How to Schedule the Right Timeout for a Misbehaving Child
As a disciplinary strategy, spanking is definitely not suitable : not only does it not work, but it also has the same negative consequences, to a lesser extent, as a result of child abuse.
Which leaves us with timeout as the primary tool in a set of disciplines. The problem is that a lot of parents don’t think timeouts work – either they can’t get their child to stay in the timeout, or it doesn’t really help their child behave better.
“When I hear ‘I can’t do anything to stop her,’ I cringe,” Mike Fraser, a child psychologist in New York City, told me. “They took away all power from themselves. They have come to terms with the fact that their six-year-old child will run the house. “
The problem, Fraser says, is that most parents don’t properly time-out. I spoke to him for advice.
Ask: “What kind of family do we want to be?”
This is an important first step in creating a “culture” for your home. If you need guidance on this, Fraser suggests that in our family we are safe , responsible, and respectful . These three words cover many reasons for the behavior you want to support: for example, you want your children to speak respectfully to you and to each other; you don’t want them to, say, swing baseball bats in the house; you want them to control the screen time themselves when given some leeway. Over time, focusing on these three rules will help your children regulate their behavior because negative consequences arise when they don’t. (This also, of course, requires that you and other adults in their lives also model safe, respectful, and responsible behavior.)
Be consistent
Consistency is the key to constant behavior change, even for adults. Fraser asks: “Do you know how when you park your car in the city you pay close attention to the parking rules – the time on the meter, the parking rules on the other side? This is because the parking meter attendants are very consistent . You are not playing and you think that they will not be there. They are always there. ” Overall, this changed our behavior: we don’t need a ticket. We (mostly) follow the rules.
It’s the same with children – we need to amplify the consequences, like a robot, if we want to see any effect.
Memorize These Three Words: Expectations , Rules, and Consequences
Time-outs and the formation of children’s behavior in general depend on their knowledge of the rules and expectations in the family. “Successful timeouts are more than a moment,” says Fraser. “This is a whole process. It’s like a workplace: people know what is expected of them. There are rules and consequences. ” If your rule says you should do your homework before screen time, make it clear. If you expect children to help clear the table without asking, that should be clear too. The consequences, both positive and negative, are directly related to behavior: if you are happy to help with grocery shopping, you may be able to choose a treat. If you whine all the time we are in the store, you are losing your privilege.
Time out is a natural consequence of some negative behavior: hitting, yelling in the candy aisle, refusing to put on shoes, etc. Fraser describes a four-step process for effective time out that will ultimately shape appropriate social behavior:
1. Look them in the eye
“Accept their level and look in the eyes,” says Fraser. “Explain what they are doing wrong and go back to words unsafe , irresponsible, or disrespectful .” For example: “You must put on your shoes so that we can arrive at school on time. When you don’t put on your shoes, we are late. ”
2. Give them a chance to do well by the time you count to three.
Tell them what rule they broke and give them a chance to remedy the situation: “Can you get your shoes on by the time I count to three?” and then start counting. “Don’t do two and a half , two and three quarters — if you’re going to count to five, count to five,” says Fraser. If they can’t put on their shoes, apologize to their brother, or stop yelling in the checkout aisle, the timeout starts in their room, or during the timeout step, or wherever.
Language is important here: you do not “put them” in a timeout – they have earned a timeout as a result of their actions.
3. Start the timer.
Set them in a time-out spot – either a naughty chair, a step, or a specific spot in their room – and start a timer for one minute for each year (so three minutes for a 3-year-old, four for a 4-year-old, etc.) etc.). If your child doesn’t time out, you should bring him back – neutral, not angry – to the time out point. This is where patience comes in. “Even parents who are ready to work, [this is the place] they switch off earlier. They fold under pressure, ”says Fraser. Take a look at this Supernanny video in which the defiant 3-year-old gets timed out again 67 fucking times .
Fraser says, “They will check on the parents by getting up and running from the place for a timeout. You can’t give up. Eventually they will give up. If you cannot physically deal with it, ask a family member to help. “
Fraser notes that there are children for whom timeouts don’t really work – he refers to children with developmental delays and agrees with me when I ask about children with mental illness. “If this is something you are really struggling with, you can consult a doctor,” he says. He also notes that in extreme cases, if a child is completely out of control – for example, breaking things, punching holes in walls, tearing up a house – and you fear for his safety or your own: “You have to be ready to call 911 “.
4. Insist that they apologize.
When the timer rings, “they must duly apologize. This is the moment to find out what a “good” apology is – they have to say it in a way that the person receiving the apology really feels [their sincerity], ”says Fraser.
None of this is easy: “You did the work and it’s really hard,” says Fraser. It is tempting to give up, thinking that they will eventually “outgrow” their bad behavior. But Fraser notes that we immediately correct other mistakes our children make — for example, we would never consider keeping 2 + 2 = 5 valid, “because we know that not understanding math is a serious flaw. It’s the same with behavior – it is ultimately the process of teaching a child how to live in this world. “