All the Horrible Slang Your Doctor Uses Behind Your Back.
Maybe it has to do with dealing with death as a job, but people who work in medicine can be dark muffs, and it shows in their slang. Not only have doctors and nurses perfected the humor of the gallows, they can also use most of their “secret words” right in front of patients and their families without them even knowing it.
Before you continue: many of the informal medical terms below are unawakened, non-PC, heartless, and offensive to a wide variety of people who shouldn’t be insulted, so come back if that bothers you.
It can be argued whether it is ever acceptable to use such words, even if you use them privately, to cope with the gravity of your calling, but that is not the case here.
Like any slang, these terms are not used by every medical professional in every hospital and doctor’s office – I’m sure all your healthcare providers are always professionals and would never use these terms behind your back. But just in case:
- AALFD – If you’re speaking clinically, you might call it “drug seeking behavior”, but if you’re speaking slang, it’s AALFD: Another Drug Seeking Asshole.
- SAR . If a patient is feigning an illness, the doctor may say that they have SAD, or Acute Theatrical Syndrome.
- Beamer : Some physicians refer to obese or overweight patients as “Beamer” due to their high BMI.
- Heavenly discharge : A deceased patient is said to have received a “heavenly discharge” from the hospital. See also: D/C for JC and ECU.
- Code Brown : If “Code Blue” indicates a critical situation where the patient needs urgent emergency care, “Code Brown” means someone has pooped and needs to be removed. See VLE.
- CTD : If you hear your doctor say you have “CTD”, it means you are “circling the sewer” or “near death”. Either way, these are bad times.
- D/C to DK : meaning “released to Jesus”; in other words, dead.
- Dyscopia : This pseudo-medical term refers to patients or family members who find it difficult to cope.
- ECU : If the patient is transferred to the perpetual care unit, he has died.
- FLK – This acronym stands for “Fun-Looking Child” and was/is used by pediatricians and refers to children with non-specific facial dysmorphia. It has existed since at least this 1969 issue of JAMA, where the doctor denounces the term as devoid of compassion.
- FTD : This abbreviation has two opposite meanings. In some hospitals, it means “prepare to die.” In others, it means “not being able to die” and is used to describe older patients who stay alive no matter what.
- FOS : This acronym for “total crap” seems to be popular among pediatricians as a way to describe a constipated child. This is especially helpful because if a parent asks what it means, you can tell them it means “full stool”.
- Regular flier: According to freedictionary.com, this slang term means “a patient who is repeatedly admitted to the same hospital for the same unresolved set of symptoms.”
- HOMER : It means “get out of my emergency room.” It was popularized in the 1978 novel House of God , where it is used to describe “a patient who is often hospitalized with complex but boring and incurable diseases.”
- Hollywood Code : Pretend to be working on a patient who is clearly beyond saving, usually for the sake of your family.
- Incarceritis : This term describes an illness that occurs while a patient is in prison in the near future.
- Kramping (or “kramping”) : This does not refer to the patient’s vigorous dance. In an informal medical context, krumping means that the patient’s condition is deteriorating rapidly.
- Dramatic Status : A play on the medical term status asthmaticus, this term refers to a patient who exaggerates their symptoms. It’s a more colorful way of saying “simulation”.
- Social Trauma of the Rectum : This phrase is the opposite of most of these terms as it is a polite way of describing the condition of people who go to the hospital with something stuck in their ass.
- TFTB : It means “too fat to breathe”. This is a rough description used instead of the actual health condition ” obesity hypoventilation syndrome “.
- VLE: “Valuable life experience” refers to giving a subordinate an unpleasant job, such as following a brown code.
- Walkie-Talkie : Refers to older patients who are still mobile and social. You can also say “Radio, use the potty anyway.”
- Submarine yellow : This term refers to an obese patient with jaundice.