How Can I Stop Sleeping With My Older Child?

Sleep problems are pretty much a given at some point in parenting – yours, theirs, or more often both of you. Guess what’s not helping? This pandemic, thank you very much . The kids are locked up more than ever. They deal with pent-up energy and strange new schedules, as well as some extra anxiety mixed in for good measure. This is understandable if children now find it difficult to fall asleep in their own beds. However, this does not mean that the parent wants to share their bed indefinitely. As one parent wrote to us:

My daughter is 5 years old and we have moved into her “big girl bed”, but she still refuses to sleep alone. She says she is scared. I didn’t force the issue because we are all falling asleep and I didn’t want to make another big change in the midst of the pandemic, but it seems to me that the time is long gone. How to stop sleeping with your older child?

Sincerely,

Temporary coulter bed

Dear “Temporary ally”,

I think we’ve all loosened up the parenting reins a little now, whether it’s giving more screen time than usual, letting kids stay up late, feeding them more snacks, or just throwing our hands up and saying, “Okay, anyway … make you happy! “(There is a lot of Minecraft going on in my house. Truly, a lot of Minecraft .)

In your question, I heard partly that you want to stop sleeping together and partly that you think you should stop sleeping together. So the first thing I would suggest is to consider if you really want to do it – mainly because your ultimate success is likely to depend directly on how committed you are. You probably want to buckle up for a hard ride, that’s what I’m talking about.

I’m not sure if sleeping together is a new habit or if your daughter ever actually slept in her “big girl’s bed,” but you mentioned that she says she’s scared at night. When I reached out to Tracy Ball, a speech pathologist at Enable My Child , for advice on how to effectively communicate with her child about the transition, he said it was important first to understand exactly what she meant when she said she was scared. – and really listen to her answer.

“If a child says, ‘I’m scared, there are monsters in my room,’ and you say, ‘Monsters don’t exist,’ then now they need to convince you,” says Ball. Instead, “really listen to them. Say: “Tell me what you see; show me what you see ”and really dive in for three minutes. Confirm their emotions by listening to them and thinking about solutions together. “

If she is afraid of the dark, you can go for a night light together. If she is afraid of monsters, come up with an antidote for them . If she is afraid of being left alone, perhaps a slightly open bedroom door will help. Just be careful not to go too far into “protective mode”. Whenever possible, Ball says, focus less on protecting her from unpleasant nighttime experiences and more on what they can do to get a good night’s sleep and have happy dreams. You don’t want to dismiss her fears, but putting too much emphasis on protecting her from fearful things can actually reinforce that there is actually something to fear.

Ball then suggests working out a daily routine together before bed. Since she is five years old, “together” is crucial here; you want her to have a say in creating a soothing routine. It could be something like: bath time, pajamas, reading, cuddling, a couple of songs, and then turning off the lights. Order is less important than consistency. And you can have fun drawing or creating a graphical chart or timetable to hang up as a reminder and a way to keep your focus on task.

“Focus on spending time together and creating a structure so that they have a lot of quality time before bed,” says Ball, because a quality time with you may actually be what she craves.

You can empathize with what she wants (to sleep next to you) and strengthen the boundaries you set (her bed is for her and your bed is for you). Praise her for trying to follow your new schedule, especially when she manages to stay put. But mostly? Stay consistent, consistent, consistent.

Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.