Don’t Feel Guilty About Having Only One Child.
We all know stereotypes. Only children do not adapt well. They are selfish spoiled boys. It’s just that the kids are so weird. And by not having more children, you are also selfish, causing harm for the whole life, depriving your child of the most important family relationships.
These myths are misguided and destructive, and it’s time to dispel them once and for all. If you have an only child, want to have an only child, or you cannot have more than one child, rest assured that your family is perfect as it is, and you can ignore slanting eyes and passive-aggressive: “Yeah, he is the only one , eh ? That’s why:
They don’t fit the negative stereotype.
Ever since Granville Stanley Hall, the preeminent expert on child psychology in the late 1800s, famously declared that the only child was “a disease in itself,” the stereotype of loneliness has persisted. This is despite the fact that his apparently unscientific poll only about children has been refuted over and over again, as Caitlin Gibson writes for The Washington Post :
Hall’s theories were ultimately disproved by an onslaught of credible research in the following decades. (In the mid-1980s, social psychologist Tony Falbo and researcher Denise Polite looked at over a hundred studies of children alone, conducted since 1925, and concluded that only children are virtually indistinguishable from other children in terms of personality. intellectual and academic benefits have been found in children.
One particularly comprehensive and wonderful book on this topic is One and Only: The Freedom to Have an Only Child and the Joy of Being One , by journalist (and only child) Lauren Sandler. Sandler explores – and debunks – the myths about the only child and explores the unique ways that so-called “loners” can actually thrive.
And to add a little anecdotal evidence of his own: my child is insanely friendly, he will give you a shirt from his back, and he is really quite normal. I’m biased, I know, but it’s true.
It’s becoming more common
My son sometimes laments that he is the only child he knows . That’s when I start pointing out all the other families with one child around us. Mia across the street is an only child. One of my closest friends – my son’s godmother – has an only child who comes to spend the night all the time. One of the kids my son got closest to in school this year? Only a child. Logan, from football? Yeah, just.
Of course, most of his friends have brothers and sisters. But he is still far from the only one . While this may be nothing more than a personal observation on my part, the Pew Research Center ‘s analysis of the structure of the American family confirms this. Since the mid-1970s, the number of women with only one child by the end of childbearing age has doubled from 11 percent to 22 percent.
Only children are no longer an anomaly; they are all around us.
It might be nice
Having only one child can mean more energy, money, and flexibility in the family. As Lydia, a member of our Offspring Facebook group , says: “We love our lifestyle and we feel we can keep it with one child. We can travel, go to good restaurants, explore museums and [do] our best to make sure she has the best experience. ”
Can an only child wish for a brother or sister? Of course they can. I think my son will probably always be. But he has four cousins with whom I suspect he will be close, and the absence of a brother and sister has helped him – and us – pay more attention to developing and maintaining his friendships. (My house is a party house that’s good in its own way – noisy and lively when I feel like it; send them all home when I don’t.)
And sometimes it’s not for lack of trying
When my son was at this particularly difficult age of 2-3 years, I loved to say: “I hope he likes being an only child, because THIS IS WHERE THIS IS THE CHAPTER.” But deep down, I’ve always wanted at least one more.
When my son was four years old, we became foster parents with the intention of adopting a child who needed a permanent home. After two years – and two strangling acts – we decided to try and have another child of our own. After two miscarriages, we looked around and said: “Yeah, we are fine with one.” We were tired of the journey and wanted to arrive at our destination.
This sentiment is reflected in our Offspring Facebook group among parents whose secondary infertility, difficult pregnancies, traumatic childbirth, divorce, miscarriages and loss of a baby have led them (or forced them) to conclude that they are the same thing. But what I noticed even among the parents’ comments, who did not necessarily choose just one, is that many of them felt peaceful about it.
I specifically mentioned what Presi said: “I don’t know that I have a sense of ‘completeness’, but I’m just happy with the way our little family is.”