How to Get Rid of Parental Guilt and Forgive Yourself
In every parent’s life there is a moment (or several moments) that they would like to return. It can be as simple as the first time you raised your voice and made your baby cry, something you said without thought, hurt their feelings, or a preventable accident that led to a trip to the emergency room. But after the tears dry up and the wounds heal, guilt can linger in the hearts and minds of parents and guardians.
Despite the fact that they know that everybody makes mistakes, some parents may be difficult to get rid of the nagging feeling that they have not reached perfection in the eyes of their children. However, it is important for well-meaning parents to let go of feelings of remorse and learn to justify themselves for past mistakes. Here are some ways parents can begin to forgive themselves for their mistakes – not just for their own health, but also for their children.
Worry less about the future
Everyone gets mad at their kids from time to time. But, as Dr. Laura Markham writes for Psychology Today , it is the fear of our children “growing up” that can cause parents to act irrationally at the moment:
(What if he NEVER learns? What if she gets into big trouble and ruins her life? What if I hurt him forever?) But fear never helps us make the right decisions. You can always choose a new course now and start moving in a better direction. And the truth is, most of the problems with children are developmental, which means that as the brain matures, the child becomes mature. So relax, show some compassion, and trust that your child will be okay. Just tell yourself: “He brings up me better, and I’m fine.”
If parents allow this anxiety to guide them in raising or raising their children, no one will learn anything from their mistakes. Children’s brains are still developing and maturing, so they’ll have a breakdown or two (or a thousand) until they learn how to control their emotions. And you are human too, so give yourself some mercy if things get heated up. Trust that everything will be okay because it will, and don’t let worries about the future affect your present.
A pattern of self-forgiveness
If parents cannot forgive themselves for their mistakes, how will their children learn? As clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn writes for the Washington Post , family conflicts and their solutions are essential for a child’s development. She describes a concept known in the study of family interactions as “breakup and recovery”, which describes how “a moment of regret can be an opportunity to model positive behavior to resolve conflict while maintaining closeness.”
But when parents feel guilty about tensions in a relationship, they may remain in the “breakup” stage and not make up their minds. Edlynn explains:
If we can confess to our child that we are disappointed and that we feel bad because of the cry, this will dissipate negative emotions, and very important hugs will complete the interaction with warmth.
It’s nice to explain to our kids why we’re upset with them. But if we forgive them and ourselves for how we feel, we can teach forgiveness first-hand.
Don’t take things personally
Before going to their room in a fit of anger, the kids are going to say things from a place of anger that will break their parents’ hearts – and generate guilt: “You are so mean!” “I hate you!” “I wish I had never been born!”
It’s hard to hear such cruelty from a loved one and not take it personally. But it’s important to remember that kids don’t really mean these harsh statements, and their anger won’t last forever. It’s tempting to let the kids simmer on the beds until they calm down, but Markham recommends that you be patient and talk to the kids about why they are so angry. Let go of your emotional defenses and listen to what they have to say. Now is not the time to give them advice or lecture. Instead, focus on interacting with your child, and chances are both of you will forget all the terrible words you said.
Regulate your emotions
If you find yourself reevaluating the behavior that made you feel guilty in the first place, press the reset button, take a deep breath and try again. Not only will you be able to get back on track, but you will also serve as an example to your child of how to self-regulate their emotions.
As the Institute of the Child’s Mind notes, when parents work too hard to relax their children after a nervous breakdown, it can become difficult for children to discipline themselves later in life:
“In these situations, the child mostly relies on the parents to be external regulators of self-control,” says Dr. [Matthew] Rose. “If this pattern is repeated over and over, and the child can ‘outsource’ self-regulation, then it can develop as a habit.”
When parents forgive themselves for their past mistakes, they can become more confident educators and pass on these valuable qualities to their children. So give yourself some grace, regulate your reactions, and learn to let go.