Find Your Real Goals by Asking “Why?”
I am very good at buying things. For example, I want to buy a new audio system. That would mean ripping five speakers out of my walls, patching up the holes, and buying a $ 700 soundbar. My wife notes that the current system is working well and asked me why I want to replace it. And I had to admit why: I need to control the sound system with a second remote, which I hate. My wife pointed out that the solution to this problem is not worth $ 700 and is not worth spending on a weekend project. Instead, I buy a $ 20 universal remote . This is the best way to achieve my real goal – to feel in control of my gadgets.
In a recent speech at our first live event, Livehacker , divorce attorney James Sexton said his clients often come to him for unreasonable or unlikely purposes. They want strict custody agreements or very specific financial sections. Sexton goes through these goals and asks what each one needs. These are real goals. They are often emotional – they feel that they are involved in the lives of their children or that they are not being used. Sexton shows his clients other, more appropriate options to achieve these goals.
The basic technique is to simply ask, “Why?” This is a lot like asking why five times to get to the root of the problem . But for personal goals, you can often hit the bottom with one or two why. It’s not about settling for less, but about exploring the whole story you’ve told yourself (or advertising and cultural pressure) about what you “should” want. If I really bought this new audio system, I would hate it for some other reason.
You can apply this to negotiations, such as getting a promotion or a job offer, making decisions with a partner , or making decisions on your own, such as shortening a shopping list. Do you need a gym membership or do you need a horizontal bar? Need new shoes or an inexpensive night out with friends that will make you feel special? Do you need a new laptop or does your laptop need more RAM ?
If your business seems overwhelming, or your shopping list will bankrupt you, or you are afraid of the next negotiations, look at what you want and ask why you need it. Or marry whoever asks you to.