How to Schedule Sex and Still Enjoy It
The phrase “scheduled sex” is terrifying to most couples. We have the idea that sex should always be spontaneous, so making a sex planning decision feels like an admission that your sex life is officially dead. But planned sex is actually a lot more fun than you think. Here’s how.
Have sex on a schedule
Infinitely spontaneous sex is the dream of most couples, but the reality is that it tends not to be sustainable in the long run. When you meet a new person, you are ready to make incredible sacrifices in your life to make room for that person. Time passes, life is catching up. Most of us are so busy that we don’t have time to spontaneously read a book, much less have sex spontaneously. For many couples, scheduling sex is the only way to make sure they are actually having sex. Yes, it’s sad to realize how difficult it is to make room for sex. It’s okay to mourn your old sex life, but don’t let that stop you from creating your new sex life.
Scheduling sex helps on a logistical level, but it is much more than just setting aside an hour on your calendar. This is a way to show you and your partner that you value your sex life. We plan what is important to us. Why does sex have to be different?
And keep in mind that scheduling sex does not mean that you will never have spontaneous sex again. In fact, many people planning sex end up having more spontaneous sex than they used to.
Decide Which Schedule Is Right For Your Life
You can make scheduling sex more personal – and more exciting – if you and your partner talk about the type of schedule that usually works for other activities in your life. If you’re on too much of a schedule, the detail-oriented parts of your brain may happily sit at the start of the month and schedule specific time blocks for intimacy. If you like consistency, you can agree that Friday is always your day to do it. If your schedule is constantly changing, I recommend scheduling sex dates one at a time.
You can talk about your schedule right after you just had sex. This is the perfect time to plan as you ride into the peak of your last rendezvous.
Agree to the bare minimum
One of the problems with scheduled sex is that you may not be in the mood when your sexual date is approaching. This is why I recommend that couples make a “minimum” deal. Pick one activity that feels completely manageable to you. It can be something like masturbating side by side or hugging together naked. When you are having a sexual date, you are agreeing to a minimum of a certain amount of action. If you want to do more, that’s great! Otherwise, you will still be able to connect.
Alternatively, you can agree to give each other a certain number of free passes per month, and you can skip the sex date without any questions.
Treat it like a date
It’s important to remember that sex was not always spontaneous, even in these exciting early stages. When you meet a new person, you plan sex anyway, just in a different way. You date each other and you may know in advance, days or even weeks in advance, that you are likely to end up in their pants. Having a date on the calendar actually creates an incredibly sensual expectation.
You can return this pending item. Prepare for each other as you did before your date. Fantasize about a date during the day. Send flirty texts or emails. Do what you did before to keep yourself entertained.
Turn it into a game
For some reason, people equate scheduled sex with boring sex. But it definitely shouldn’t be! Here’s a simple idea: cut a bunch of squares of paper and write down some of your favorite sexual activities or experiences. For example, sex positions, toys, role-playing scenarios, and so on. You can also include things you’ve never tried before, but that interested you. Fold all the sheets and put them in the jar. On the morning of your sexual date, pick one at random. Then you will have all day to plan and anticipate it. Or you can make your choice at the very moment for a sexual surprise.
You can also play around with gamification. Agree with your partner that if you guys stick to all of your dates for the month, you will indulge in a good dinner.
Try different activities
Another fun way to play is to change your usual sexual repertoire. If you tend to use intercourse by default, try creating a themed date where intercourse is not discussed. You can even create themed days such as oral sex on Thursdays or mutual masturbation on Saturdays.
Take turns to be in charge
Take turns taking the lead on sex dates. Ask your partner what conditions he would like to create for the sex to be enjoyable. Maybe they need the bedroom to be clean, the kids sleep, or 20 minutes of foreplay. When it’s your turn to take charge, do your best to keep all of these elements in place. You can also customize the mood however you like, such as by playing your favorite music or sending teasing messages to your partner. Taking turns doing this will help each of you feel cared for and tempted.
Plan time for non-sexual relationships too.
Another way to get used to scheduling sex is to plan more proactively non-sex time with your partner. Schedule dates, new activities, or just some time alone. It really helps to get the message across that you are planning time with your partner because you value them, not because they are just another to-do list.
Thank each other
To have an active sex life, you need to work hard! It is important for you and your partner to acknowledge and thank each other for this work. After each sexual encounter, take a few minutes to thank your partner for making the effort with you. Be specific about how you felt during this effort. For example: “I feel so close to you when we carve out for each other this time.” We all love it when our efforts are recognized and approved. Plus, taking the time to thank each other can help you realize that you are working together as a team to create the sex life you both want.