How to Respond to a Racist Comment
People will say all sorts of insults if they think you share their views. Take this awesome essay by Catherine Fugate , for example, in which a locksmith suggests she needs strong locks to keep out all potential black intruders (although he uses a uglier word). Or Trump’s lighthearted assumption that everyone agrees that Haiti and various African countries are “shitty” countries.
Or take the image of a “racist uncle”: a relative bragging about these people at Thanksgiving dinner, assuming everyone agrees, or hoping to get into a fight with someone who doesn’t.
This is where you come in. What should a decent person do when in your presence someone says something racist or offensive in a different way (for example, against LGBT people)? You have several options.
Decide whether to speak at all
Circumstances and your role matter. If the comment comes at work, you will need to decide if you feel safe saying something at the moment or not. As Amy Gallo writes for the Harvard Business Review , only you can judge whether you expect retaliation for responding to someone’s racist comment.
However, if you are a manager, you have an obligation (and possibly a legal obligation) to turn off any derogatory comments made during your hours. Gallo interviews Joan Williams of the Center for Work Life Law at California College of Law in Hastings, who notes that people outside of the humiliated group generally have more opportunities to change attitudes – if someone says something about blacks, and you are white, you can have more stand in their eyes. Williams says: “For example, when it comes to sexism, men tend to be more convincing in confronting people. We give them more confidence because this is not their game. “
Ask questions and engage the person in the conversation
I’m a big chicken and I hate conflict, but I noticed that people who know how to conduct this kind of confrontation are not really opposing at all – they are continuing the conversation that the other person started. “What do you mean?” I heard a friend say that an acquaintance talked about not wanting her children to go to school with some people she considered undesirable. Maybe the person will clarify, or maybe not, but at least he will be more careful with who to spew his racist ideas. A cousin of mine, a civil rights attorney and exemplary diplomacy, says, “I look forward to talking more about this,” when she hears someone supporting conspiracy theories.
Do not hope to win
I spoke to a State Department official, a diplomat based in one of the countries that Trump would probably consider crap. He offers several suggestions: “What I have seen in the work is two things, and they must go hand in hand: self-denial of ego and anger and a willingness to explain without guarantee of success.” In other words, you must accept that you will not win the debate with your superior intelligence and clever debating strategies.
The diplomat continues: “Basically, the question is, do you want to make a statement or change the situation?” It sounds simple, but I found it to be surprisingly deep for me, as well as for my work and personal life. “
Tell stories
Several years ago, I interviewed a Jesuit priest who served as a missionary in Kenya during his training. He told me that minds rarely change with facts or “facts,” but they are changed by stories. Stories are inherently non-confrontational and allow people to communicate without aggression. If your family member continues to talk about the “ingratitude” of kneeling NFL players, it may be helpful to talk about exactly what the players are protesting against and share stories of police brutality.
They will likely not believe or accept what you say, or offer their own explanations for, say, why black people are more likely to be killed by police than whites . But if you keep the conversation polite and genuinely curious, you will keep the door open for further conversation and possible future conversions.
Share your experience
Gallo, in a Harvard Business Review story, describes a confrontation between two men in the workplace, one of whom called the other, Ben, a fagot. Ben later spoke to his colleague in private and let me know he was gay and found these comments offensive. The colleague was duly punished and, to the best of Ben’s knowledge, has refrained from these comments ever since.
Your race is not something that you can usually hide, but by informing someone that he personally insulted you can induce him to at least keep further comments in check and, ideally, open your mind to other people’s experiences. This has to do with “storytelling” – people are often so ingrained in their own storytelling that they need to hear other people’s experiences in order to change their minds.
It also helps to avoid shame. Not that racists don’t deserve shame, but as Annie Gabille writes in PopSugar , shame just makes people double up because shame threatens their sense of self. Qualified teachers and diplomats allow people to draw their own conclusions based on personal experience.
Obviously, confronting racism is a long journey, and it is also part of this challenge to counter our own prejudices and prejudices. We all said things we regret; we have all made guesses and judgments based on what we think we know about race. This is a slow process and is best approached with compassion and patience. As the Jesuit priest told me, “You are not going to change any mind today.”