What to Do If You and Your Partner Haven’t Had Sex in a Year

You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a woman who can’t get her soul mate to give up on merchandise. It was one dry year.

Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.

Hi, Patrick,

I have a two-year relationship and it has been a year since we had intercourse. My partner is a very busy person and under stress. Of course, my confidence dropped and I also gained a few pounds. All my friends say that I am crazy and I need to break up with him immediately, but I don’t want to.

In the beginning, I was accused of “doing it wrong” and that all the problems in our sex life were caused by me, not showing me the “right way.” Now, when this topic comes up in conversation, he replies that he is more like a “human brain” than a physical body, and I need to find a way to activate his “sex button” using only my brain. How the hell am I going to do this? Since every little trick in the book hasn’t worked, maybe you can give me some advice and let me know how to hack his brain?

I hate the fact that he pretends to be tired or asleep when he sees me about to attack him. I just can’t believe he’s mocking me … This is bullshit!

Please advise, Asexual in Seattle

Hello asexual in Seattle:

This guy sounds like a real job. Not only does he blame you for a rather serious problem, but he also refuses to show you exactly what he needs to cheer you up. And all this “pretending to sleep” is as childish as possible. This is what children do when they don’t want to take medicine or clean their room.

If he’s a “brain man” or something like that, that’s okay, but he absolutely needs to explain to you what the hell it means. Like, does he need brain teasers to get an erection? Will it help to play sudoku in negligee? Maybe we can play Strip Tetris? I mean, it could be something more, like playful teasing or adding mystique and romance to your foreplay . But if you’ve actually tried all the tricks in the book, he probably just doesn’t want to have sex with you, and that’s his lame way to get out of it. Why be honest about your feelings when you can just blame others for the problem, right?

I guess you only have one option, SiS: tell him you need to have sex a little regularly or the two of you won’t be able to. Then, when he inevitably puts the blame on you for not wearing underwear that can only be removed by solving puzzles or something else, tell him that he must definitely show you what he specifically wants. Get him to explain what “doing right” really means! If he refuses, you know what you have to do.

Perhaps this guy is asexual or has doubts about his sexuality, and if so, he needs to figure out his own life. Hell, even if it doesn’t, you have to find someone with a sex drive that is at least somewhat close to yours. You will definitely find a guy who wants to practice at least once a year.

That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY HAS BEEN REMOVED . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.


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