What Every New Foster Parent Should Know
Becoming a parent of any kind requires planning, preparation, and a lot of flexibility along the way. But when a child comes to you with a past about which you have few details, with an injury that you did not cause, and no socks or underwear, it turns your world on its side.
After the birth of our son Ryan, my husband and I knew that we would eventually become foster parents. We wanted to give another child – or children – safety and security in the stable family in which we were fortunate enough to be born. We knew that being the first among our family and friends to make a breakthrough in parenting, we had to go through a pretty cool course. We just didn’t know how cool it was until we started climbing.
In particular, there are a few things that I would like to know about in advance.
You need an onsite support system before the first Placement Arrived
The key to surviving those first hours / days / weeks of your first employment is to have a supportive network of other foster parents around you who can answer questions, provide advice and reassure you that “No, you are not crazy. from what you think you can do it. this “and” Yes, it will be easier. “
See, I did it backwards. After I entered for the first time – a cheerful three-year-old boy – I realized that this kind of upbringing is very different from the usual upbringing. Our friends and family cheered us on, but they could not fully understand what it was like to jump up and raise a child that we did not know at all and who was so scared that he could not process almost everything we said. …
Back then, I struggled to reach out to foster parents in my area and join foster parent groups on social media, but those early days would be much less isolated if we had a few foster friends already waiting in the wings.
It’s okay to say no.
Now that you’ve decided to become a foster parent, every story will flutter your heart. Even if you carefully and thoughtfully delineate the parameters of what you can – and are willing – to take on, there will come a point when the social worker will ask you to go beyond those parameters. This is the nature of a system that always lacks people, beds and time.
As new foster parents, we decided to take only one child at a time, aged 2 to 6 years. Just a few weeks after our adopted son arrived, we received a call about another boy. He was 8 years old and needed a LOT of one-on-one attention. I would have laughed if I hadn’t held back my tears. Aside from logistical issues (for example, we didn’t have a bed for him), I was already physically and mentally exhausted. I had nothing more to give.
The guilt for this “no” pressed on me for several months. If not me, then who? Were we his last option? Did my no really send him to the group home? It took me a while to realize that going beyond my capabilities would be detrimental to both him and the two children already living in my home. I had to come to terms with my limitations for the greater good.
Don’t worry revolving door
There will be regular visits from a social worker, therapy appointments and meetings with child advocates. Sometimes your dining room will be more like a conference room as you work to accommodate all the meetings you need. And they will happen at the most inopportune moment – right after school, when moodiness is at its peak, or shortly before lunch, when you are trying to discuss a recent behavioral problem, when pots and pans really should be decisive. bake.
Sometimes all the adults who come with the child will experience more stress than the child himself. Remember that you are not here to impress anyone. You cannot do a deep cleaning before every visit. If they come into a living room covered with toys; well you have kids and kids playing with toys. If you are now slicing vegetables and they are putting their files on your kitchen table; then pat yourself on the back for 1) feeding the kids vegetables and 2) free table space.
The only thing that can be said about foster families is the vagueness of it all.
This is difficult for those of us (ahem, me) who are Type A. Part of what I am suited to raising children is my organized and solid nature. But “organized and careful” also has a “plan ahead” side. Well, planning ahead is a pipe dream in foster homes.
Our first adopted child was with us for almost a year, but he could leave at almost any moment. We lived and planned on the appointed court dates, never knowing what the outcome would be and whether we would have to give up everything to pack it up. I planned his 4th birthday at the last minute because I didn’t want to bother him with a party that I might have to cancel. Foster parents force you to be content – or at least tolerant – of living in the present moment.
Goodbyes will break your heart, but that’s okay
There is a high probability that the child will leave your home – after all, the main goal of the foster family is to reunite the biological family. This is what discourages many people from becoming foster parents; the idea of letting them go. But here’s the thing: if that’s what scares you, it probably means you would be a great adoptive parent.
What these children need most is not someone who will simply perform the movements. They need someone to embrace them during the scariest and most traumatic period of their little life and provide them with a safe, caring and loving home.
It should break your heart when they leave. And when it does, you will know that it was worth it, because you will do it over and over again.