How Not to Pass on Your Fears to Your Children
As parents, we all want our children’s lives to be better than our own. This is especially true when it comes to getting our kids to avoid some of our anxieties, whether it’s a fear of flying, driving, heights, or anxieties related to money or communication.
“It’s not easy because we all have something we fear,” said Susan Newman , psychologist, parenting expert and author of Raising an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising the One and Only .
Our children notice more than we realize
It is easy to think that we can avoid passing on our fears simply by hiding them from our children. However, as Newman points out, children notice more than we think. “Children are much more attuned to their parents than parents would like to think,” Newman said. “It starts pretty early.
Our children depend on us for all their physical and emotional needs, which means they are programmed to pick up on our words, actions, and body language, whether it’s noticing how we always avoid dogs or how we tense up. driving or muffled conversations about money.
“They have their antennas up, tuned in to how their parents behave and react,” Newman said. “If we think we’re masking our anxiety, that’s unlikely.”
How can we model healthy coping strategies
Children notice our fears. Becoming completely fearless is generally not an option, and perhaps not the best strategy given that some amount of fear is normal and healthy, so the best way to help your kids avoid your fears is to acknowledge them and model healthy coping strategies.
Some of Newman’s suggestions include actively working with your own fears, finding other adults who can help your children with activities you fear, and reading books to children about overcoming your fears.
Sometimes it’s good to be honest with your children. “Often you can explain to your child what you missed,” Newman said. For example, if you are afraid to swim, you can explain your regrets about not taking swimming lessons as a child and all the potential activities you missed as a result.
Don’t say “be careful”
Newman also recommends not telling the child to be careful , as this statement tends to induce fear or caution. Instead, she recommends using specific language and focusing on problem solving. For example, instead of telling your child to be careful when climbing a tree, you can ask him if he thought about how he was going to climb it.
Discussing this with your child will help him think about how he can climb a tree, what the potential risks are, and whether he can successfully do so.
“You give your child the tools they need to assess situations they might be in without you,” Newman said.