How to Answer Your Family’s Annual Holiday Inquisition on Why You Don’t Have Children
In a sketch of the final episode of Saturday Night Live, a pair of mature women (played by Edie Bryant and Kate McKinnon) filmed a HomeGoods commercial that required them to talk about what they wanted for Christmas.
They’re pulling the usual “oh nothing, don’t get in trouble” until the ad director Casey HomeGoods (as Mr. Paul Rudd) finally persuades them to reveal their real answer to the question: “Grandchildren.” These ladies want grandchildren for Christmas only from their children of reproductive age.
While this sketch was fun, it was too close to home for people who were asked questions by family members about their lack of children. And, depending on the individual circumstances of the person, this inquisition can be anything from annoying and embarrassing to infuriating and downright insulting – especially for those who sincerely want to become parents, but for various reasons cannot do it.
If you are tempted to ask another person about their reproductive choices, plans, or concerns: don’t do it . Just don’t. Nobody owes you this information, including / especially at the dinner table on a holiday.
If you’re the one interrogating, here are some strategies for responding to these questions you need when they come up when collecting family vacations.
Please inform them that this topic is closed.
First of all, you should know that you are not required to disclose information on this or any other topic if you do not want to. But if you find it easier to say something in response to your family members’ questions to get them to stop, you can kindly let them know that your reproductive / parenting situation is non-negotiable. If the questions continue, you can get up and leave, or change the subject knowing you’ve already answered.
Turn to humor
Ah, humor: a classic survival mechanism. Depending on the dynamics of your family, this may be your fastest way out of a conversation. For example, when someone asks Israel Godette why he does not have children yet, he usually replies: “As soon as I understand how to do this. Any recommendations? “In a previous interview with Lifehacker, he said that for them, as half of the couple with fertility issues, this is the best way to” add humor and politely answer this sensitive and painful question. “
But what if you’re not a particularly funny or quick-witted person? According to My So-Called Selfish Life ‘s Guide to Survival on Vacation Without Children (a new documentary about people of their choice without children), you can always ask your funniest friends for ideas.
Let them know that your position has not changed since their last request.
When family members (or anyone else, for that matter) have already asked you about your reproductive plans / situation and you have already given them an answer, just let them know that your plans and / or situation has not changed. And yes: it also matters if you told them beforehand that you didn’t want to discuss the topic.
Of course, you didn’t owe them any answer the first time they asked, and you don’t do it now, but sometimes it’s enough to give an answer. Or they will have enough self-awareness to drop the topic and move on.
If you’d like to learn more about why people feel the need (and think it’s appropriate) to ask others about their missing children, this 2020 Lifehacker article takes a deeper dive into the topic, including additional answers to the dire question.