How to Establish an Open Relationship
I fell in love with a woman I had a transatlantic romance with when she told me about her expectations for our growing relationship. In particular, Annie wanted our relationship to be open, which meant that each of us had the opportunity to see other people. I, on the other hand, wanted to keep the girl of my dreams for myself forever, and I was slightly sick of what she was offering.
I was faced with a dilemma: double down on my long-standing monogamous position and risk losing it, or bravely go along with her plan and risk going insane as she moved from one date to the next. Or use the third method: make it work in a way that is satisfying to both of us. Here are some of the things we came up with to make it work (our open relationship turned into an open marriage). If you are thinking about opening up existing relationships or opening up to future ones, consider applying them too.
Slow down your throw
During the same transatlantic phone call in which Annie said she wanted to try a non-monogamous relationship, I suggested a six-month period during which I would do whatever it took to answer her call and do the job for both of us. I knew that if we hit the road, our romance would quickly collapse.
For an open relationship to have any chance of success, it is imperative that both of you are fully involved in the venture when it’s time to really start dating other people. If you don’t do this and continue to move forward, everything is almost certainly doomed to fail. Of course, it’s not uncommon for one person to be more enthusiastic about the prospect of openness than Annie. But pause for an agreed amount of time and letting the less energetic partner feel more comfortable is likely to increase your chances of success if you decide to give it a try. So take your time, explore your feelings and use your words.
Set boundaries
When you start to open up, you have to imagine how you might feel in different situations, which, in my opinion, is a worthwhile mental exercise for everyone.
Almost all relationships have agreed boundaries. The key borderline of a monogamous relationship is, of course, not fucking anyone else. Indeed, in some traditional wedding ceremonies, brides and grooms vow to “leave everyone else.”
Being open means thinking up in your own language what is good and what is not. You will notice that I am using the word “boundaries” and not “rules.” Open Relations Coach Effie Blue says that boundaries are about the autonomy of your own decisions, whereas rules are about authority over the decisions of others.
One of the boundary agreements that came from my conversation with Annie at the kitchen table was that we both practice flawless condom use with other partners. It was primarily a health decision, but condom use also made our relationship a top priority as we set out on our adventure. We have also agreed that we will not have sex with our friends, that we can only have sex with other people once, and we have agreed on the level of detail we prefer for each other’s solo adventures. She wanted broad strokes, I preferred blow after blow.
Your relationship is likely to evolve over time, so you should also rethink boundaries together if and when they start to seem too shy, too loose, or inappropriate. However, to keep everyone in mind of what was agreed upon, you can even write down the boundaries in some form to make it easier for them to remain accountable.
Don’t do it alone
Blue says a community of open people can provide a network of support, understanding, advice, camaraderie, space for judgment and verification. “An open relationship can feel isolated,” she explains. “Especially if you are unable to be open with your friends and family, or if they do not understand or support you.” Blue encourages you to connect with other open-minded people, tell them about their experiences and learn about their journey.
Annie and I were lucky to have friends, Charlie and Kiki, as inspiration. The couple had been in an open relationship for seven years and were the only example of a functional, loving, sexually open relationship that we have had our own experience. At the same time, we knew we didn’t want to copy their agreed protocol: Charlie could see other women with and without Kiki. Kiki could see other women as well, but not men. From the very beginning, we knew that we wanted to be equal and have the same expectations from each other.
If you do not know anyone who is in an open relationship, Meetup.com – a great platform to find and communicate with the community in the vicinity of you personally “, – says Blue. “Facebook has a lot of public and private groups that you can join and there is a polyamorous subreddit . If you’re a pervert, fetlife (think: Facebook is for kinksters) has great groups and event lists. Start by looking for ‘open relationships’, ‘polyamory’ and / or ‘non-monogamy’.
Resist the urge to compare
If I had met Annie a year or two earlier, her open relationship proposal would have made me pull myself together, but at 30, when we got together, I felt more comfortable in my skin than ever. I felt confident in my career, handled my body freely and realized my unique appeal. This meant that I was less compelled to compare myself to the men she saw, who were at least two, and sometimes all of the following: tall, handsome, smart, successful, incredibly rich.
There are many things I have done to build self-esteem in an open relationship and marriage that could help you, including positive self-talk; focusing on what you like about yourself and is unique to you; the exercise; spend more time doing what you enjoy: learning a new skill; pursuing a new passion and yes, meeting new people.
Explore Lingo
Like kitesurfing or breeding ferrets, openness has its own jargon. As I got used to the idea of openness, I learned some terminology. One of the first things I learned was that there are many ways to be open, which is a general term for everyone.
You can be monogamous , which means that you and your partner agree that some degree of sexual activity outside of a relationship is acceptable. There is polyamory (literally, a lot of love), which means that you and your partner can have a romantic relationship, not just physically. Swing usually means that couples, by mutual agreement, exchange partners for sexual play. There are many other ways that people agree to do this. Annie and I decided monogamy was for us.
Another new word I learned was compassion . It is often defined as the positive feeling you get when your partner is enjoying another relationship. You can find, like me, an unimaginable ability to comper. On the other hand, you may find that in reality your closest person plays too much with the cute bartender when it comes down to it.
How to deal with jealousy
One of the first things people want to know about open relationships is how people deal with the feelings of jealousy that can arise when someone other than you happily cheats on your partner. According to Blue, there are two types: dispositional jealousy – which means that feeling some degree of jealousy is an integral part of your personality; and occasional jealousy – which means that certain actions or dynamics tend to generate jealousy as they occur. “The first is a character trait,” she explains. “If you are a [dispositionally] jealous person, you might want to rethink non-monogamy. We run the second. “
Dispositional jealousy always got in the way of thinking about being open in my 20s, but by the time I turned to the big three and found a partner I loved, that emotion was starting to leave me. As I mentioned above, I dealt with my occasional jealousy by boosting my self-esteem, experiencing and cultivating compassion, and yes, having my own adventures. It also helped that I was turned on by the idea of my wife having sex outside of our marriage.
Annie changed my mind about openness. Then, seven years after our marriage, she decided that she wanted to return to monogamy, and subsequently we parted. In the two years that have passed since then, I have met several people, some quite seriously, with the understanding that we have always had the opportunity to see other people. Taking some of the takeaways from my first foray into non-monogamy didn’t mean it was always smooth, but I found that looking at the above list helps to minimize mental anguish while enjoying a lifestyle that, if it’s a good fit, can change your perception of yourself and the surrounding world.