How to Offer Advice Without Making Someone Hate You
As humans, we hate feeling helpless, so when we see someone struggling with something, our instinctive response might be to offer them some advice. We also use this tactic when communicating with someone who has experienced some kind of loss. It’s hard to know what to say in situations like this, and “I’m sorry you’re going through this” may not seem like enough (but it usually is). And then unsolicited advice begins to come in. It almost always comes from good sources, but for some people, unsolicited advice is enough to plunge them into a spiral of anger. Here’s why and how to offer your input to others without making them hate you.
Why can unwanted advice be so annoying?
Let’s say you have a chronic illness. Of course , you’ve already tried everything you can to make yourself feel better. So when someone says, “Have you tried [insert medicine]?” or “Have you thought about doing [insert anything related to the treatment and / or management of this disease]?” it can be incredibly frustrating. You know they are trying to help, but all you hear is “obviously you are not smart enough to take care of yourself and do a simple Google search for treatment.”
If you are someone who cannot help, but offers your two cents, but at the same time remembers that not everyone is open and ready to hear them, you may wonder how to offer your advice in a way that is really useful and helpful. not annoying. While there is no surefire way to do this — and every situation and relationship is different — Elizabeth Bernstein, who writes the Wall Street Journal column on Connections: On Relations , has a few suggestions.
Follow 3 like
In a recent column, Bernstein recommends using “3 As” (to assess, ask, adapt) to determine whether to offer unwanted advice in a given situation. Here’s how to do it.
Evaluate
Before you even think about giving someone unsolicited advice, Bernstein says you should start by assessing your feedback style. This includes talking to someone you know and trust well and who has received your feedback. Ask their feedback on how you provide feedback. Maybe you do it so often that people just don’t pay attention to you. Or maybe your feedback seems passive-aggressive. The point here is that you must first evaluate and explore your own approach to providing people with (what you think) useful information.
Ask
If you’re dealing with someone who hasn’t listened to your advice before, Bernstein suggests asking them what you’re doing wrong . What exactly is it about your advice or feedback that makes them scream? Are they the type of person who hates all unwanted advice under any circumstance, or are there certain aspects of your advice that they find particularly problematic? Ask the person for their advice on how to approach these conversations moving forward.
Regulate
Once you understand the problem, adjust your approach. Remember that even with the best of intentions, unsolicited advice can come across as criticism, Bernstein says, so pay attention not only to your words, but also to your tone and manner of presentation. She also points to recent research that has shown that people are more likely to be receptive to advice or feedback if they focus on what they should do in the future, rather than what they did wrong in the past. In other words, choose words, tone, and framing carefully.