How to Realize You’re a Narcissistic Ass – and Stop
In the fullness of a has its advantages , but when your tape in Instagram – it is nothing like selfie without a shirt, you probably went too far. If you (or someone you know) are more solipsistic than empathetic, there is still hope. Here’s how to overcome yourself and build truly important relationships.
Does this look like you?
There is a fine line between confidence and selfishness. Going too far, this ego bloats, and selfishness ultimately destroys relationships with others and with oneself. The narcissist quickly succumbs to the “it’s all about me ” idea. Do you take criticism badly? Are you in charge of every conversation? Do you blame others without paying attention to what you did wrong? Then you probably have some kind of narcissistic traits.
When everything is about you, it is almost impossible to accept criticism, have meaningful conversation, or practice any kind of self-reflection . In short, it’s easy to become a narcissistic bum without even realizing it.
There is certainly an extreme here associated with true mental illness, narcissistic personality disorder , which requires far more help than a blog post can provide. But for those of us who exhibit only a few of these self-centered traits, there is hope. As usual with such things, it is about recognizing these traits in yourself, which is difficult, and then about carefully studying them. If you’re not sure if you have narcissistic traits or not, this Psych Central quiz might help you figure it out (whatever the cost, I scored 19 , which seems to fall somewhere between celebrities and real daffodils.).
You always blame others, not yourself.
If your main concern is you, you will not take criticism very well. You will be easily offended both at work and in relationships. You take each criticism personally and try to push it away, thinking you can’t do anything wrong (but somehow everyone else does it). You will blame other people, not yourself , making it even more difficult to criticize. This causes all sorts of obvious problems, but 99u solves one problem you might not think about:
When you put your sense of self over work, you run the risk of compromising. Collaboration also becomes more difficult because others get tired of walking on eggshells. You should let go of the tendency to take offense easily and instead take the opportunity that disagreements or contradictory information presents to hone your thoughts and skills.
In short, if you cannot handle criticism, you are difficult to work with. If you find it difficult to admit that you are wrong, no one wants to work with you or challenge you. When you are not challenged, you will not get better or create anything new. It is a cycle that quickly stops personal growth. We’ve talked a lot in the past about accepting criticism , but when you get involved in yourself, you tend to ignore that feedback and attack the person criticizing you. It is really difficult for everyone to read criticism, but after hearing it for the first time, take a second pass and try to extract what you can do to improve. Highlight whatever you take personally and you may be surprised at how much you actually agree.
You talk about yourself more than you ask questions.
We all know asking questions is one of the best ways to end small talk, but narcissists would rather talk about their own accomplishments. If you’ve ever talked to someone who only talks about themselves, you know exactly how frustrating it is. So force yourself to ask more questions during your conversation. It doesn’t matter what they’re about, but take your mind off yourself. It is also important how you ask these questions. The art of masculinity describes the differences between what they call shift response and support response :
Support-response keeps the focus on the speaker and on the topic he or she presented. The shift reaction tries to set the stage for the other person to change the subject and turn their attention back to themselves. Let’s see an example of the difference between the two:
Support-answer
James: I’m considering buying a new car. Rob: Oh yeah? What models did you watch?
Shift response
James: I’m considering buying a new car. Rob: Oh yeah? I am also thinking about buying a new car. James: Really? Rob: Yeah, yesterday I was just testing the Mustang and it was amazing.
In response to support, you hold onto them. In the shift response, you return it to you. This is a subtle thing that you may not notice, but if you keep an eye on it and frame your questions appropriately. It is easy enough to stop. Likewise, pay attention to your background confirmations – those that are yes, yes, and of course – and make sure you make them during the appropriate pauses in the conversation. If not, it will seem like you are not listening, making it difficult to continue the conversation.
From this point on, it’s about listening, not dominating the conversation . Consider this a problem. If you can spend five minutes in a conversation without talking about yourself, your own experiences, or any other random moments about yourself, you win. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about yourself, but hopefully you can hold back your bragging enough so that you don’t annoy everyone around you.
You lack empathy
When you are narcissistic, you lack empathy. You only think about what you need, how you can get what you want, and what feelings make you feel. Without this ability to understand others, it will be difficult for you in most social relationships. As we noted at the beginning of this article, there are not so many magic tools that can help you overcome yourself. It takes work, and chances are, no matter how hard you try, you always think of yourself first. Psychology Today invites you to forgo these superb traits:
Narcissism can be a daunting task, but the first step is to be willing to notice and even acknowledge when a person has these traits. People cannot always control their thinking, but they can control their attitude towards themselves and others. By acting kindly towards others and by refusing to demonstrate superior attitudes or a tendency to humiliate them, people can confront these offensive traits in themselves. They can also be more compassionate towards themselves if they do not meet idealized standards of perfection and righteousness.
Your first reaction may be a static trait, but you may change as you react. As we pointed out earlier , empathy can be learned . It’s all about paying more attention to the world, taking into account other points of view, and suppressing this standard egocentric response. Over time, this initial reaction dies down and is easier to ignore. In Signal versus Noise, Jason Freed talks about taking five minutes to grasp an idea before responding. This will curb the narcissistic knee jerk response and give you a little more time to sit down with a new idea. Take time to really think about it and try to understand where the other person is coming from. It takes work, but the more you look at the world from different angles, the lower your pedestal becomes.