How to Stop Arguing and Solve Relationship Problems
Arguing between couples is completely normal. But sometimes these arguments are not particularly productive and develop into conversations instead of useful discussion, and sometimes they can even be destructive . This can be avoided.
In this article, we’ll talk about romantic relationships. Obviously, any argument with another person can benefit from some of these principles, but different dynamics of relationships require different approaches. What works for your boyfriend may not be the best solution for dealing with your boss or lousy roommate . Romantic relationships have their own unique challenges and are best addressed when they begin .
Realize that there are two problems: your emotions and your situation.
When you first get upset or angry with your significant other, two problems almost always arise: your emotions and the real problem. For example, say that you are disappointed that your partner did not wash the dishes. Now you need to solve two problems: you need to wash the dishes and no longer be upset that your partner did not do it.
In most other areas of life, we understand that you need to prioritize your problems and tackle them separately. It only makes sense to do the same with your fights. Before you tell your loved one something like “Could you wash the dishes at least once?!” you may want to make sure that you are not one of those irrational people who make it difficult to have a productive discussion.
When you are angry and aiming at a loved one, this is the worst time to start voicing your displeasure (with the exception of Festivus ):
For example, Dr. [Harriet] Lerner mentions that in order to deal with complaints or different ideas about how to deal with an impending dilemma, couples need to take a soothing break from communication if one or both become emotionally charged. “Anger is an important emotion,” she said, but “when emotions flare up, our ability for clear thinking, empathy and creative problem solving goes down the drain …” Discussions are much more productive when both parties are calm enough to be open to listen to the other person’s point of view and be able to express your concerns without pointing your finger.
Of course, it’s okay to be discouraged and angry (although constantly thinking about your problems without doing anything can only make you angry). Accepting that your emotions are the real thing to deal with and different from the subject matter of your actual dispute sets the stage for a solution.
Deal With Your Emotions First
When it comes to managing anger, everyone has their own way to relax . If you find yourself on the verge of an argument with your loved one, take time to deal with your stress and let them do the same. In most cases, it is probably best to do it alone (although in some delicate situations it may be helpful to just breathe where you are). Do what lowers your energy. To go for a walk. Listen to loud music. Write an angry note and then destroy it.
This works best if you tell your partner in advance how you can best deal with stress. Stomping, mumbling to yourself without saying a word is a quick way to offend someone. Before you get into a fight, find out how your loved one deals with anger and make sure he knows what you need. Even saying, “I need to take a walk. Let’s talk in a few minutes, ”is more beneficial than“ Anyway ”.
Most importantly, once you calm down, come back. As we mentioned earlier, when a fight starts, you are faced with two problems. Calming down solves one problem, and it’s easy to feel like things are getting better. Sometimes it does (and we’ll talk about it in the next section), but if you have an ongoing problem with your partner, it won’t go away just because you got into Bohemian Rhapsody for a while.
Deal with the situation when you return
Once you calm down, you can begin to rationally approach your problem. First, you can now better choose your battles . Fighting with your partner about not washing the dishes the first time on a long day may not be worth it. On the other hand, if you haven’t been together for thirteen weeks in a row, it is probably worth discussing it.
When you return to talk to your loved one, use a collaborative approach. If you solve a problem as your partner’s adversary, you create barriers that only complicate a happy relationship. As psychology put it today:
Any fight indicates that the partners have taken a position against each other. Struggle pits me against you with the expectation that one of us will emerge victorious and the other the loser. Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win.
On the contrary, joint partnership involves solving problems at the same time. When jointly discussing even the most delicate and complex issues, both sides strive for mutual understanding. Both seek to understand each other’s point of view, as well as express their concerns. Both suggest that a broader and deeper understanding of their problems and those of their partner will pave the way for moving forward that will respond to all of these concerns.
Sometimes the problem will be just how you feel. “When you don’t put your smartphone down at lunch, I feel forgotten” is just as legitimate a problem as disputes over household chores. It’s important to express the problem as something that the two of you can work on together.
Be sure to take action after the conversation. Your ability to communicate is important and helps you feel more attached to your partner, but if nothing changes, you will have the same conversations again in a week. Once you two have decided what needs to be changed, follow the same tactics you would use to form good habits . Remind yourself later that your partner wants to change. Don’t rely on memory alone.
Makeup, put up
You are angry. You have calmed down. You have discussed everything. You have developed a plan for what needs to be changed. It’s OK, really? Well maybe. If you stop there and do nothing else, you will still be better than a regular flashy match. However, if you want to make sure it becomes a habit, reward yourself.
Cuddling, watching a movie, or doing old-fashioned makeup are all positive ways to end an argument on a joyful note (although if you skip the steps to resolve the conflict, having sex with makeup can be a destructive habit like cocaine ). Ideally, you will enjoy the company of your significant other and make each other happy. If the two of you have seriously discussed your problems, take the time to reward yourself with each other’s company.
It may sound trivial, but rewarding constructive behavior is a basic principle of manipulating yourself and others in order to improve yourself . If that’s not enough, science shows that the old adage “Don’t go to bed in anger” seems to be true . Rather than agreeing to just not be angry, do your best to go to bed happy, content, and look forward to a better relationship than you were yesterday.
This story was originally published on 8/20/13 and updated on 9/27/19 with new photos and current links reflected.