Why “Under Sharing” Is Just As Bad As Too Much (and How to Stop Doing It)
Emotions of high intensity, such as anger, fear, anxiety, and despair , are draining . It’s only natural to want to keep them to yourself so you don’t upset others or come across as an uncouth babbler. But too much movement in the opposite direction is just as harmful in its own way. Here’s how chronic miscommunication is affecting your mental health and relationships, and how to stop it.
Incomplete sharing isolates you from other people
Everyone knows that ignoring feelings won’t make them magically disappear. It just internalizes all that stress and pain, which in turn makes you more stressed and unhappy. After a while, you may start to feel completely alone, as if you are the only person in the world who feels the same way as you. As Northeastern University behavioral sciences professor Dr. Chris Lee points out in an article for Psychology Today , the longer you let it go on, the worse it gets:
The more we hide, the more we want it. Instead of lending a helping hand, we remain isolated so that we are not noticed when we are not in the best place, doing nothing to help us get rid and make progress.
It is this sense of isolation that makes incomplete communication so dangerous. People who know you well, such as close friends, family members, and therapists, may sense that something is wrong, but until you tell them how you feel, they won’t be able to know for sure. To friends and family, your lack of revelation is very much like a cold welcome; they may start to worry that they did something to upset you, and more importantly, start to worry that you won’t seem to talk to them about it. It’s not enough to share with your therapist for fear of shame or judgment, even worse: they can’t help you with problems they don’t even know exist.
For obvious reasons, in a professional setting, an incomplete exchange is less of a problem. However, it’s not entirely without risk. If you’re going through something in your personal life that makes it hard for you to concentrate on work to the point where your boss or colleagues might notice, it’s usually a good idea to let them know what’s going on – at least to some extent. A good manager will take care of you regardless of performance, but a little (appropriate) context will prevent a less understanding manager from perceiving your absent-mindedness as laziness.
How to break the habit of not sharing enough
Opening up takes some getting used to, especially if you’ve been discouraged (or punished) from doing so in the past. You can start small: practice identifying your feelings and allowing yourself to feel them on your own or with the guidance of a therapist. Once you find the words to describe what you’re dealing with, talking about it becomes much easier.
When and how to share your feelings depends on the audience. A trusted therapist is the safest option; they are trained to deal with whatever the patients throw at them, so don’t hold back. It’s always nice to talk to family and friends. In other words, don’t randomly send someone a multi-paragraph message about your life issues – sign up first to make sure it’s the right time to have a tough conversation. A simple “I’ve been having a hard time lately, can I talk to you about it?” should do the trick. In the unlikely event they will say no, respect that boundary and don’t give them trouble.
It’s harder to understand than to share with casual acquaintances, colleagues, and anyone you don’t know well, so caution is key. For example, someone who openly bullies people with mental illness may not be the best person to spontaneously talk about your depression, but if this is your boss and you need to adjust to a mental health crisis, you may not be able to get away with it. In this situation, using a specific, precise language can be really helpful. You obviously shouldn’t get into graphic details, but choosing words like “depression”, “anxiety”, or “panic disorder” (to name but a few) instead of the vague “I’m not feeling well” makes it hard for someone to understand. discount what you say. Besides, who knows? You could end up getting close to someone because of a shared experience you didn’t know about, and feel a lot less alone in the process.