How to Tell Your Losing Friend You Don’t Want to Hang Out Anymore

You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a drinking companion who sat through her hospitality, an offended wife who does not know how to forgive her cheating husband, and a young stubborn man who is too eager for his own good.

Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.

Hi, Patrick,

I had a roommate in my hometown 10 years ago. It didn’t end well. She’s a real bum, she has NO problem asking for anything and was a shitty roommate (nasty, dirty, etc.). Maybe after a year we settled the relationship and became friends again. We didn’t hang out often, but sometimes we would say, “Hey everyone, I’m going to [block] tonight,” and she was one of those people.

Fast forward and I’ve been living in my new city for over 5 years. She came here to visit a guy she met online, but this guy didn’t work out. Nevertheless, she loved this city so much that she decided to move here. In fact, when she came to look at the apartments a few months later, she asked a month in advance if she could run into me. I told her that I was not comfortable with guests at my house. The night before coming here, she told me that her Airbnb had failed and asked again – I said no.

I constantly have to say no to defend my boundaries, which is exhausting and anxiety-provoking. I tell her that I am very busy, and besides, I am starting a new relationship, so I spend a lot of time with this person. She has no other occupation besides walking and drinking. Almost every other day she writes: “ Hello, lady! Let me know if you’d like to chat sometime soon / this week / etc! But I do not know. I have my own circle of friends, and I do not want her to be part of this circle of friends. Does this sound selfish? I don’t think she’ll really get to know many of them anyway, and all she wants is to go out to eat or drink. I don’t hang out in bars all the time anymore.

I don’t want to exclude her entirely because I really enjoy spending time with her. But I really have to be prepared for this, and usually I don’t. I’m kind of sorry that she is lonely, but I didn’t promise her anything. How can I move on?

Thank you,

I don’t wanna be a jerk, but I don’t wanna hang out

Hey Not-a-Dick (sorry, can’t pronounce your full name):

This person is not your friend. At best, this is the “drinking companion” with whom you are trapped in the apartment. I’ll get to your issue in a second, but first, let me tell you what a drinking companion is for home viewers.

Companion:

• He always says something like: “Let’s talk!” but when you ask what they mean, they always say, “Let’s have a drink somewhere!” If you suggest anything else, they will always find a way to make drinking a part of their plan.
• It’s just fun to be around when you’re drunk yourself.
• It won’t be easy if you don’t want to go to a bar or restaurant armed with spirits.
• Shouts something like “Norm!” when you walk into a bar, they often come, even if it’s not your name.

Buddy relationship different from the real friendships, because in fact you do not so much like each other. When you become “friends,” it’s really just a matter of mutual intoxication, and from here everything blooms. When you drink with this person, you are having a good time, but outside of this environment it washes away. There is nothing genuine about it, even if it seems to be so.

Back to your problem: you have since moved on and grown out of the “partying” phase. You’re lucky. She does not, and, apparently, not soon. This means that your only connection with this person – drinking – no longer matters. Now she’s just a former roommate. You are clearly not interested in communicating with her, so it’s time to clarify that. You are right, her happiness and loneliness are not your responsibility. And honestly, hanging out with someone out of pity for them is bad. As far as we know, she thinks you are her best friend and has no idea that you don’t like her very much .

You don’t want to completely “cut it out”, but you do. For myself and for her. And it should be a clean cut. When she texts you to chat, just keep saying, “ No thanks! Until she gets the hint. You don’t need to feel bad about not doing what you don’t want to do, Not Dick. If she doesn’t stop or gets in need, treat her like a bad online date and a ghost. Normally I would not suggest this , but this person is poisonous and pisses you off. Cope with.

I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years. I have been by his side throughout his career in the navy. All deployments and departures were tough, but we got through it. We communicate as if we are one and the same person, just different genders. This is amazing and he is my best friend. He’s the only guy I’ve ever trusted 100%.

But during one of his business trips, I found out that he was cheating, and now I do not feel this connection as well as I once did. And he will never tell me either. I heard it through the vine and asked him about it and he confessed. I didn’t talk to him for about a month, I couldn’t even say “hello” when he returned from work, that is, I didn’t burst into tears. It passed and we hung out and had fun together, but I couldn’t get close to him.

I decided to forgive him, or rather, to try to forgive him. But this is more difficult than I could imagine. He is the last person I ever thought would hurt me. So should I just run away? Is it worth pulling this out and trying to fix it? Do you think I can ever just let it go and be close to him again?

Thank you for your advice!

Confused wife

Hey confused wifey:

A Pinterest sage once told me that trust is like a glass. Once broken, it breaks down into a million pieces. You can try to put it back together, but it will never look the way it once did …

This is silly.

Don’t run away, confused little wife. Life is complicated and confusing, but don’t let it overwhelm you. What your husband has done is undoubtedly offensive and unforgivable. But just because the illusion of your fairytale romance has dissipated, this does not mean that true love – one that lasts through all the subtleties – should disappear. Before everything was perfect, but now it is not. This is how real life stories unfold. There is no magic, there is no happily ever after; there is simply love. You decide for yourself if there is still love. It’s up to you if the story continues. You have every right to feel the same as you do, but it seems to me that you want to fight. So I think you should fight, confused wifey.

Now, since I’m not an expert in this area and this is a serious topic, I’m going to share with you some tips from Lifehacker author Vanessa Marin, a licensed marriage therapist . She recommends that you first find out all the facts about infidelity (without bloody details). Was this a one-off event? Was it purely physical? Did it just happen or was he looking for it? Motivation is important. Knowing these things can help you make a decision.

Give yourself time to take care of yourself. It looks like you’ve been doing this, but keep doing it if you need to. Also make sure he knows how bad it is. He needs to know. Your sex life will be different for a long time. Wait until you feel ready, and even then, Marin recommends “focus on reconnecting with a simple touch.” Drive slowly, take your time, and if you need to stop, stop.

At the end of the day, Confused Wifey, you ‘ll have to completely forgive him if you want to get past this. If you never see yourself doing this, maybe that’s all she wrote. But don’t rush to that conclusion. Finally, go for a couples consultation . I highly recommend talking to a professional who can help both of you deal with this.

Dear Patrick,

Earlier this year, I took a new job at a street company website. Ideally, this would be my dream job, but the benefits just suck. The salary is the same as when I worked in a retail sales floor and in the first year I did not have a vacation (I know this is “standard”, but it was a real shock for me).

When I got the job, I was getting an entry-level salary due to my “lack of experience with the .com domain.” However, I have three years of retail experience, two of which have held leadership or management positions, not to mention my college major was / remains a commercial recreational area. But I didn’t bother, as I was told that with the growth of the position, the position has the opportunity to grow into a solid salary.

It has been almost six months since I took this position and I became competent and confident in my job and even took on more tasks and responsibilities. I feel like I am ready to move from the entry-level salary to at least the intermediate level. I did my research and found that I was making about $ 14,000 per year less than the average salary for my position in my area, and $ 13,000 less per year than the national average. I know the average is the average, but I still make about $ 10,000 a year less than my estimated value at Glassdoor. I’m lucky that I have no debt or student loans to worry about paying off, but it does affect what I could save for the future and my 401k when I’m eligible.

The problem is, my boss is also my uncle, and he is the hardest working person I have ever seen. I also know that .com is essentially a five-year startup and not yet profitable, even though brick-and-mortar stores are doing well. I applied for a second part-time job just to hoard my savings and have fun, but it upsets me to think my full-time job doesn’t pay me. But then again, I didn’t take this job because of the money. I took it because I wanted to write my resume, learn new skills and not work on holidays and weekends. I just assumed the money would follow.

I am guessing that my question / advice I need is, how can I ask for a raise or increase in compensation without counting my eligibility? Can you ask for this in just 6 months? What is an acceptable figure you can ask for? I have calculated some numbers and I think that even a $ 6,000 increase a year will make me happy.

Best regards, working on weekends

Hi, working on weekends:

It’s too early to ask for a raise, buddy. Sorry. But let’s find out the facts for everyone else, shall we?

• You basically work your dreams right out of college. Or maybe I’m still in college because of the comment “My major was / is”?
• You get entry-level pay for being at the entry-level . You have no experience in this area.
• You have been told that your position and salary will increase.
• You’ve only been there for six months. SIX MONTHS.
• You have no student loans or debts.
• Your uncle gave you a job. He did. Yes, he did it . I know that you are now arguing with me in your head, but he did it.
• You know they have no money to give you.
• And you admit that you took the job not because of money, but because of experience.

You see it all, right?

WftW, you assumed the money would follow, but it didn’t. But it can still – you just need to be patient. Damn, dude, it’s only been six months! You only have a few months until the “let’s see how he is” stage. It sounds like you’re a good employee and all, and it’s great that you’re so eager to get yours and plan ahead. Right to. But you can’t ask for a raise right now, WftW. Do not do this. There is absolutely no way for you to ask for a raise without being eligible. Honestly, you already have the right to raise this issue.

However, after one year has passed, it is wise to knock on your boss’s door . But when you bring it up, you have to support it . Show them why you deserve a promotion by referring to your work ethic, measurable results, and the pay research you’ve already done. Your uncle is a hard worker; show him that you are too. And let them know that they can’t cheat you by lowering your salary. Remember, they are not your friends . In terms of how much you can ask for, usually 5% is on average without getting a full-fledged promotion. But since this is your uncle, take him for everything he has and squeeze out 10%.

No Quickies this week! If you have any short questions you want to answer, let me know in the comments below or tweet me with #ToughLove !

That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.

Update: There was a wrong rise in averages and numbers. Corrected in the text above.

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