How You Fight With Your Partner Affects the Well-Being of Your Children.
All couples have disagreements, but new research shows that the way you deal with these differences, can greatly affect the well-being of your child. Researchers at the University of Arizona examined parental conflict and child well-being in three waves, from pregnancy to when the child was three years old. In an article to be published in the Journal of Family Psychology , graduate student Elena Kopystinskaya and her colleagues concluded that while “constructive” conflict can be helpful and even instructive, “destructive” conflict undermines children’s emotional safety.
Meredith Martin, an assistant professor in the Department of Educational Psychology at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, who was not involved in the study, said the generalized findings appear to be in line with previous studies of marital conflict. “Children are sensitive to signs of anger – they are sensitive to what is threatening. Therefore, if the parents make faces or screams angrily, or one of the parents shows signs of fear, it undermines the child’s sense of emotional security. They are not only afraid, but the very people who should console them, their parents, are inaccessible. So this is a two-way attack. “
Constructive and destructive conflict
So what is constructive and destructive conflict? In the midst of a disagreement with your partner, how do you know if you are swearing “right”?
Dr. Martin says, “By constructive, we mean strategies of interrelated conflict that do not pose a threat from the child’s perspective.” Couples who argue constructively use a variety of strategies that don’t bother or infuriate anyone, especially their child, for example:
- calm discussion
- problem solving
- active listening
- resolution
- constructive statements that focus on the problem rather than the person
- avoiding exaggeration
- compromise
- displays of warmth and affection
Destructive means conflict that, from the child’s perspective, is a threat, for example:
- expressions of intense anger
- verbal and physical aggression
- belittling or humiliating a partner
- slamming doors
- throw objects
- ” Evasion ” or refusal to communicate with a partner
- expression of parental fear
Dr. Martin also emphasizes that conflicts involving a child, such as blaming him or asking him to take sides, are also destructive because they put the child right in the middle of a fight.
Damage
Children who are regularly exposed to these kinds of negative conflicts can never completely relax and feel safe, which has far-reaching consequences for their health, education and ability to form attachments: “Emotional security is a fundamental human need. It’s difficult, for example, to be a child in kindergarten — sitting still, paying attention, being calm — when your body and mind are concerned about feeling safe. When you feel secure, you are more open to learning and building relationships. These are important developmental skills, ”says Dr. Martin. In other words, constant vigilance takes its toll.
Children who are exposed to destructive conflict will take protective measures to protect themselves: they can act because it distracts parents from their struggle. They may hide, run away, or cover their eyes and ears. Or they may even try to intervene – because obviously the parents cannot handle the conflict on their own – and resolve the conflict in a way that is truly irrelevant. Or they will try to “disguise themselves” – to shut up and become small so that they will not be noticed. “Children in disguise are trying to hide really strong internal physiological disorders,” says Dr. Martin.
This does not mean that you never quarrel.
Just as some parents don’t know how to disagree without resorting to hostility, “Some parents worry that any disagreement is bad for their children. But disagreement is a fulfilling part of life. Problems arise from hostile strategies – humiliation, aggression, dodging obstacles, ”says Dr. Martin.
In fact, engaging in constructive conflict can be really rewarding: Children witness how people deal with disagreements without scorched earth tactics – a skill that will serve them well as they overcome conflict with peers or partners later on. So if you want to have an emotionally healthy child, says Dr. Martin, the conclusion: “The first thing you can do to increase the emotional safety of a child is to reduce your exposure to destructive conflict.”
Of course, this could mean counseling, or at least keeping your disagreements in case you are not with your children. “One thing that has been really helpful [for couples trying to reduce conflict] is simply admitting that what they are doing is about the child . People think that if they hide it, or the child is not involved, or even if they are behind closed doors, it is not harmful. So enough for couples to think, “Maybe we don’t need to have this conversation in front of our child.” This can go a long way towards reducing the number of destructive conflicts a child is exposed to. “
How bad is a divorce anyway?
One interesting aspect of the University of Arizona research: parents who both had destructive reasoning styles had the lowest level of safety. Now this group was small, but Kopystinskaya suggests that these couples could simply have separated within three years, which reduced the overall level of destructive conflicts that children were subjected to.
Dr. Martin says, “I would say that if the choice is between staying together and exposing the child to high levels of conflict, and separating and reducing levels of conflict, divorce may be relatively preferable to staying together.” She cites research that shows that divorce itself isn’t bad – it’s the relationship between co-parents and the relationship between each parent and child that matters.
So if the parents are still involved in numerous conflicts after the divorce, this is not a better situation (for children) than marriage. But if the overall level of conflict decreases, the children will feel better.
Looking for resources? The Family Research Institute offers good summaries of family conflict research . And the Gottman Institute , which is well known for its research on marital conflict and marital therapy, can refer you to a Gottman-trained therapist in your area. If not, try any conflict resolution trained therapist or member of the clergy. If you are completely stuck try this book . And be careful with yourself: many of us did not learn to manage conflict as children, so we actually start from scratch. In the meantime, wait until the child leaves the house to talk.