Four Ways to Make Difficult, Serious Conversations More Productive
Difficult conversations – whether with friends, family, or spouses – are difficult enough if one wrong step doesn’t turn them into a full blown altercation. Here are four ways to make them productive, not explosive.
“Align and edit” your thoughts
Psychologist John Gottman is a relationship expert who helps people communicate potentially volatile topics and ideas in a constructive way. He offers two techniques called alignment and editing to refine your ideas more closely.
The person with whom you are trying to communicate may know you well, but he is not a psychic. Leveling up simply means sharing your point of view. It helps add context and brings you both closer together. An easy way to level up is to start a sentence with the phrase “I feel …”. It also ensures that you don’t start by blaming or blaming the other person for something.
Not everything that comes to your mind has to come from your mouth. It can be tempting to say exactly what is on your mind, but in many cases it can hurt the conversation or, at best, be useless. Edit your thoughts. Remove from your ideas those parts that can only offend or upset, and limit your expression to conversation (for example, do not give other arguments).
Write your ideas
When you write down your ideas, you can better separate your emotions and explore them from a different perspective. Through all this reflection, you will be able to better convey your ideas and express them to someone else.
Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos forces his team to write six-page meeting memos to better communicate complex ideas. The idea is that no one can write six pages of something without thinking it over carefully.
You may not be able to apply this technique in absolutely every situation. However, when you are processing thoughts or feelings, it is sometimes helpful to write them down and really reflect. You might even want to keep a journal to see how you have felt in the past and to see if there are any patterns or ways in which you have resolved those emotions.
Confirm the other person’s thoughts
Expressing yourself is only part of the equation. Constructive conversations are two-way streets. Thus, you need to listen carefully to what the other person is saying . Acknowledge their thoughts so the other person knows that they are not speaking for no reason or out of their own pocket.
Likewise, when you speak, consider your point of view as opposed to their point of view. If it’s too far away, temper your point of view to make it clearer.
When in doubt, slow down
When you feel hot, stop for a few seconds. Listen carefully to what the conversation is about – what the two of you (or more) are talking about, what the conversation is about, and whether you can formulate your thoughts in a more constructive way. Here are four common mistakes you and the people you are talking to can make.
There are many ways to slow down a conversation. Writer and marketer Mauricio Estrella offers a simple technique – turn away from each other and continue the conversation:
Right. Continue from where you left. With the same energy. Just imagine that you are still looking at the other person as if nothing has changed and watch the magic happen.
It always helps to complete the discussion after a couple of minutes. Thanks to this method, we learned a lot about ourselves and about each other. And captured countless moments of angry body language and words sweeping between the walls of our home.
As soon as you see that the conversation becomes unconstructive, you can use Estrella’s technique (or another) to get back on a constructive path.
Conversation is an art. It’s important to slow down in order to add context and articulate your thoughts. Write down your ideas so you can think them through more clearly before talking about them. Listen carefully and confirm other people’s thoughts. Avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and evasion. When the conversation becomes unpleasant and unconstructive, offer to return to the original topic.