Ode to Chocolate Brownies
Just as there are “process” and “product” killers , I like to think there are “bakers” and “product bakers”. Process people find comfort and joy in doing their favorite hobby, while product people strive for results. Like Jeffrey Dahmer, I am in the product business, but our goals are very different. Dahmer needed a comatose sex slave; I just want some cakes.
Before college – before working for a few years in a powder measuring lab – I was a baker. I was new to cooking in general and I found the accuracy of the recipes to be reassuring. But as I got older, more confident in the kitchen, and a lot more tired, I liked it less and less to be told what to do. All of this could be the reason why I enjoy the almost instant enjoyment of a chocolate brownie in a box, or because – in most cases – the Ghirardelli dark chocolate blend is simply tastier than most homemade cakes, especially when you factor in the payout ratio effort.
When I expressed this opinion a few weeks ago , both my editor-in-chief and deputy editor reacted with horror. “What homemade cakes have you tried?” – asked Alice. I couldn’t remember because I didn’t remember any of them. “Have you tried Katharine Hepburn’s brownies ?” she asked. I didn’t have it, but I promised her that I would do it and then I did. I also made cakes with one A.A. bowl. Newton’s for bad days .
Obviously none of these pastries are bad because they are all test squares of chocolate, sugar and fat, but none of the homemade recipes convinced me to give up my box of Ghirardelli mix for five very specific reasons:
- Time: From start to finish, it took three minutes for the chocolate brownies to get into the oven and that was because I was moving quite slowly while the homemade recipes took about 10. I usually find myself in crisis mode when I need a whole pan of brownies and every minute counts.
- Dishes crafted: Mixing required one bowl, one liquid measuring cup, and one rubber spatula. The other two recipes also required only one bowl, but they used dry measuring cups and measuring spoons, which meant more dishes had to be washed. If you know anything about me, it’s that I hate doing the damn dishes.
- Ingredient Counting: You need a lot more things to make cakes from scratch. In fact, I already had most of these things at home, but not all, and I should not let my privilege / wealth of ingredients blind me to the fact that buying flour, sugar (in some cases two types), cocoa and / or or baking chocolate and you can add vanilla. Do you know what is always at hand? At least one egg and some vegetable oil. (Plus a box of the mix costs two dollars.)
- Texture: This is where the chickens do come home for the night. None of the homemade recipes gave me the texture that I love so much. The Ghirardelli Blend in the Box makes the brownies fluffy in the center and lightly crispy and very chewy around the edges with a spider-thin, shiny crust. Brownies Hepburns were quite fluffy, very soft and had a lovely crust, but lacked the same flavor. The brownies in the same bowl were nice and moist too, but looked more cake-like than I wanted. (It’s worth noting, however, that Ofclair was his favorite one-bowl brownie if his opinion matters to you.)
- Taste: The taste of the brownies in one bowl was actually quite pleasant, and if it weren’t for the question of texture, they would have won me over. Brownies Hepburn were a little soft. Compared to the intense flavor of Ghirardelli dark chocolate brownies, they were slightly flat and slightly sweet, as if you were comparing dark chocolate to milk. (As I type this, I secretly archive important documents in case Alice fires me, but I have to tell my truth.) The brownies in the boxes also have a slight pungent, almost salty taste, which I think balances the sweetness, but that might to be a case of delight and yearning for the scents of my childhood that tend to be processed.
Again, none of these pastries are bad. They are all pastries, after all. But in the early morning hours, when I stumbled into the kitchen half asleep to grab a bite from grief over the sink, what kind of frying pan did I reach in the dark? What chocolate treat have I been able to sense by touch since I was so familiar with the chewy corners and shiny crust? That’s right, reader, boxed chocolate chip cookies.
Dahmer never realized his dream of creating a zombie sex slave who would never leave him, but my dreams are much simpler. All I want is a chewy, sticky, aggressively chocolate brownie that takes less than five minutes of my active time. Is there a recipe for the best brownie? Yes, probably. But why look for something “better” when guaranteed happiness can be bought for two dollars?