How to Defuse Conflict Better Than Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un
It’s hard to believe that recent news events have really drowned out the threat of a nuclear war between the US and North Korea, but we live in an interesting time. Let me remind you that on July 28, North Korea tested a ballistic missile capable of reaching the United States. On August 8, President Trump pledged to meet any threat with “fire and fury.” On the 10th, the head of the strategic missile forces of North Korea unveiled a plan for an attack on Guam. August 11: Trump said the military is “locked and loaded” and ready to face any threat with a show of force.
Such diplomacy, right? We all have to be so skillful. One (of the many) troubling things about our current president is his apparent inability to negotiate or manage high-stakes situations with any kind of grace or humility. Anyone who has ever filmed a stressful work meeting or even a stressful Thanksgiving dinner knows that sometimes deliberate de-escalation is the best (and often the only) way to get what you want.
But some of us have a short temper, or a propensity to brag, or simply don’t know how to manage conflict – whether it’s a family event, a work meeting, or the global diplomatic arena. To get a sense of how professional conflict resolution experts deal with stressful situations, I spoke with Robin Bersel , a former police officer, detective and hostage negotiator and now a forensic writer, and Chris Voss, former FBI’s lead international negotiator for international negotiations. about the hostages and the author. never share the difference: negotiate as if your life depended on it .
Here are their top tips for defusing a tense situation better than Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.
Listen actively
Many people think that “resolving a conflict” is tantamount to “winning the argument,” but giving the other side airtime will bring you closer to resolving it. “Listening to the opinions of the other side, be it North Korea, Russia, Democrats or Republicans, is key. You want them to really know what you are listening to. Do you really hear what they say? It’s very simple, but it’s rule number one, ”says Burcell. She cites the example of a homeowners association meeting she attended in which the two factions were openly feuding: “They were so angry that no one could say a word. Nobody listened to anyone. “
Paraphrase
At the homeowner’s meeting, Burcell said she used her teaching by listening thoughtfully to both sides and then – and most importantly – repeating to each speaker what he or she said. “By the end of the meeting, I wouldn’t say everyone was happy, but they didn’t fight each other anymore.”
Voss reiterates this and notes that when you are angry or feel the stakes are high, it can be difficult to repeat what the other person is saying because “it can be negative and we don’t want to admit that we are seeing their side. We do not want to reinforce their beliefs. But [to paraphrase] we disagree. This is not agreement or disagreement, it is just a statement. ” The other side feels heard and you can move forward.
Confirm
Part of “active listening” is, of course, listening, but it also gives small indications that you are following along with them. “The random yes , yeah , and you’re right, let them know that you’re listening and paying attention,” says Burcell.
Label emotions and do not use “I” statements
“By naming strong emotions like fear, they are weakening,” Voss says. “You look angry” is a way to confirm your feelings and express empathy. But “ how you make an observation is the point. “I” is a word that focuses on itself. “ You seem angry [better]. You change the emphasis of the sentence. “You seem scared” makes the person think about it. Does it seem scary to me? As soon as you try to convince people to confess something, the dynamics change. ”
Skip yes or no questions
Burcell says, “When you ask questions, make sure they are open:“ Why are you upset? “, And not ” yes “ or” no “ questions. Give them a chance to talk. “
Use flattery, but wisely
“People generally hate flattery,” Voss says. “But it always works – even when we’ve just seen it applied to other people. I believe that flattery is a form of empathy and gratitude. ” What wo n’t work is if your actions or tone don’t support your words, Voss says, “And the appreciation has to be genuine” (or at least really look like that). So don’t say in a work meeting something like “We just love all your ideas and you’re such a creative force,” and then demote them to a pusher of sandwich carts. You want to consider your flattery and try to find a grain of truth in it so that it does not seem empty. Voss calls this “selfish sympathy.”
To tell the truth
“Telling the truth can be insanely effective,” says Voss. By this he means an emotionally neutral statement that simply states a fact. “Donald Trump could say something like ‘Kim Jong-un is holding the lives of hundreds of thousands of Chinese people.’ It will have an impact on both sides and change the course of the discussion. ” In a marital dispute, for example, one might say something simple and factual: “Children get upset when we fight.” This puts an emphasis on problem solving rather than blame: as Voss says, “the consequences make people take a step back.”
Take a step back
This is what I learned when I was in my early twenties and cried easily. (Writing articles for the Internet cured me of this.) A friend told me that in business school she learned that in stressful work situations, you can always temporarily interrupt the discussion – for example, if you get emotional, “Let’s get back to this tomorrow when we let’s be calmer. ” Burcell repeats this strategy: “Pause and take a step back. When things get hot, people say things they don’t mean. ” If you’re worried, you can apologize for a moment or even reschedule another day.
Find a neutral side to intervene
“Once you gain their trust, try to solve the problem,” says Burcell. If you can’t keep your cool, invite a third party to mediate. “I was neutral at the homeowners meeting because I had no emotional investment. It was easy for me to stay calm. If not, is there a neutral side? “
Just forget about the last word, already
“You’re trying to have the last word and it’s escalating,” says Burcell. “Someone needs to take a step back. No matter how difficult it is, take a step back, count to ten. “
Feeling the need to take one last goodbye photo? Return to the first step.