An Evil Way to Keep Dogs Out of Your Lawn

Dogs are good. Dog owners are assholes. Not all, but obviously a lot. Because in my city, on every site with gently groomed flowers, there is a sign pleading with people not to let dogs shit and urinate on it. The same signs appear on the lawns in the Moscow region. And they don’t stop dog owners. Flowers die, grass turns brown, lawns and gardens smell like urine. If you’re one of those frustrated signage posters, says Reddit, you might want to post a poison warning instead.

If neighbors don’t respect your No Dogs sign, replace it with WARNING: Lawn Sprayed with Pesticides. This is what Reddit user FantasyMaster85 suggests on the Unethical Life Pro Tips subreddit . When appeals for decency don’t work, appeals for self-interest can still work. You can also warn neighbors with flyers and act like you are a responsible resident who simply cares about the welfare of an animal that has been dumped on your porch.

This is far from reliable. Your neighbors can call your bluff. They may, as one of the redditors point out , start blaming you every time their dogs get sick . You can end up with an escalating war over territory that will bring suffering to all your homes up to the eighth generation. To see how angry people are on behalf of their dogs, check out the comments on this post. You can also scare people with kids and you don’t want to fuck with scared parents.

But sometimes it can work, and the same principle applies to other controversies: if someone doesn’t do what needs to be done to help others, they can do it to save their butt. You can’t bully your way through life by always jumping to the most hostile approach, but sometimes it’s the only way to get someone to rise.

Even during Wicked Week, I don’t recommend that you poison your green spaces just to scare away the dogs. Animals don’t deserve to be sick just because they have shitty, selfish owners. And even when you are bluffing, first check what you are legally allowed to bet on the lawn. You will feel pretty stupid if you find yourself in court for a fake pesticide.


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