Why You Shouldn’t Worry so Much About Being the “perfect” Mother
Even armed with a Ph.D. As for developmental psychology, I remember the frightening first moments after I brought my newborn daughter home from the hospital. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I wasn’t at all sure that I could be the father she needed me.
This post was originally published in The Conversation .
Every small decision to feed and care for this helpless person seemed important and fraught with anxiety. What if I don’t breastfeed for a year? Should I turn off the TV when she is in the room to avoid passive exposure to the screen? Can she go to a full-time day hospital in five months?
Popular press coverage of parenting and developmental research has not been particularly helpful either. Although I knew better as a scientist, the way the study was translated for the general public was subtle and easily penetrated my vulnerable state. I was worried that my daughter’s consumption of formula would lead to a drop in IQ. I worried that if I got too tired to read to her one night before bed, she would never learn to read. And since she started elementary school, I have been wrong many times and called her “smart” instead of more appropriately praising her efforts, as many articles advise.
My personal parenting experience partly explains why I study other parenting experiences. In my New Parents Project , an ongoing longitudinal study of nearly 200 dual-income couples who welcomed their first children in 2008-2009, I tried to measure this “parental perfectionism,” that is, adhere to incredibly high parenting standards. and, perhaps more importantly, the belief that others hold incredibly high standards of parenting.
The pressure to be perfect
Mothers – even in families with two breadwinners – not only bear the burden of parenting , but they are under tremendous pressure to become ideal parents.
In the second half of the 20th century, when the number of mothers increased, the norms of motherhood developed towards the ideal of “intensive motherhood”. This rule states that parenting should be time consuming, emotionally engaging, and guided by expert advice . This pressure is especially intense for middle-class mothers who can practice a parenting style called coordinated cultivation , an approach outlined by Annette Laureau in the early 2000s. This style focuses on consciously providing children with experiences and activities that will help them develop intellectual and social skills.
Middle-class parents, especially those in the upper socioeconomic spectrum, have the human capital resources – time and money – to engage in concerted improvement and do so to ensure the future success of their children.
Striving for excellence can hurt parenting
Striving to become the “perfect” mother can actually harm the mother’s upbringing. In my young parenting lab, we found that mothers showed less confidence in their parenting abilities when they were more worried about what other people thought about their parenting .
The popularity of social media has likely exacerbated this phenomenon because parents can look at what other parents are doing – even in supposedly personal moments – and judge themselves by comparison. In fact, recent research links increased use of Facebook to feelings of depression due to the way people tend to compare themselves to others . In my own study, when we asked new parents about their Facebook use , mothers who were more frequent visitors to the site and who managed their accounts were more likely to report higher levels of parental stress .
The irony is that by striving for excellence in parenting, parents are less likely to effectively raise their children. Worrying about what others think about their parenting undermines mothers’ confidence, making them perceive parenting as less enjoyable and more stressful. When faced with inevitable parenting problems, mothers with less self-confidence and more parenting stress give up faster.
So what does a “good” parent look like?
There may be disagreements among child development experts on issues such as screen time or sleep patterns, but there is striking agreement on key elements of good parenting, even if consensus is less likely to make the headlines than the latest parenting controversy.
Good parenting has more to do with how than what. Good parents are those who are sensitive to the needs of their children and are “in tune” with their children so that they can adjust their parenting responsibilities as their children develop and strive for greater independence. Children thrive when their parents are consistent, friendly, have high expectations for children’s behavior, explain the reasons for their rules, and negotiate when needed.
The increased stress associated with parenting further depletes the psychological resources of parents, which in turn can affect their ability to adapt to the changing needs of their children and regulate their emotions and behavior as they raise their children .
In other words, when you lack confidence and experience chronic stress from parenting, it can be difficult to be empathetic, warm, and consistent. You are more likely to scream if you intend to calmly explain to your toddler not to bang his plate on the table for the millionth time. You can feel mentally “checked” when your child looks at you and gurgles, or when your teen wants to tell you all about the latest Disney Channel sitcom. You can give in to your preschooler’s endless demands for more Pokemon cards.
So don’t worry about the little things. Remember, the big picture is important. Keep in mind that what other mothers post to Facebook may not reflect the reality of their parenting experience more than yours. Look at the latest headline on parenting with a grain of salt. Today – and every day – the best gift you can give yourself and your children may be permission to be imperfect.
Anxiety about being the perfect mother makes it hard to be a good parent | Talk