How to Become a Cunnilingus Master
Cunnilingus has an undeserved reputation for being one of the most difficult sexual acts to perform well. I think this characterization is based on cultural judgments about the vulva as “complex” and “mysterious.” Let’s put an end to this unfair reputation with some simple tips for doing great cunnilingus.
In this guide, I enlisted the help of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: A Thinking Man’s Guide to Delivering Pleasure to a Woman . As a sex therapist, I have read many books on sex advice. She easily ranks in my top five. Most sex books are too vague to be useful, but Kerner goes into every aspect of cunnilingus in detail and gives a ton of specific techniques. Kerner was also personally interested in honing his oral sex technique – he boldly admits in the first chapter that his struggle with premature ejaculation prompted him to find other ways to please his partners. So, with his advice, here’s a step-by-step guide on how to learn to give your partner a good head.
* Note that although Kerner’s book is written for men, his advice works for women who do cunnilingus as well.
First, calm your partner down.
Many people just don’t feel comfortable with oral sex. In particular, for some women, this is due to insecurity about their smell or taste, or because of their inner belief that their genitals are “ugly.” Some fear that their partners may find the experience unpleasant. Others do not like being in the spotlight, or they cannot relax in receiving. Women are accustomed to being overly critical of their bodies, so if your eyes, nose, and mouth are right in the center of one of the most sensitive parts of the body, it will cause at least a little resistance.
You won’t be able to completely change your partner’s relationship with their body in one fell swoop, but you can make a special effort to help them feel more at ease. Kerner says this is partly due to a change in your own perception of oral sex. One of the biggest misconceptions about cunnilingus is that “external intercourse is less satisfying than intercourse.” For many, oral sex is the most physically pleasing intercourse. This is not a “prelude” in the sense that you spend a few minutes on it and then move on to the “main course.” When you suggest humiliating someone, make it clear that you are serious about the activity and are looking forward to it.
Kerner has a chapter called The Kunnlingus Manifesto, which has three important tips to help you and your partner enjoy the experience even more:
When you descend on it, you get turned on; you like it as much as she does.
There is no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to enjoy every moment.
Its aroma is provocative and its taste is powerful. All of this comes from one beautiful essence.
If you can truly convey each of these beliefs, you will be way ahead of most people!
Make yourself comfortable: you will be in it for a long time
Taking your time is another great way to help your partner relax and excite what you have left. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so don’t dive into it right away. Kerner recommends spending a lot of time “kissing, hugging, touching, and sharing fantasies” and making sure your partner is horny before starting to wade between his legs. Once you are there, continue to take your time. Kerner advises “to start with light vertical movements from the bottom up.”
It takes an average of 20 minutes for women to reach orgasm, so it’s important that you take this journey too:
Make sure your body is supported and that you are stretched out and lying down. You want your gums and tongue to be at a 45-degree angle rather than a 90-degree angle, which is more comfortable. Let her do some of the work by pressing her body against your gum line. Her legs should be close enough to each other so that you can lean to the right or left and rest your head comfortably on her leg without missing a single touch.
If you don’t like lying on your stomach, try kneeling at the foot of the bed between their legs. Whatever you do, just make sure you are ready to take your time.
Hone your daily routine, but be careful
Kerner’s clients have some amusing descriptions of oral sex that their partners have had. One woman complained that her partner treated cunnilingus as “a bull run in Spain – a crazy crush for the clitoris.” Another said it looked like “a cobra defending against a mongoose.” Continuing the trend of colorful metaphors, Kerner says, “Think of your language as the flapping of the gentle wings of a butterfly, or as a thick, wet magic marker carefully painting a still life.” Translation: it is better to be gentle and methodical than too rude or overly acrobatic.
This means you need to find a method that works and stick with it. One of the things I love the most about She Comes First is that Kerner goes through detailed hitting procedures and techniques in a specific order. There is no nonsense like “just keep licking!” Everything is laid out for you. I asked Kerner to start with a simple routine, and he happily agreed:
Part her labia and focus on licking the area of the anterior commissure just above the glans (clitoris). With the index finger of your free hand, sometimes alternate horizontal movements of the finger along the head with vertical movements of the tongue.
As her arousal builds up, you can insert one, maybe two fingers. Use your tongue first to increase the arousal and then your finger to complement and nudge the arousal to the next stage. Do not try to “fuck” her vagina with your tongue or fingers. Press your fingers up to her G-spot while continuing to lick.
With your free hand, you can touch her breasts, gently squeeze her nipples, stroke her belly, or place her underneath for support.
This is a simple technique that can be a great start, but keep in mind that everyone likes different things when it comes to cunnilingus. Some people like oral and manual stimulation at the same time, while others don’t. Some people orgasm best from circular movements of the tongue around the clitoris, while others prefer light sucking movements. Kerner recommends observing and listening to their reactions to find what works best, but there is another old standby mode that works just as well (if not better): ask your partner! If they know what they like, they will probably happily tell you. And if the two of you are not yet comfortable talking about sex, we wrote about how to get better, even if you are shy .
Pay special attention to the commission
Kerner’s approach to cunnilingus is unique in that it focuses on the commissure, which is the area just above the clitoris and the hood of the clitoris. It is a smooth patch of skin that is often overlooked due to its proximity to the apparently more famous clitoris. In the chapters on the female anatomy, Kerner talks about how pressure on the commissure can stimulate some of the inner fibers of the clitoris. Here is one of Kerner’s specific techniques for enjoying adhesion:
Turn your mouth into an Elvis Presley growl and press your gum against its anterior commissure. Make a seal between the gum and its anterior commissure. You should be slightly above the glans of the penis, at a 45-degree angle to the opening of your vagina. Continue to apply persistent licks.
If you find it hard to imagine, think about what your lips look like when you bite off an apple (no teeth, of course!).
Prepare for an orgasm
As your partner approaches orgasm , Kerner advises pulling his legs closer together to increase the stimulation. But above all, there is one thing you need to remember as they get close to orgasm: don’t change what you do in terms of routine and pace. Don’t allow yourself to speed up because of their increasing intensity. Be careful and methodical. Consistency is key for most women, so once you find something that works, stick to it and don’t go astray! If you do this, you may have a very frustrated partner.
The clitoris is extremely sensitive after orgasm, so give your partner a chance to cool down and calm down before taking any other action. Say how much you enjoyed paying attention to their beautiful body and congratulate yourself on a job well done. This article was originally published in June 2015 and was updated on December 30, 2020 to include more gender-neutral language and align its content with the current Lifehacker style.