Treat First Dates As If They Could Be Special
It’s wise not to put pressure on your first date that brings you incredibly high expectations. You will only make yourself nervous and most likely make the date uncomfortable. But have we gone too far in a different direction? It’s time to stop treating every first date like the first pancake in the pan. Don’t feed this to the relationship dog.
In an essay for The Cut, writer Rainsford Stauffer writes that the best first date is “boring coffee.” She gives her own example, when someone invited her for coffee, the coffee turned into a walk, then a movie, and then hanging out and laughing late at night. It really looks like a great day, and I don’t mind any of this:
With something as simple as coffee, you can’t rely on anything else to fill the dating space with a stranger sitting across from you to distract yourself from the awkwardness it brings. You can’t be a date performance artist nailing all your lines; you have to be human. Activities and adventures are fun, but sometimes you just want to sit with someone with whom you can sit comfortably.
And, as I said earlier, coffee is much cheaper than alcohol, and it makes you look at the other person with the objectivity of sobriety.
What surprised me about Stauffer’s statement was how many trendy first dates she had: “Cooking classes, invitations to gala concerts I didn’t have dresses for, extravagant bottles of wine bought with a reminder of how expensive they were. , formal. lunches where we both realized halfway through that neither of us really felt it. ‘
What?! Who are all these general planners and generous benefactors? It looks like the people planning those more complicated dates weren’t her cup of tea or coffee. But in today’s dating scene, it has become so rare to waste time actually planning or treating your first date as if you were dating someone special. Which is sad because isn’t that what we’re all hoping for?
So, I am in favor of having more first dates. Absolutely cool, relaxed, of course, without pressure.
Start with coffee, but remember the second part.
As Staufer mostly writes, no matter how chic the restaurant is, if you don’t like your date, you don’t want to be there. Getting started with coffee is a great way to get a feel for the ambiance with small stakes. The vibrations usually subside very quickly, and unlike in a bar, it is harder to drink coffee after coffee if you really like the person. Instead of asking for a kiss, you will ask where the bathroom is.
The best thing to do is scout ahead – what’s next to the café that you would suggest taking a walk with a caffeinated drink? The park? Museum? A fresco for a good photo shoot? I recently went on a date where after coffee we were by the river. We ended up kayaking for a few hours, which was great. Scheduling intimacy for a second date is still a pretty low rate, but having something in your back pocket to extend your date is smart. This could be someone you really like. Invite them to do something memorable if they really like you.
Avoid getting caught in the pattern
For a while, I always went out to the same bar on the corner near my house. It was great when those dates went well because I was close to my home. And if they were bad, I could leave without wasting time on the road. It was not a bad meeting strategy and the bartenders became quite friendly.
On the negative side, my mind began to sort of go into a rut. First dates usually involve a lot of the same things — the same questions, giving the same answers to those questions. I found myself driving a lot by inertia and not getting as carried away as I could in a fresher environment. If you’re meeting a new person, why not try a new meeting place? Take them somewhere where you’ve always wanted to try a special cocktail, or have an unusual dessert you’ve always seen in the window. You don’t have to make big commitments to be original and cool. It will also give you something to talk about besides how many siblings you both have.
Treat It Like It Is A Date
It may seem like a matter of course, but last night I was out with a guy who seemed to have the odd idea of calling a meeting at a bar a “date.” It seemed to him too serious a word. We hit it off on Tinder and planned to meet somewhere: what should we call it?
This is an extreme example of a general tendency I’ve noticed where people are so afraid of commitment that they can’t even acknowledge their intentions. The old forms of courtship (now there is a serious word) have not fallen out of fashion, some people will not even admit that they are in a relationship until the second child is on the way. In my opinion, a date is when two people get together to see if they can develop some kind of romantic interest in each other. It doesn’t really matter, but it’s different from just hanging out with a friend. It’s hard to achieve more if you cannot even recognize the opportunities you’re looking for in the person across from you.
Confess when you’re jaded
Even if you’re not looking for The One, a string of failed dates can tire you out. Sometimes, no matter how you plan or try to spice up fun activities, we don’t meet people we really hang out with. If you’re not good at it, admit it when it’s time to take a break. As Lord Byron wrote : “The heart must stop to breathe, and love itself will rest.” Yes, I have quoted Lord Byron.
If you are bad about dating, you probably won’t even be able to recognize that you’ve met someone wonderful. Allow yourself to do something just for you, with your friends, with your family, and remember to have fun with the right people. Then you will be more open to this kind of entertainment with a new person. After a cup of coffee.
Eme Lyutkin is a freelance writer who blogs a lot about dating . She currently travels the country and is going on a date in every city she visits.