How to Deal With the “Wish Mismatch” With Your Partner
Sounds familiar: Have you spent months craving sex more than your partner, only for him to want more sex while you were content with a nice cuddle? If so, then you’ve definitely experienced a “desire discrepancy,” which, while frustrating, is also very common among couples.
Dr. Emily May , a psychotherapist, describes desire discrepancy as “the difference in sexual desire between partners.” This is actually a very common phenomenon and can be experienced by couples of all ages. It can also happen in stages, no matter what your previous sex life was like or how long you were together. “Research shows that up to 80% of couples will experience sexual incongruity at some point in their lives,” she says. “This can lead to one person feeling unfulfilled, as well as feelings of rejection, disappointment and inadequacy, and can also affect the couple’s physical and emotional connection.”
For those who experience varying libidos, it is important not to blame yourself or your partner.
“Understanding that this is a common occurrence and can affect couples of all ages is key to finding a solution, and can also help reduce any negative feelings,” says May. “Instead of looking for something or someone to blame, focus on honest and open communication about your needs, wants and concerns. The key is to take an empathetic approach and be open to mutually agreeable solutions. A professional therapist can also help by providing support and advice to help you discuss the situation and navigate it effectively. Together, these can create a healthier, more fulfilling connection with your partner.”
What causes divergence of desires
According to May, there are various factors that contribute to desire discrepancy. “Some of the most common ones include hormonal changes such as menopause, stress, lifestyle changes and relationship dynamics,” she says. “It could also be a simple case of some people having a higher libido compared to others. While sex may be important to one person, another may prefer an emotional connection. One partner may believe that sex and intimacy are the key to expressing feelings.” love, but others may see it as a physical need.”
How to talk to your partner about your sexual needs
If you’re experiencing a desire discrepancy with your partner, discussing your sexual needs and desires can be difficult—you don’t want to make your partner feel guilty, and you don’t want to hold back from being faithful to what you want. Sex therapist Melissa Cook advises that when communicating with a partner in a sexual situation, the key is to have a safe and supportive environment “where there is room for open and honest communication without judgment.”
“This will help both you and your partner feel more comfortable expressing your needs, desires, concerns, and boundaries,” she says. “It’s also the key to a stronger, more fulfilling connection.”
Cook also recommends approaching any conversations about your non-consensual sexual urges with empathy and understanding, being open to suggestions and avoiding blame and criticism. “Remember that differences in sex drive do not indicate any personal or relationship failures and are completely normal,” says Cook. “Instead, view it as an opportunity to grow and improve your physical and emotional connection.”
And one more thing: don’t blame yourself if you’re not in the mood.
“The first thing you do is remind yourself that you’re only human,” says sex educator Javey Fry-Nekrasova of Lovehoney. “Our sexual desire fluctuates, like everything else in life. So, acknowledge it and be gentle with yourself and your partner. Start with a conversation to make sure you’re both on the same page and see if it’s an outside influence like life. or internal influences leading to inconsistency of desires.”
Frei-Nekrasova also recommends working together as a team. “Be open and share with each other how you feel sexually and how active your sex drive is. If you know what affects your libido, please share it. By being open and communicating with each other, you and your partner may be able to come up with some ideas about what you can do to mitigate some of the external factors affecting your sex drive.”
What to do as a couple if you experience a discrepancy between desires
Because relationships are personal, Cook says, a one-size-fits-all approach usually doesn’t work. Instead, she suggests regularly communicating how you’re feeling, asking questions about your partner’s needs and preferences, and not being afraid to try new things and experiment with activities that will help spark intimacy, including planning dates, cozying up on the couch, lighting . a few candles, enjoy a massage and spend time together without focusing on the end goal of sex,” she says.
Fry-Nekrasova says it’s important to prioritize relaxation. “When we are relaxed, we can more easily penetrate intimate and aroused places and experience more desire for ourselves and our partner(s). To get closer to your partner, you can start with a sensual massage, planning and going on a date. or dance in the living room to your favorite music.”
When to see a therapist
If you’re concerned about a libido discrepancy, Fry-Nekrasova says it’s okay to seek professional help at any point in the process, including when you first notice a desire discrepancy. “Professional help can be most effective at the beginning of a problem, especially if you and your partner don’t feel like you have the tools or capacity to try to solve the problem on your own,” she says. “There is no right answer because every relationship is different.”
For people who are concerned about whether their sex drives will ever even out again, the results may be mixed, Fry-Nekrasova says. “The goal may be to get things back to the way they were before the discrepancy began, but that may not look exactly like that. Almost every aspect of our sexuality fluctuates and changes over time, including our sex drives. So, if your sex drive looks a little different, or you notice it changing, that’s normal. Be sure to talk to your partner to figure out what works for both of you, and remember to remain patient and flexible as you get back into harmony.”