Help! My Wife Is a Pornstar
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a man who is unhappy with his wife’s career in the adult entertainment industry.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hi, Patrick,
After 20 years and two children, my beloved wife entered the adult entertainment industry two years ago against my will. We have no money problems. Great sex every other day. She has a learning disability and has never been able to do well in the professional world. Appearance and a hefty dose of narcissism – that’s all. My wife is a wonderful mother for our children. It kills me that she is ready to destroy our life together … I do not know what to do next.
Lost in South Florida
Hey Lost in South Florida:
On the one hand, if you don’t like what she’s doing, then you don’t like it. That’s all there is to it. Sex work comes with many risks, so the concern is understandable. And if she has sex with other people, things can get very difficult (is she cheating on you or is she working?). Also, it will be difficult for your children to explain it if they find out. If you haven’t already, you need to tell her that you think this will ruin your life together. If she knows that you just cannot accept it and that you would like it to end all her career choices, she may be reluctant to do so. Maybe .
But I assume you’ve already tried this, LiSF, and it didn’t work (after all, it’s been two years). So you need a different approach to this. First, you need to stop treating this situation as the nuclear bomb of the relationship. Outside of this problem – no matter how awful it sounds to you – your life sounds great. You are in love, you have a decent marriage (with a woman who is a wonderful mother), you have sex regularly, you have no money problems and two children. I mean, if this pornography was such a big problem, you wouldn’t flop and whine “please don’t” for the two years this happens.
Second, you need to look at this situation from her point of view. Why do you think she does this at all? You say her narcissism led her to this, but that’s not entirely fair, mister: “I don’t want anyone to look at my wife, even if she wants to.” Perhaps she wants attention that you did not give her. Or perhaps it’s because she’s a little bored with your “ideal” life and wants something more. She’s a great mother, great, but maybe she wants to be something more. The learning disability kept her from doing well in the professional world, and now she has found something that (presumably) she can do well – something that makes her feel satisfied and satisfied with herself. Damn LiSF, she wants to be good at something other than just being your wife. And that’s okay!
So instead of asking her to change for you, see if there is a way to compromise with her . You may be able to overcome your prejudices against sex work and at least try to support you. In turn, perhaps she will allow you to lay down some ground rules that will make you feel more comfortable with all of this. For example, you might ask her not to be on camera, ask her to avoid contact with other artists, ask her not to show her face in videos, etc. She might just like being watched, so maybe there is a way decide who want a different route (like sex clubs or voyeur shows) so that she doesn’t feel the need to show herself online. Expand your boundaries here and find out what your real limits are, LiSF, and then talk to her about it. I doubt her intention is to make you unhappy. When all is said and done, if you honestly can’t find a way to provide any kind of support, you should at least try to help her find similar satisfaction elsewhere. She obviously wants something more. Help her find it or accept her as she is now and move on.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY TO OPEN . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.