How Can I Support My Adult Child With a Mental Disorder?
Mental health continues to be one of the most requested topics that readers ask me to cover both in the parenting advice column and other more general articles. So I was not surprised that when I wrote in January about raising a child who is at risk of developing a mental disorder, it raised another question from readers on this topic – this time about raising an adult child with a mental illness.
Here’s this question from user Kinja Mushin:
“What will happen after your child becomes an adult? We had many resources until my son was 18 years old; now we cannot find any help. “
Mushin,
From your question, I cannot tell if your difficulties are related to your specific health insurance or local resources available to adults, or if it is due to your lack of control over your child’s mental health care now as an adult.
Without going into details, I am suggesting that the struggle has more to do with your new role in supporting your adult child’s care. And I will take on this fight from two different sides: if they need help (and, in particular, your help), and if they do not want to.
If they want your help
If your adult child needs your help navigating the mental health system (or at least is open to your help), this is a great first step. Start by offering help with your initial research or phone calls.
“There are many 18-year-olds in my practice, and usually the first contact with me is with one of the parents,” says Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating adolescents . “Offer to make the first phone call and offer to go with them to the first meeting.”
This could be key, Greenberg said, because even though the 18-year-old is now a legal adult, it can still be daunting to see a mental health professional for the first time. If a teenager is especially hesitant about meeting, she says that sometimes she even first meets with the parent first.
“You can say, ‘If you want, I’ll go to him first and give my opinion,” she says. “Or you could do a couple of interviews because it should be a good match. This is one way to support the process. “
You can also offer to drive them to meetings and sit in the waiting room so they can feel your support without even being present. But as soon as they come out, do not be intrusive, hammering them with the game “Twenty Questions”. They can share what they would like to share, and don’t be shy about the rest.
What if your child doesn’t like the specialist you have chosen? “Read this, too,” Greenberg says. Just because you liked or recommended this person does not automatically mean that they will suit everyone. After all, she says, you can’t get an 18-year-old to do what you want them to do; but you can go with them and help them on their journey.
If they don’t need your help
Chances are, though, that one of the reasons you’re struggling to help your adult child do this is because they don’t want your help. Maybe they don’t think they need help at all, or maybe you just aren’t the one they want to lean on. If there is no reason to believe that they pose an immediate danger to yourself or someone else, there is little you can legally do about it.
But legality aside, there are still ways to talk to an adult child about their mental health and offer support without becoming overbearing or pushing them away. Mental health speaker Victoria Maxwell, who turned down her parents’ mental health support in her youth, writes for Psychology Today that listening is the first step in supporting your child. You are on the same team, but after a lifetime of making decisions, they need to know that now they are heard and understood (even if you disagree with them).
And since you care deeply about their interests, it may be important for you to acknowledge that you may not be the best person to advise them right now. Maxwell says:
Sometimes there is too much hostility, so much destroyed trust (on both sides) that your adult child sees you (at the moment) only as an enemy. Due to the current (but temporary) unstable nature of the relationship, it may be best to find out with whom, if anyone, they really get along well. Is there someone they will listen to; Who do they trust or who do they trust? This person should be someone who cares deeply about their interests (obviously), not someone who allows them or makes the situation worse. For example, not the person with whom they drink or who encourages them to believe that you are interfering with them. A close friend, a reliable uncle, a former teacher they admire are options.
And then let them know that you love them unconditionally and will be with them as they treat them in the way that is most beneficial to them. But at the same time, boundaries may need to be set — loving them unconditionally, Maxwell notes, doesn’t mean you have to endure physical or verbal abuse. But of course you will want to make sure they are safe:
It could be about giving them a place, that you are busy with them, or telling them that they need to leave. Always make sure they are safe and not at risk of suicide or harm to anyone. If they are at risk, they will need to be taken to the emergency room (or, if they refuse but are still in danger, call an ambulance or the police).
Finally, make sure you take care of your own mental health. You may find it helpful to speak with a professional or to join a support group yourself, such as the National Alliance for Mental Illness Family Support Group . The more support you have , the more you can be of service to your child.
Do you have a parental dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advisory” in the subject line, and I’ll try to answer them here.