What Is the Right Amount of Personal Space?
Former Vice President Joe Biden publicly apologized in a Twitter video this week following statements from several women accusing him of inappropriate physical contact.
“Social norms have started to change, and they have changed,” he said, probably referring to the #MeToo movement. “The boundaries of the protection of personal space have been dropped, and I understand that.”
And yes, that’s a shitty answer. Blaming the cultural environment is not so much an excuse as an excuse. But what then becomes the right amount of personal space between strangers, coworkers, or friends if you want to respect their physical boundaries?
Well, an American anthropologist who has studied social space for years, Edward Hall, suggested that our personal boundaries are of real, measurable size, through the New York Times.
According to Hall, our “intimate space” for close friends and family is about 18 inches, so it’s within reach. Our “personal space” for acquaintances and work colleagues starts at 18 inches and expands to about four feet. To complete strangers, our “social space” expands from four feet to twelve feet.
And that makes sense. You will not approach a stranger in any situation and will not float in his intimate space – this is awkward and wildly uncomfortable. “It is clear that the relationship of trust is changing the meaning of a grateful hug or pat on the shoulder in a more positive direction,” Laura Cray, a professor at the University of California Berkeley School of Business, told the New York Times. “A hug on the lower back or a kiss on the head is usually a violation of boundaries.”
But, of course, there are certain boundaries, with some involuntary exceptions. If you are using public transport, you may not always have the ability to stand a foot away from strangers, but participation does matter. Talking to a stranger (or whispering in his ear …) in his intimate space is different from silently turning away from him by typing on your phone, so respect his boundaries if you choose to participate.
If you ever doubt that you will enter someone’s personal space, just ask. Don’t feel comfortable just because they prefer to stay in that space. Consent is required.
What if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t respect personal boundaries? Redditor u / all_i_say_is_a_lie ( laughs ) provides one helpful tip when it comes to expressing your feelings:
“It’s pretty simple. But this is difficult to do. The next time they start, tell them that you are uncomfortable. Don’t make it a personal matter, just make a general statement … “Bill, I am a man of great personal space.” I found this to work and it minimizes confusion.
And if that still doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to be firm and repeat your feelings in even more direct language. (“I’m not comfortable with you in my space.”) Don’t feel guilty about it. You have the right to any personal space you need, and we all need to feel comfortable when it comes to our interactions with other people.