How to Stop Raising Kids From a Helicopter

If the pandemic has turned you into a helicopter parent, you can hardly be blamed. If you weren’t a couch potato for very young children before COVID, chances are your life was structured in such a way that each family member had some semblance of life outside the home. But now we have nothing but time to hover above our kids, tracking their every move, from what and when they eat, to who they talk to, and how they act during Zoom.

If you start to feel like it’s time to step back a little – but you don’t know how to do it because they’ll work right there all day across the room – I have a few ideas to help you start relaxing.

First: a reminder of parenting in a helicopter

Given that there are so many shortcuts to parenting styles right now, it might be helpful to remember a little. Parenting with a helicopter is what it’s like – hovering (literally or figuratively) over your children in overprotection and control. It is at the opposite end of the spectrum from free parenting , which is about raising independent children who experience the natural consequences of their actions.

Parenting with the help of a helicopter is the answers to the questions of children, which can be answered on their own. It is mediating disagreements between them and their friends when they are old enough to do it on their own. The coach is required for your child to become a starter pitcher. This is an attempt to pull the strings to get them to go to college or a program that they were not accepted into on their own merits.

Parenting with a helicopter can be well-intentioned. (You don’t want them to get hurt! You want them to be successful! You think they deserve a better position in the team!) But this can backfire and lead to lower self-esteem and self-confidence in children. and experience more cases of anxiety or depression.

Kate Bayless writes for parents :

Parenting most often refers to parents helping high school or college students with tasks they can do alone (such as calling a professor about poor grades, scheduling class, managing exercise habits). But really, helicopter education can be applied at any age.

“As a child, a helicopter parent can constantly monitor the child, always playing with him and directing his behavior, preventing him from being left alone,” says [licensed psychologist] Dr. [Ann] Dunnewold. In elementary school, helicopter parents may provide a specific teacher or coach for their child, select friends and activities for the child, or provide disproportionate assistance with homework and school projects.

Beware of actually freezing

Figurative hovering can often manifest itself as literal hovering. If you find yourself lingering at your child’s desk as they enter a Google classroom or submit assignments – and they didn’t really ask for your help – take a backup. Make the assumption that the teacher is in control, and remember that never before (and hopefully never again) will a parent have such a close look at their child’s education in real time.

If they need your help, help them at all costs. But if you’re logging into Zoom for them or filling out their attendance form when they are either perfectly capable of doing so or must make a mistake themselves to figure out how to fix it, sit down. Or leave the room completely if the urge is too strong.

Have a hobby

I don’t want this to sound frivolous; you don’t need another person to tell you that the pandemic is the perfect opportunity to finally learn how to play the banjo that collects dust under your bed. But you probably used to have a lot longer before you all went to hell. You went to the gym and your book club, you went to coffee with friends, happy hour with coworkers, and dates with your partner. Unless it happens outside and at a social distance, for the most part it is probably not an option right now, but try to find substitutes for what you love to do that makes you feel human.

If you feel like you spend most of the week dealing with the details of your seventh grader’s school work and social life (and not because he needs advice, but because you insert yourself into it), it’s time to take a bath, read a book, and turn off everyone for time.

Organize your exit

If you are into helicopter, you can also be Type A. Great – that means you are also probably a fan of the good old listing organization! While you’re alone, trying not to float in the air, pull out your paper and pen and start making a list of what your kids should do for themselves, along with a schedule or ideas on how to achieve them.

Are they old enough to play in the backyard for a bit, but they never went outside without you by their side? Give yourself a timetable to make it easier for them (you). Start with a minute of running inside for a snack or refill your glass. Then start cooking dinner for 10-15 minutes while watching them from the kitchen window. Over time, you will be able to shout through the whole house: “Go play outside!” as you always dreamed.

Or maybe they are old enough that they should be able to stay at home alone completely, but you never go as much as walking around the block without them. Start with a couple of these walks, then run to the corner store, and then tackle a couple of longer errands. Baby steps are good as long as you walk in a straight line.

Weigh risk and reward

Overprotection may be a natural urge for many parents, but Chris Drew, a university professor and founder of The Helpful Professor , tells Scary Mommy that it’s important to resist this urge so our kids can become independent risk-lovers:

So how do you fix yourself? Drew recommended, “The next time your child makes a decision on their own, ask yourself: what is the worst-case scenario and what are the potential benefits? If the worst case is a knee scratch or five minutes of tears, then this is a good compromise for the self-confidence and self-management skills your child can gain from the experience. If we do not allow our children to take measured risks and be independent, we are doing them a disservice. “

Give them permission to tell you to relax.

Most kids don’t want us to hover; at least not all the time, and especially as you get older. If you know this is your problem, not their problem, admit it. Tell them that it’s difficult for you to let go, and while it’s only because you love them and want the best for them, you also understand that these are people who need to learn on their own to become independent. It is not their job to break you from these habits, but as they get a little older, they may be grateful for being given permission to tell you respectfully in order to reinforce them a little.

And if they say so, listen to them. This means that you are raising children who yearn for independence, and this is the ultimate goal.