our parents helps define how we try (or avoid) to bond. to others as Adults. It’s understandable why these theories are popular: because you can take a test that tells you about yourself.
The accompanying postulates four main categories of attachment outcomes, the idea is that the one you fall into can help explain how you approach intimate relationships. Attachment styles are broken down like this:
- Safety: It is said that safe people make up about 50 percent of the population, thank goodness. If they don’t, humanity could die. If you are safe, this usually assumes that you had helpful caregivers who made separation less intimidating. These people do not shy away from intimacy and are less anxious about relationships, probably because they don’t have much bad experiences with them. Lucky.
- Anxious: According to Attached , anxious people make up about 20 percent of the population. Anxious people are very comfortable with intimacy – so comfortable that they actually sit on your lap and wonder if you have fallen out of love with them if you step away to reach for the remote. They need a lot of confidence because they probably had guardians who were unable to meet their needs. They are also extremely sensitive and highly aware of any issues that arise.
- Avoidants: People who purportedly react to a “detached guardian” become incredibly independent and tend to feel uncomfortable with intimacy. The app says they make up about 25 percent of the population, and you’ve met everyone in college.
- “Disorganized”: Sometimes referred to as “intimidating” or “anxious and avoidant,” about five percent of the population is said to have some sort of addictive mix of attachment styles. A true roller coaster of love.
Limitations of attachment theory
Attachment theory has received a lot of criticism, as the four categories are hardly enough to cover all the many shortcomings of humanity. In 2016, psychologist and sex therapist Michael Aaron wrote for Psychology Today that attachment theory is too simplistic:
… Attachment theory seems to argue that attachment is a kind of monolithic map of relationships that is applied globally, but recent research suggests that people can be attached to different people in different ways. Indeed, the child may have a secure attachment to the mother, but avoidant attachment to the father, anxious attachment to the aunt, etc.
He also suggests using this theory as a way to nudge people to conform to a particular idea of ”normal” relationships, arguing that it enforces “arbitrary moralistic social standards regarding relational and sexual desires.”
Interesting point: For example, is the only kind of healthy relationship monogamous? Is there something wrong with you if you don’t want to settle down in a “normal” way? Attachment theory seems to imply that there is one path we should all take, and if not, it’s because of some mistake in our upbringing, not just a more open approach to love and relationships.
How Attachment Theory Can Help
However, a basic understanding of your trends can be a potentially useful guide, even if you don’t like where you are on the attachment axis. First, most people are a mixture of different behaviors, and you should try not to think of any of the categories as inherently negative. For example, an anxious person may be more susceptible to problems early on and thus be able to solve them. The avoiding person can be good at finding a way out of difficult problems and will not be overly demanding. It really comes down to what kind of person your traits are best suited to.
For Birch, the realization that she was an anxious person made her realize that she needed to be safe with someone who would not respond to her need for love with greater distance or disdain. While two insecure people can date, sometimes a relationship with a reliable person can potentially make you more secure because you are training to be more reliable with someone. Even if it doesn’t work, these are lessons learned for your next relationship.
The journalist and author of The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our Earliest Connections Shape Our Relationships and Lives , Peter Lowenheim, also told Birch that asking this question could clarify why some relationships did not work out while others:
Learning your attachment style can empower you. It is difficult if you are going through life anxiously and are unaware of it; for example, you will not understand conflicts and frustrations in your relationship. When you are studying attachment, you may think, “Oh, this is my style of attachment,” when something starts you up. You might even think, “I don’t need to react like that,” and change your behavior.
In fact, Lowenheim and the attachment theory movement still seem to encourage people to reflect on their behavior and what they can change, no matter what happened in the past.
This story was originally published in August 2018 and was updated on February 26, 2021 to follow the Lifehacker style guidelines.