How to Raise an Optimistic Child
Our children are growing up in a completely insane time from a political point of view. And we manage to cultivate one crisis after another that they will have to fight – the opioid epidemic, the rising suicide rate, the massacres, the destruction of our planet; I could go on. It doesn’t always seem like there is cause for optimism. But if there ever was a time when we could all be a little optimistic, it is now.
A person may be naturally pessimistic or optimistic , but there are things parents can do to encourage and strengthen the muscles of optimism in their children (and themselves).
Stop complaining
This is a really good place to start, but if you are not naturally optimistic yourself, this will be a problem. Your stupid computer is constantly freezing, you are tired of all this rain, and the traffic on this road is terribly messy again . Life is annoying. However, if you do need to be given a way out, try to save it for your partner or friend later, when the children go to bed. We are the biggest role models for our children, and telling them how to look on the bright side is not as effective as practicing it ourselves.
Try to give fewer complaints and more compliments. Instead of calling the manager and complaining about the room temperature of the fries you just served, call him and praise how friendly and attentive your waiter is. Your kids will notice – and you will feel good too.
The “right size” of bad news
Personally, I find this news overwhelming. And I’m a grown man. Who works in the media. So how much more confusing and unsettling it must be for our kids, who don’t have the same context and sense of scale that we do to determine how bad something really is. Caroline Knorr, parenting editor for Common Sense Media, writes for the Washington Post that we need to “balance” the news for them:
When tragedy strikes somewhere in the world, we experience it every time we turn on the TV, open social media, check phone notifications, or walk past a supermarket newsstand with a sensational headline. Parents understand that the media amplifies things for the eyes and mouse clicks. But children don’t necessarily establish a relationship between sources, sponsors, and audience. How you react to news influences how children perceive it. Help the children put things in perspective by explaining that the loudest voices grab most of the listeners.
Tell Them About Brain Circuits
Children can quickly get on with themselves if they naturally do not know how to do something right away. We used to say, “Practice leads to perfection!” but no, a lot of practice will not necessarily lead to perfection. Practice, however, make progress. So the next time you hear them grumble about how bad they are at math, or their drawing of a cat doesn’t look like a cat at all, tell them that they are still building this brain chain .
Every time we practice something, we build a new chain in our brain that gets thicker over time, until it becomes so strong that what was previously difficult for us now becomes more automatic. You can give them all kinds of examples; how much have they improved in sports, how much faster they read now than when they started learning, or even how difficult it was for them to dress before, and now they don’t think twice about it. These are all the chains that they have built over time.
Remember that optimism is not false hope.
It may sound counterintuitive, but we don’t need to build up our children’s self-esteem for them to think optimistically. Tamar Chansky, child psychologist and author of Free Your Child From Negative Thinking, tells Parents.com : “Optimism actually requires thinking more realistic than positive. This way, your child will be prepared for whatever he or she faces. “
That’s why admitting their problems – as Tracy Reinert’s mother did when her family moved and her son struggled to find new friends – is better than automatically rushing to the question, “Everything will be fine!”
“It’s hard to move to a new place and start over,” she explained. “It takes time to make friends.” After that, Matt stopped complaining and took active steps to solve the problem. He asked his mom to take him to the nearest playground after school and let him cycle around the neighborhood to meet the kids who lived nearby. After a few weeks, new buds appeared. “He suddenly realized that everything had to work out,” says Reinert, “and in the end he taught me a thing or two about optimism.”
Encourage their independence
One of the hardest things about parenting is constantly letting go. They begin to need you in absolutely everything and gradually turn into completely independent adults who function in the world without your help. Of course, we know this is the ultimate goal, but encouraging their independence – and even encouraging some risk along the way – is really good for their optimism.
The more a child can try and win on their own, the more self-confidence they will have and the more they will be able to accept opportunities.