How to Raise an Ordinary Child If You Also Have a Disabled Person
In high school, I traveled a lot to various conferences – in New York, Kansas City, all of Ohio and Washington DC. I thought my parents would let me go because they saw how useful these trips were for me. But a few years ago I found out that this is not the case.
“I felt guilty,” my mother told me. “Because of Joey. We couldn’t do the usual family business. “
Joey is my little brother. This year he turns 30. He can eat a piece of gourmet cheese faster than a competitive eater, drink a two-liter one so quickly it looks like a magic trick, and sleep under enough blankets to smother a small rhino. He also has pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise defined, also known as PDD-NOS, or autism.
Raising a child with autism or almost any other disability can be a completely different level of parenting – an all-consuming, lifelong level, “that’s why I was put on this planet.” If this child has a brother or sister who does not have a disability (two or three), he can easily get lost. By necessity, parents often have to give priority to a child with a disability, which can put the “typical” child in a difficult position.
So how do you prevent the typical child from being fooled? Here are some ways to make life easier for them.
Support their interests
Katie Honeyman, a physician specializing in adults with autism spectrum disorder in Raleigh, North Carolina, has two adult children: Rebecca, 29, with active epileptic seizures and autism, and 27. -old Elliot, not having a disability.
“I think the biggest piece of advice I can give anyone is to pay attention to them and keep them informed of what’s going on,” says Honeyman. She told Elliot, “Just because [Rebecca] gets attention, it has to do with health problems, not because we love her more than we love you.” At the end, she says, “It’s just sitting with them and listening to what they have to say about it, listening to their concerns.”
As Elliot was growing up, Honeyman and her husband made the extra effort to attend his games and events over the years. Likewise, my parents knew that I would not have a traditional upbringing – no group vacations or family meals for us – so they made sure that I still traveled what I enjoyed and saw what I could not experience together. with them.
Maintain their relationships with others.
My mom recently shared with me how grateful she was to my best friend’s parents for allowing me to accompany them to dozens of dinners at O’Charley’s and long weekend trips. In high school, I spent a week in Florida with my family looking after the children – they needed to take another look at their four children. The last time I set foot on the beach with one of my parents, I was 6. But as a teenager, I had to bury one of those boys in the sand until he turned into just a head, hang out with a one-year-old child on a pool raft, and rattle pots and pans with children on the dock. I have many family memories, although not all of them include my own family.
No one ever, ever takes the place of Mom and Dad, but this is one of those “village needs” that is critical.
Find activities you can do
Because siblings can spend most of their time apart when their abilities are so different, parents can also find activities that children can do together. This not only gives the family an opportunity to spend time together, but also strengthens the relationship between siblings. Kelly Miltmore, who has an autistic son and a neurotypical daughter, told Metro Parent that she often takes her daughter to autism-focused programs such as equine treatment. You can watch a sensory- oriented movie or paint an abstract painting with the whole family.
Remember, your child with a disability is not a sibling’s “lesson”.
This may seem like an easy task, but it’s worth mentioning: don’t use a child with a disability to prove different points to your non-disabled child. Stephanie Lewanduski of Brunswick, Ohio has two children with osteogenesis imperfecta, better known as brittle bone disease, which is characterized by fragile bones that break easily. Her middle child, Caidense, does not share her siblings’ diagnosis.
Since Caidense is only 4 years old, Levanduski says the most important thing she does is treat her like any other 4-year-old. “If Caidense fell and scratched her knee, I’m not going to say, ‘You need to strain.’ Your brother breaks bones. “
Don’t push them too hard
Those of us with siblings with disabilities grow up a little faster than our peers. We have to. This is neither good nor bad; it’s just a routine. After Joey was 6 or 7 years old, I was the only person my parents trusted to look after him, with the exception of my grandparents and aunts.
At the same time, my mom used to tell me from my teenage years: “I never expect you to take care of Joey.” I understand that one day he will live in a group home and I will be his legal guardian. I’ve been planning this for decades. Knowing that my parents didn’t expect him to move in with me lifted a huge burden.
Growing up, I had nothing to share with Joey. In adulthood, there are even fewer of them. We can’t drink after work or gossip about how crazy our parents are. We can’t double date or rent a beach house, we can’t compare Game of Thrones theories or recommend another movie. So when I can paint Easter eggs or put a Christmas tree with him (Joey loves the holidays a lot ), this is my time to get closer to him.
It may sound atypical, but for me it is the most normal thing in the world.