How to Have Awkward Conversations With Children
One Saturday morning, as we were driving home from karate class, my then nine-year-old son asked me, “Mom, what is that word?” My husband and I looked at each other; we’ve got used to not swearing in front of him from the start (and when I say early, I mean it took us his entire first year of life to stop completely). I’m not one of those who actively teaches my son to swear, so first of all I train to stop. But I also strongly believe that when your child asks you a serious question, you do your best to give him an honest, albeit age appropriate, answer. But damn, it might be inconvenient.
There seems to be an endless list of awkward conversations we will have with our children as they get older, especially regarding certain body parts, bodily functions, childbirth and sex. But to say, “Well honey, the s-word is shit, which is another word for poop,” is not at all the sentence one would imagine when he said when he dreams of children. However, this – or some equally uncomfortable version – always lurks around the corner. Here’s how you can prepare for it and learn to feel more comfortable with uncomfortable things.
Think ahead
Ideally, the time to think about how you will talk with your children about such things as the birth of children, before it happens. Try to anticipate any “important conversations” you will have with them when they grow up ( we have tips on how to solve many of them ), and arm yourself with some age-appropriate language tips and explanations. You can still feel some of the topics a little the first time, but if you have any semblance of an answer, it will ease the pressure a little.
Fortunately for me, although I did not expect to actively teach my sweet child a lot of swearing, I had already considered what my position would be with regard to his curses. My husband and I think that it is unrealistic to expect that the child will never swear, especially with friends, as he gets older. However, swearing in front of a grandmother or a 2-year-old cousin is not something I’m going to be okay with. So I told him, “I’ll tell you what that word is. But first we need to talk about when it’s okay and when it’s not, use it, because it can be offensive to some people and in certain situations can cause you problems. “
We’ve laid out a pretty simple rule: don’t scold children younger than you and don’t scold adults until you become an adult. In other words, you don’t want to teach a small child a bad word, and your teacher won’t be impressed if she hears it either. He thought it sounded fair, so we were able to continue as I called and defined “shit” and many other words that you are thinking of right now.
Location is key
Awkward conversations will be much less uncomfortable – for you and for them – if you don’t have to make eye contact. Of course, there are times when a serious conversation requires eye contact. But in many cases, the lack of eye contact can help them ask more open and honest questions.
My favorite place for this kind of conversation is the car. My eyes must remain on the road; he can look out the window. We can take our time answering each other. For some reason it seems less dangerous. Walking around the area is also good, because you are close to each other, but facing forward. I also know a mom who loves to invite her teenage son into the kitchen to “keep her company” while she prepares dinner. She chops vegetables while he empties his soul. The safety is that her attention is divided, if only slightly.
The damn conversation, as I mentioned, took place in the car, and I suspect it’s because my son is used to the fact that this is a more convenient place to ask such questions.
Admit that you’re embarrassed too
You can prepare answers and choose a good place for “big conversations,” but that doesn’t mean you don’t feel embarrassed — you’re only human and you may not be used to verbalizing some of these questions. themes. If you feel uncomfortable, chances are your kids will notice. And they may interpret your indecision or discomfort as a result of their question and therefore that they did something wrong by asking it. Children are very good at internalizing our emotions and blaming themselves for things that we could not even imagine that they blame themselves.
So if you’re embarrassed, admit it. “It may seem like I’m trying to find the answer here,” you say. “It’s just because I’m not used to talking a lot about XYZ and I’m trying to find the right words. But this is a good question and I am so glad you asked it. ” It’s actually a bonus of sorts: your awkwardness gives you an additional opportunity to verbalize your feelings, which is always good for modeling.
End it with this
I have a penchant for incoherent speech when I have an awkward conversation with my son. I often see one simple question as an opportunity to address a whole range of questions at the same time, following my own interests and, having no intention of dancing around his simpler question. But I don’t want him to think that I am deliberately avoiding his question, so I always end one of these conversations with the words, “Did I answer your question?”
Sometimes he says that I have, and sometimes he says: “Well, I still don’t understand …”, and I understand that I went too far in the wrong direction or missed an important detail and can correct the course without leaving it in even more confused than when we started.