Perhaps You Should Include Your Partner in a “Performance Improvement Plan”
All relationships have their ups and downs, but if you’re experiencing a particularly frustrating stalemate with your partner, take a cue from the work world. In a recent TikTok video, a woman named Nadine described the process of putting a partner on “probation” or giving them a “Performance Improvement Plan” (PIP) that will give them recommendations to improve your relationship. As Nadine put it, “Our arguments were always about me getting frustrated with him not doing his job, and he always said that if I’d just waited, he’d get to [whatever he didn’t do. ]. It was just ridiculous to argue about these things, because they weren’t even big problems, but they were really important, because that’s how we lived. If you can’t live with someone, how are you supposed to be in a relationship together?”
But is it really a good idea to put your partner on a “trial period” or “performance plan”? Or does it risk turning your relationship into a purely transactional one, or worse, creating a manager-employee relationship between you? It depends on how you approach it.
“Our relationship is based on agreements—both implicit and explicit,” Dr. Carla Marie Manley , psychologist and author of Smart Dating , tells Lifehacker. “When both partners agree that an arrangement such as a ‘performance plan’ works in the best interests of both partners and the relationship, the outcome can be win-win.”
However, according to Manley, if one of the partners is manipulating or taking on a parental role, resulting in the partner being treated like a minor on probation, “these dynamics can be very damaging. In fact, good relationships usually do not happen by chance, but as a result of both partners consciously working together to uplift each other.”
That’s why Manley says the best chance of a positive outcome is when both partners agree on the benefits a particular plan has to offer. “Whether the term is used—“performance plan,” “relationship agreement,” or “interpersonal goal plan,” a well-crafted, love-based agreement can truly benefit both partners and the relationship itself,” she says. she.
So is PIP a good idea for your relationship? Manly highlights everything you need to know about such an agreement so you can decide if it will work for you and your partner… or not.
Potential Issues That Might Make You Propose a PIP Relationship
Some features are easier to overlook than others, and if you find that value mismatch is an ongoing problem, a PIP or relationship agreement might be a great solution for you, says Manley.
“Many partners are drawn to each other because of physical attractiveness, common interests, and the desire to communicate; however, relationships tend to thrive when partners also share the same values and goals,” she explains. “When partners get to know each other, they often realize that they have different shared values in areas such as quality time, cleanliness, friendship, finances, and honesty.
As disagreements arise in key areas, partners often squabble over the same issues over and over again, often to no avail. It takes conscious wisdom to slow down, notice areas that are shifting, and then develop clear strategies to deal with problems.”
What type of partner can benefit from PIP?
As Nadine mentioned on her TikTok, the plan works for her boyfriend because he likes lists and organization, and Manly praises her for a great job of bringing out her boyfriend’s strengths. “The plan she created was tailored to her boyfriend’s preferences and needs,” she says. “A lot of people really enjoy – and benefit from – having very specific diagrams because they provide structure and clarity.” If your partner loves to-do lists and schedules, making a PIP can help.
On the other hand, Manley notes, more creative people or those who are more “go with the flow” may forgo structured lists of areas they need to work on. However, she notes, “it’s important to note that even those who don’t like lists will benefit from some method that provides clarity on each partner’s needs, wants, and expectations in the relationship.” You just need to figure out what is the best way to communicate these things.
How does a performance plan benefit the relationship?
From Manly’s experience, she has found that couples often argue over several key issues, such as emotional connection, quality time, use of technology, financial arrangements, sexuality, shared responsibilities, and friend/family concerns. “Partners — even those in long-term relationships — are often not clear about their wants, needs, and expectations,” she explains. “And, if they try to communicate with a partner about what they want, there are often fights or altercations. Communication often becomes increasingly difficult, especially when one or both partners become defensive. In this way, a performance improvement plan can allow both partners to craft an agreement focused on specific needs and expectations.” Its creation, according to Manley, elevates the relationship “from a guessing game or power struggle to a clear, mature agreement that gives both people the chance to create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.”
Relationship Performance Plan Examples
So what does PIP look like in a relationship? Maybe you want to spend more time productively, but your partner is more like a lone wolf. Manley says that having a clear action plan can help your partner spend more time for the benefit of both of you.
Or you may like a clean environment, and your partner is very casual in this regard. “While it’s important to consider personal cleanliness preferences to some extent, a performance plan can help bring a less-than-tidy partner into a place of moderate cleanliness that feels better for everyone,” explains Manley.
If your partner is very extroverted and likes to bring friends home at any time, and you are a moderate introvert who needs more time to be quiet and structured, a performance plan can create an outline for how to manage your various needs that seem fair and acceptable to you. you both.
When is a relationship plan a bad idea?
The biggest downside to a performance plan, Manley says, is that the plan is one-sided—meaning one partner creates the plan to manage or control the other partner. If so, “the plan is likely to generate dissent and resentment,” she says. Also, if the plan is created from the top down, which results in the partner feeling disrespectful or childish, then it will likely create emotional distance and resistance. Also, if both partners aren’t really interested in the plan, it’s likely to fizzle out pretty quickly, which, according to Manley, can actually worsen the relationship by increasing feelings of annoyance and dissatisfaction.
Can such a plan really be successful?
“I am a conscious agreement advocate,” says Manley. “When we consciously make agreements—and not default to the status quo—we can really elevate ourselves and our relationships.” As with all areas of strong relationships, the PIP process is actually based on effective communication between both partners. While the form factor may seem unusual, in execution it can be just as effective as a sincere conversation. “Given different histories and experiences of relationships, one partner often needs more prodding and structuring to achieve desired goals; this is not a problem if both partners agree that change is necessary and desirable,” notes Manley. “The purpose of such plans is not to shape the other person, but to create intrapersonal and interpersonal dynamics that will lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.”