It May Not Be As Important As You Are a Parent.
As someone who writes a lot about parenting and with the exact purpose of helping make all aspects of this monstrous, daunting task a little easier, I take a little twice when I saw this headline in Modern Parenting: Does Parenting Even Matter ? Better deal! Otherwise, why am I sitting here writing about potty training, when to train a picky eater, and how to deal with toddler’s fear of automatic toilets ? These things matter.
But then I read the whole article, which I also suggest you do, and I feel better. In fact, I feel so damn good because the bottom line is that the aspects of parenting that we love – loving our children, supporting our children, connecting with our children – matter. However, everything else – how strict we are, whether they have a schedule of chores or whether we signed them up for yoga classes for toddlers – has much less to do with how they end.
These are debates about the old nature and upbringing. To what extent is our personality determined by our genetic makeup, and to what extent is it a direct result of the environment in which we grow up?
Professor at King’s College London, Plomin is one of the world’s leading experts in the study of identical twins, and his book Blueprint explores how DNA shapes human character. In a recent public debate in London, he stated unequivocally: “Parenting matters,” he said, “but not in terms of determining the psychological outcome of a child.”
Plomin means that while it is very important that we love and care for our children, other things matter much less. The new data reveals things like which school your child goes to, whether they travel, how many books you read to them when they’re young, and how much (or if) you push them to certain activities, Plomin says. whether they have a lot of influence, if at all, on who they are now or who they have become. In other words: if your child is cocky and strong-willed, he will almost certainly spend his life defying authority, whether you run your household on a strict military schedule or take away his education in a yurt.
I think that’s good, but it’s a double-edged sword. This means that if we get confused a little, if we get too helicoptery, or if we never manage to implement a solid bedtime routine, it really doesn’t matter in any long-term, fundamental way. Constantly letting them go to bed 20 minutes late is nothing compared to making them feel safe and loved.
On the other hand, the opposite is true. We can find fault with them every day about the importance of getting homework done on time, but hey, the procrastinator will procrastinate. We can’t believe how great they turned out to be, but we also don’t have to take all the blame if they turn out to be less than good. We can break our hands a lot less over details, here’s the gist :
Parenting matters – of course it does – but not in the overly complex, adversarial, anxiety-ridden sense that many of us are used to thinking. “Our children are born as they are,” says Plomin. Our job as parents is to love, support, accept and enjoy them. The rest is gravy.
However, I will continue to come up with new parenting tips for you. Because we have to potty train them; picky eaters can be frustrating; and these automatic washers are LOUD. How we deal with any of these issues may not have much of an impact in the future, but it may still make today a little easier.