How to Support Your Non-Binary Child

If your child identifies – or you suspect they might identify – as non-binary, you may find yourself trying, firstly, to understand exactly what this means, and, secondly, to support him in the right way, without pressure on him. and without becoming overbearing.

First, some basics

Before we start talking about supporting your non-binary child, it would be helpful to understand that there is no one precise and quick definition of this term – identifying as a non-binary child can mean different things to different people. So, for starters, if your child identifies as non-binary, psychologist Dr. Theo Burns says it’s important to understand what that means specifically to him.

“Often when we think of non-binary, we think of people who don’t necessarily fit into the traditional binary labels of male or female,” says Burns, who works with clients at the Los Angeles Gender Center .

The term can be used to describe anyone who does not believe they fall under the category of men or women, including, but not limited to, people who identify as gender mutable, agender (no gender), or third gender.

And this is where many parents get confused.

When I asked Burns where he sees in his work with non-binary youth and their families, parents most often stumble, trying to support their children, he replied that this is right here, in the very definition of gender.

“Non-binary youth can face a lot of people who do not validate their identity and do not normalize it,” says Burns. “They can tell their kids that this is a ‘phase’ or that perhaps [identifying as] non-binary is a step towards being trans.”

The insistence of some parents for their child to “choose a gender” – for the convenience and convenience of others – can devalue children and negatively affect their mental health.

Follow their lead

You may suspect that your child is struggling with his gender identity, but in fact, he has not yet started a dialogue with you about it. There are many ways to show your non-verbal support. Parents can submit books, TV shows or films with characters who identify as LGBTQ + and comment on them in a way that confirms their entire sexual and gender identity. Or Burns says you can use news events as a way to talk to your kids about your own gender values.

If you can still see them fighting, you can ask them if everything is okay and tell them that you love them, and they can talk to you about anything – just don’t go too far.

“The kids will let us know when they want us to talk to them,” says Burns. “What parents don’t want to do is bring up a problem that the child is not ready [to discuss] or is not yet fully formed.”

And once they do speak to you, follow their directions as to what they may or may not want to disclose to others, including family, friends, or their school community. Some children will want others to know; some may not feel safe disclosing it outside the home.

“Depending on the child’s cultural orientation, race or school community, going out may not be safe and not necessarily the best option at the time,” says Burns. “Therefore, I tell the parents:“ Do not push the child and do not pull the child out of the toilet, from which they do not want to leave yet. ”

On the other hand, if they really want to prove themselves, for example, at school, parents can help arrange meetings with the school administration or teachers. And you can first consult with your local therapist or gender specialist, who can often provide specific scripts that you can use when talking to school leaders.

It’s important to ask your child how you can support them and then deliver that support – and it’s important to be open and supportive without being overbearing or making the issue or discussion more important than they want.

Educate yourself

Sara Hosseini writes for the Washington Post that the responsibility for learning about non-binary identity rests with you, not the child:

Since the start of the pandemic, many youth and parent support groups have been working online. Joining LGBT groups on Facebook will allow you to connect with other parents who are going through the same and share information. Books and podcasts are great options too.

[at] Furuya [Senior Manager, GLSEN Youth Program, Gay, Lesbian and Heterosexual Education Network] says parents need to be more proactive and do research on their own, rather than putting their child on the job.

“I have to do anti-racist work. So I’m not going to just go to someone in my organization or in my community and say, “Hey, I don’t want to say something racist, how can I do that?” Instead, I will do my homework, watch my videos, listen to people as they speak, and listen to speeches that have already been given, ”Furuya says. It’s the same with people who are LGBTQ. Don’t shift the burden of your education onto the person you are trying to support.

Burns also recommends The Transgender Child: A Guide for Families and Professionals and The Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents and Professionals Supporting Trans and Non-Binary Teens , which he says provide some useful information about non-binary identity.

Use correct pronouns

If your child wants you to use the pronoun “they / they” to refer to him / her rather than “he / she”, use the correct pronouns. This is not grammatically incorrect , and while it may take a while to get used to, their pronouns are an important part of their identity.

“I think the pronoun is very important for kids,” says Burns. “I tell my parents, ‘The first thing you want to do is just try – and even if you’re wrong, keep trying.’ Children notice when parents try to use pronouns. “