How to Raise Everyday Gratitude in Children
By now, we know how important it is to instill a sense of gratitude in our children – according to the book How to Get Children to Grate: The Science of Character Formation , those who practice gratitude receive higher grades, are at lower risk of depression and are more engaged in their hobbies and communities. And we are trying . In parenting, there are countless posts on how to teach children how to write thank you notes, keep a gratitude journal, throw your daily joys in the gratitude jar, and write down your blessings at the dinner table. These are all perfectly worthwhile rituals. It seems like parents do deliberately develop a sense of gratitude in their homes – or at least write about it online. As a mom, I would like to become more disciplined in this area. Who wouldn’t?
But teaching children to be grateful isn’t just sitting there for these touching gestures. It’s over. There are opportunities to teach this skill in all kinds of everyday interactions. Here’s how to help your children find more gratitude in ways that go beyond literally counting blessings:
Start modeling gratitude early. Really early.
“Thank you for letting me change your diaper. Would you mind putting your hands down so I can put on a bib for you? Thank you. “ This may sound a little silly, but writer Emily Planck uses these examples to show how mums and dads can model gratitude for even the smallest creatures. At this age, it may have more to do with shaping your own mindset and understanding that right from the start you are talking to someone who pays close attention to what you say and how you say it Show them respect and gratitude, when they grow up they will do the same for you.
Ask them to cut vegetables.
Susan Roberts, author of My Baby Eats Everything, told The Atlantic that kids today have terrible diets because they’re just being “fed.” In the past, as the article describes, “the children joined up with their families in the kitchen, helped prepare meals, set the table, cleaned the table, and washed the dishes.” Before that, they even helped catch family meals. Modern passivity has destroyed children’s awareness of what goes into the food on their plate, so how can they be grateful for that? Involve children in the entire process. Take them with you to the grocery store. Show them your budget. Ask them to chop all the vegetables. Let them know that food doesn’t come out of nowhere and is limited.
If they have lost or broken a favorite toy, do not replace it.
In this “just buy new” culture, it is easy for children to lose a sense of the value of what they have. I know that to suppress my daughter’s sobs, I said, “It’s okay, we can get another one,” but I don’t even remember which one. A dropped cookie? Elmo? If she knew that this was the only thing she got, she would be more grateful – and careful. Here is a good reminder of the book ” Becoming a minimalist” , “Children who get whatever they want, believe that they can have whatever they want.”
Role play in potentially difficult social situations
Getting kids to say “thank you” shouldn’t turn into a power struggle (more on that in the next section), but teaching them basic manners is important. This includes preparing them for situations where they might receive a gift (or food, or whatever) they don’t like. As Planck explains , “It’s unfair to expect a child to say ‘thank you’ for a gift he doesn’t need if we haven’t prepared her for the opportunity. We are raising children to be truthful. “
She gives examples of how to learn to gratefully refuse kind gestures:
Junk food: Imagine you’re at a birthday party and Stephen offers you something you don’t like. If you say, “Ugh! I do not like it! ”It might hurt his feelings, or it might hurt the feelings of other people at the table who really enjoy it. Every time you don’t want to eat what is being offered, say, “I don’t care. Thank you ”is a way to communicate what you want and not offend the chef.
Don’t let “thank you” turn into a power struggle.
It’s a difficult balance because as much as you want to hear your child thank the waiter who served her dinner, or the neighbor who took her ball, he asks like, “What are you talking about?” can cause irritation and resentment. This issue is very important to me because my 4-year-old daughter always shies away when any adult she doesn’t know tries to talk to her, even when they are doing something good. And when she doesn’t say thank you, I get angry inside. But it’s best to keep practicing and simulating gratitude rather than imposing it on children. I liked the philosophy of Larisa Kosmos, who wrote an article in the Washington Post : ” I stopped making my children say thank you, and they learned real gratitude .”
“I introduced a new habit in a situation where someone deserves gratitude: I illuminate to my children what has just happened,” writes Cosmos. “For example, I’ll say,“ Dad took the time to fix your toy instead of relaxing, ”or“ The librarian left her job at her desk to help you find this book. ” Rather than commanding words to be spoken, I aim to evoke something deeper and more meaningful – awareness. “