TikTok’s Golden Retriever and Black Cat Relationship Theory Is Toxic
There are a number of TikTok trends that are more harmful than helpful. Another one to add to the list: the “golden retriever guy and black cat girl” theory. The trend, which was coined a few years ago and has since continued to generate tons of videos on the topic, describes the relationship between a “golden retriever” boyfriend who is easy-going, extroverted, and in love with his “black cat” girlfriend. “who seems to have an uncaring attitude, low responsiveness and an introvert. According to TikTok, couples should pay attention to these dynamics if they want a successful relationship and marriage.
One TikTok video lists examples of celebrity marriages and relationships that illustrate the “golden retriever guy” and “black cat girl” dynamic and why they worked. In another video, the user talks about how whenever she was girlfriend with a “golden retriever,” the relationship never worked out—and that only happened when she was a “black cat.”
This typology, according to Sarah Melancon, a sociologist and sexologist, tends to reflect negative stereotypes about men and women in relationships that are just the opposite of cultural norms. “Stereotypically, we expect women to be more relationship-focused and eager to please, while we expect men to be more distant and less willing to commit or communicate. In any case, when there is an imbalance of interests and efforts in a relationship, it will not bring much satisfaction,” she says.
As for why this dynamic typically isn’t the healthiest, Melancon notes that a “golden retriever” guy may be someone who is actually clingy, a people pleaser, or has an anxious attachment style, while behaviors and actions ” A “black cat” girl may indicate a lack of interest, standoffishness, or an avoidant attachment style.
“Ideally, we want our relationship to be a two-way street,” Melancon says. “While things won’t be completely equal on a day-to-day basis, we want there to be a healthy balance of love and support between both partners.”
And sure, opposites can attract, and sometimes we tend to be attracted to qualities in others that we lack in ourselves, but the risk with the golden retriever/black cat typology, Melancon says, is that “one partner puts in more effort.” . These moments can happen in any relationship, but typically, over time, both partners will become increasingly dissatisfied with the relationship.”
Red Flags About a Golden Retriever Boyfriend
A Golden Retriever guy is more than just friendly and generous. Sometimes what looks attractive is actually hiding a deeper problem that could cause problems for your relationship in the future.
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He identifies himself as a “good guy.” He always initiates every text message and date, always apologizes and never takes any blame, surprises you with gifts for no reason, and seemingly does everything “right” on your part. Problem? Wanting to be a good partner is great, but wanting to be seen as a good partner turns the relationship into an achievement or source of approval rather than an opportunity to be present,” Melancon explains.
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He’s codependent. He texts you every day all day and wants to see you every day. Problem? “A healthy relationship allows each partner to express themselves and pursue their interests with plenty of personal space,” says Melancon. “The clutch compresses the space between ‘you and me’, resulting in a feeling of pressure, suffocation or suffocation.”
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He is very extroverted. While this in itself isn’t a red flag, Melancon says that if there’s a significant difference in social interests compared to your partner—he likes to be the life of the party and likes to be surrounded by people that you don’t—the relationship may be unsustainable.
Red flags about a “black cat” girlfriend
A black cat girl may seem humble and reward-worthy at first glance, but her qualities may not actually be suitable for a healthy relationship.
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She looks uninterested . She takes days to respond to your text message, doesn’t interfere in your life, and generally doesn’t seem to like you that much. Problem? “While we don’t need to be our partner’s literal cheerleader, we all need to know that we are loved and cared for,” Melancon says. “A black cat may inadvertently indicate a lack of interest or love,” which will be unpleasant if you are not receiving the attention and affection you deserve.
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She has problems with communication . She will leave you reading without discussing what was bothering her; she will never tell you how she feels, good or bad, and does not engage in heart-to-heart conversations. Problem? “No one is a mind reader, so when one partner often shuts down, it can seriously deteriorate the relationship,” Melancon explains.
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She is very introverted/antisocial . Again, while this isn’t necessarily a red flag, Melancon says, if she prefers to be alone and doesn’t like interacting with people and you do, it will be a problem for your relationship.
Potential problems this relationship may face
Melancon says a Golden Retriever guy can feel unappreciated, unloved or even used. Meanwhile, the black cat’s girlfriend may feel depressed or suffocated. “Both partners may struggle to adapt to each other’s needs and learn to share love in a way that resonates most with their partner,” she explains. “Over time, such problems can impair the feeling of closeness and intimacy between partners.”
Melancon says a relationship between a golden retriever boyfriend and a black cat girlfriend can work if both are willing to make changes and grow together.
“The most important thing in a relationship is how both partners feel: whether their needs are met, whether they feel safe communicating and setting boundaries, and how much they respect each other,” she says. “We all have flaws in relationships, but as long as partners are willing to evolve, unhealthy relationships can transform over time. We all experience anxiety due to the uncertainty of life and especially love, so the use of tests and typologies is common. a way to control the future. But please don’t stop or start a relationship just because of what you see on TikTok.”