What to Do If You Are a Woman Struggling to Reach Orgasm
A few months ago I wrote an article for men who struggle with orgasm . I came back today to share my advice for women. Whether you’re ready to experience your first orgasm, or learn to orgasm with a partner, here’s your game plan.
A quick side note: I usually don’t like being this gender binary, but orgasm problems for people with a female body tend to be different from those with a male body.
See your doctor first
Female orgasm problems can be linked to health problems. As I wrote in my article for men, it is a good idea to make an appointment with your doctor to discuss possible medical factors. Some of the more common causes of blocking orgasms include:
- Prescription drugs. The most common culprits are antidepressants and anxiety medications, but antipsychotics, high blood pressure medications, beta blockers, and pain relievers can make orgasms difficult.
- Depression (yes, both depression and antidepressants can make it harder for you to orgasm)
- Anxiety (same thing)
- Hormonal imbalance
- Diseases of the thyroid gland
- Condition of the pituitary gland
- Problems with your nervous system
Relaxing at parties is also helpful. Drugs and alcohol make orgasms much more difficult for women (and men). In particular, the problem with alcohol. You may be tempted to have a few drinks to calm your nerves before sex (especially with new partners), but alcohol makes it surprisingly difficult to experience anything, let alone an orgasm.
Masturbate
If you want to experience your first orgasm, masturbation is the best way to find out what your body needs to do. (Note: Men tend to have trouble with orgasm due to excessive masturbation or just one specific way. Women tend to have trouble orgasm because they don’t masturbate.)
Read my article on Learning to Love Masturbation for more technique tips. Generally, direct or indirect clitoral stimulation works best for most women. In the article I linked to above, I list five specific strokes that you can try on your clitoris:
- The diagonal of your clitoris
- In a circle around the clitoris
- Up and down the clitoris or side
- Side to side, across or along the clitoris.
- In the form of a figure eight around or across the clitoris.
You can also try to trace your finger around the clitoris and surrounding areas. Try to feel the nicest part of your body.
If you can achieve orgasm on your own but are struggling to achieve it with a partner, pay more attention to how you masturbate. What specific technique are you using? What is your body responding to? What does it not react to? This is all valuable information, and I’ll describe what to do with it later.
Try a vibrator
If you’ve never had an orgasm, I recommend trying a vibrator. Vibrators can provide a level of sensation and intensity that you can never reproduce with your hands, so they can make it easier to reach orgasm.
To be clear, vibrators don’t work for everyone . I totally expect to see more than a few vibrator haters in the comments! Some people just don’t like the feeling. I This is completely normal. But they have good enough success rates to make them a worthwhile experiment. (There’s a reason sex toys are bringing in $ 15 billion a year.)
Adjust your expectations
I’ll be honest – when you’re learning to orgasm, masturbation can sometimes seem boring. You figure out what your body likes, which means you’re going to spend a lot of time doing things your body doesn’t particularly like. If you expect this to be an endless entertainment party, you will be disappointed. But if you lower the bar and try to find tricks that seem pretty good to you and not mind-blowing , you’ll be on the right track to orgasm.
You can also try to make the entire masturbation experience more fun by reading erotica, watching porn, fantasizing, wearing lingerie that makes you feel hot, or cheering yourself up by prioritizing sexual self-care. Most of us tend to be pretty lazy with our masturbation habits, even after we’ve learned to have an orgasm, so it’s important to remember that we have the ability to make it that much more enjoyable!
When it comes to orgasm itself, it’s also important to adjust your expectations. I have an online course that teaches women to masturbate, and one of the three main questions that course participants ask me: “Have I had an orgasm?” The woman will talk about her experience, and I can tell even from the computer screen that she really had an orgasm. The problem is, she expected the experience to be different, so she doubted (or even completely wrote off) her orgasm.
When you first learn how to have an orgasm, your orgasms will not be as intense. Women expect fireworks and earthquakes for the first time, so they don’t notice the more subtle reactions of their bodies. In the meantime, imagine that your orgasm will be a little more pleasant than what you have felt while masturbating so far. Later, you will learn how to make them stronger.
Examine your blockages
For the vast majority of women with whom I have worked, the inability to achieve orgasm boiled down to the fact that they never paid due attention to masturbation. If you take the time and effort to develop a solid masturbation routine, you will learn how to have an orgasm.
However, you can spend some time thinking about specific fears or obstacles you may have. Do you feel guilty or ashamed for touching your body? Is it difficult for you to let your partner focus on you? Are you an overly perfectionist in every area of your life, including orgasm? Try to identify the specific obstacles you face.
I like to introduce my clients to what I call polite scare away. Do you know when you’re at a party and you see someone you really don’t want to see? Yes, you can turn around and run right out of the party, or you can politely say hello or wave to them and then quickly shift your focus elsewhere to keep them from coming towards you. You acknowledge them, but do not pay extra attention to them. You can do the same with your negative beliefs about masturbation and orgasm. Admit that you have faith in yourself, and then try to turn your attention to something more positive, such as one of your goals – learning to have an orgasm.
Teach Your Partner What You Like
If you can have an orgasm on your own but are struggling to achieve it with your partner, this is likely due to one of two reasons:
- You haven’t shown your partner what you like.
- You will not let your partner focus on you.
Above, I recommended that you pay more attention to what you do when you masturbate. This is valuable information to share with your partners. Tell or show them what you like and then allow yourself to get that time and attention from your partner.
Remember, it’s okay to have needs! Many of us feel that we should not need any attention or stimulation from our partners. But why bother having sex at all if you’re not going to allow yourself to have sex that is pleasing to your body?
In your quest to learn how to orgasm, remember that orgasms are not everything. This is not the only way your body feels pleasure, nor is it the only reason to be intimate with yourself or your partner.