How to Stay Sane at Culty Tech
Two years ago, I was laid off from my writing job at a software company. A couple of weeks later, I fired my therapist.
It turns out that most of my mental health problems are related to my work. Therapy sessions where I used to talk endlessly about how conflicted I felt, how insecure and unloved I felt—those sessions suddenly became awkward because I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Life suddenly became just… good. It’s been that way ever since.
But here’s the thing: I was agonizing over leaving that job. I spent the weekend trying to figure out how to stay home (my sincerest apologies for the specific group text). I was convinced that I could not leave a job that made me unhappy and that did not align with my values, at a company where I had no long-term career goals. Alan Henry, who used to edit this very site, wrote an article that I think about every week: The company you work for is not your friend . An iconic tech company can make you forget about it. You shouldn’t do this.
It’s funny because it’s true
It was quite common among employees to joke that the company I was talking about was a cult company. Many jokes are funny because they are not true; this was not one of them. I don’t mean to say that the company’s leaders literally positioned themselves as messianic figures – they didn’t (certainly). But this company spent a lot of time talking about how unique their “values” were, how those values set them apart from other companies, and how important their mission was to society as a whole. The company has also spent a lot of time and money blurring the line between co-workers and friendships.
In any company, this combination makes it difficult to leave your job, even if you are truly unhappy. And here’s the thing: I knew it. I would be the first to tell you that the company’s values are propaganda that management uses to shame the employees, and I knew that the company wasn’t really that important. While still working at this job, I literally wrote articles about the importance of separating work from the rest of life. And yet, despite all this, I still felt that this job was important and that my life would be worse if I left it, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I let my Slack instance and my paycheck become my world.
Here’s what an iconic tech company can do. Perhaps you work in such a company. You may also, unlike me, not be able to leave. With that in mind, I decided to put together a list of survival tips for anyone trying to maintain their humanity in a similar workplace.
Remember you are not alone
Iconic tech companies thrive on the metaphorical Kool-Aid. They depend on members buying the hype, or at least pretending to be there. This is why public communications—say, on Slack or town halls—are always positive. Everyone is SO EXCITED about how well things are going; everyone reacts with too many happy emojis. It’s enough to make anyone who is unhappy or even just questioning the status quo feel absolutely crazy. After all, everyone else is happy, why aren’t you?
You’re not crazy though. If the vibrations are unpleasant, you can be sure that you are not the only one who feels this way. If you’re going to continue to feel like a person, it’s important to find people who feel the same way you do so that cognitive dissonance doesn’t completely destroy your sense of self.
This can be difficult to do. I’ve found the easiest way to do this is during one-on-one conversations, such as in meetings or private messages on Slack. Start slowly, making occasional jokes about how absurd the company is. You’ll be surprised how often people will laugh and how relieved they will be to know that someone else sees what they see. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a work friend you can talk to about stuff, or even a group of friends. (Your Slack DM messages, in case you didn’t know, are not private—your company can read them at any time. Be careful here.)
Be sure to find places to connect with them that aren’t part of your job. If you work in a real office, this place could be a bar or cafe. If you work remotely, I recommend using the encrypted messaging app Signal. Install Signal on your personal phone and you’ll have a completely untraceable way to talk trash while everyone else pretends everything is fine. This is especially useful during general meetings, when company management tends to say the most ridiculous things.
If you’re going to remain a person, you need to be able to laugh at the absurdity of things—and do it with others. Find these others.
Remember you are good at things
I’ve been writing full-time since 2008, most of that time as a freelance journalist. It’s not an easy way to make a living, but I’ve always managed to do it. Of course, part of this is due to my connections, but I also think I’m pretty good at it.
However, I forgot about this while working for an iconic software company. I was convinced that my job was not going well and that it would be difficult for me to find a job if I left. To be clear, this is not true: strangers still reach out to me to tell me how much they appreciate my writing from that time on, and I haven’t had any trouble finding work since I left.
I still don’t understand what it was about this environment that made me question my self-worth. There’s something about the atmosphere of an iconic tech company that can make you feel worthless. Part of the reason is that these companies tend to attract extremely qualified people—you may be outnumbered by comparison. For me, a lot of it has to do with the company’s constant prompts for self-improvement: performance reviews, yes, but also how the company promotes things like coaching. There was a constant desire to improve, which made me feel like I wasn’t doing very well at all.
So I would advise you to remember that you are good at everything. You got the job you have because you have the qualifications, and other employers would be happy to have access to the same skills. Find ways to remind yourself of this. Maybe ask your like-minded colleagues to tell you how you’re doing. Perhaps contact colleagues from previous jobs. Just find a way to reinforce what you know about your skills, not how the company sees you. You’re good at things.
Remember it’s not your problem
If you’re a well-intentioned person, you might think that any bad company policies or situations are your job to fix. And if your job title includes the words “chief,” “president,” or “director,” that’s absolutely true. But if you’re a low-level employee, you need to know that fixing the company is absolutely not your responsibility and that trying to do so will only break you.
It doesn’t matter how often management talks about how they are different: the company is not a democracy, and internal blog posts are not a free press. Criticize management enough and eventually you will be asked – or told – to shut up (trust me). But more importantly, it’s not your job to make the company better, and without real power, trying to do so will only burn you out.
Improving and maintaining company culture is not your job. Instead, focus on finding ways to improve your own situation and the situation of those you are close to. Be honest about your salary – it can really empower you and the people you work with to demand what you all deserve. And if you really want to improve the situation of your colleagues, learn how a union works .
Remember that there is life outside of work.
An iconic tech company could easily fill your entire brain. Sure, there’s work, but there’s also drama that seems to be happening all the time. I can’t overstate how much none of this shit matters.
There is a whole world outside of work. If you want to stay sane, you need to be connected to it. Go for a walk every day. Join a softball league, church, or volunteer at a shelter. Go to cafes, bars and concerts. Read fiction. Try learning to play a musical instrument. Host monthly parties, inviting people from different parts of your life to meet each other.
The specifics don’t matter: just find something in your life that has absolutely nothing to do with work. If you don’t do this, it will be difficult for you to feel human. And that’s who you are: a human being. Not an employee or part of the company. You are on this planet for a limited amount of time. By some miracle or coincidence, you are able not only to think, but also to feel. Don’t waste it all on a company that will never reciprocate your feelings.